for Megaman Zero: Mythos1/14/2018 c2 
4CrystalRei
I'm not sure how the Classic-series history lessons are tying in yet, but hopefully that'll become clear soon enough. I'm sort of interested in how you'll choose to write the end, if these intros get that far.
Aside from that, I feel like there's not much to comment on in this chapter. This could have easily been part of the last one and then it could have had some real plot progression here. Right now, to be honest, the cliffhanger ending is just annoying because of that lack; not a reason to look forward to the next entry.
The last chapter was pretty good about SPaG, but I think this one could've used another read-over for typos: "[nine] o'clock" (don't capitalize), "going about [their] business]," "Reploids [were] also," "[their] large hearing range," "Dad[']s calling," "extra [shifts]," "[piqued] his interest"... there are more but that's a start. All readable and things the average spellchecker wouldn't catch since the mistakes are also legitimate words, but the frequency makes it easy to get knocked out of the story.
Overall, I feel like this is a step down, sadly. Which is a shame because what little plot is actually hinted at (even if it's mostly theory on my end) could be really interesting. I do hope you come back to this, and just keep writing in general. Despite this chapter, I do think this story and you as a writer have potential.
Good luck in your future work, whether on this story or elsewhere. :)
4CrystalReiI'm not sure how the Classic-series history lessons are tying in yet, but hopefully that'll become clear soon enough. I'm sort of interested in how you'll choose to write the end, if these intros get that far.
Aside from that, I feel like there's not much to comment on in this chapter. This could have easily been part of the last one and then it could have had some real plot progression here. Right now, to be honest, the cliffhanger ending is just annoying because of that lack; not a reason to look forward to the next entry.
The last chapter was pretty good about SPaG, but I think this one could've used another read-over for typos: "[nine] o'clock" (don't capitalize), "going about [their] business]," "Reploids [were] also," "[their] large hearing range," "Dad[']s calling," "extra [shifts]," "[piqued] his interest"... there are more but that's a start. All readable and things the average spellchecker wouldn't catch since the mistakes are also legitimate words, but the frequency makes it easy to get knocked out of the story.
Overall, I feel like this is a step down, sadly. Which is a shame because what little plot is actually hinted at (even if it's mostly theory on my end) could be really interesting. I do hope you come back to this, and just keep writing in general. Despite this chapter, I do think this story and you as a writer have potential.
Good luck in your future work, whether on this story or elsewhere. :)
1/14/2018 c1 CrystalRei
/But when a ancient virus attempts an escape to freedom a new hero must rise to the challenge. One with some...familiar traits/ - *speculation speculation*
Well Zero's on the cover and the only character listed, but he's not exactly new to the whole hero business or what I assume is the maverick virus. Given the initial history lesson... Rock? No, for the same reasons. Ooh! A biometal Z user? I dunno if I'd count biometal armor as a "trait," but meh.
/the original Megaman/ - HAH! I didn't find this by world filter, but in light of the ZX theory this is a great line.
Commenting as I go, so... I don't feel like the character description infodump was really necessary. In fact, it was almost kind of a letdown after what was otherwise a decent start. I think there's a better way to work the necessary details in, whatever those might be. Likewise with the comment on white hair being normal - unless you're trying to break the fourth wall, there's no real reason for her to comment on something she perceives as normal.
I do like the line about not being worried about Fyrus going maverick though. It's a good use of character thoughts in narration (I believe the term is 'indirect thought') that gives me a better sense of Rose's personality, which is the important part. That paragraph and the line after also do a much better job of showing her spacing-out tendencies than her simply telling the readers, and is much more effective. The bit of 'telling' about loving digging tours works however, though I wouldn't necessarily separate it from the relevant dialogue - those work together to the point where the thought almost functions as a tag.
One last piece of advice regarding your author's note: Don't worry about your updates being "timely." I think the extra 1000 words would have worked to your advantage here. Yes updates on a regular schedule are nice, but ultimately the quality of the story is the important part.
Still, this is an interesting start all around. I confess I'm most interested in Zero's (or Model Z's, depending on how you choose to write it) involvement, but the interaction with Rose (presumably) and how Rose develops as a character are also things to look forward to.
/But when a ancient virus attempts an escape to freedom a new hero must rise to the challenge. One with some...familiar traits/ - *speculation speculation*
Well Zero's on the cover and the only character listed, but he's not exactly new to the whole hero business or what I assume is the maverick virus. Given the initial history lesson... Rock? No, for the same reasons. Ooh! A biometal Z user? I dunno if I'd count biometal armor as a "trait," but meh.
/the original Megaman/ - HAH! I didn't find this by world filter, but in light of the ZX theory this is a great line.
Commenting as I go, so... I don't feel like the character description infodump was really necessary. In fact, it was almost kind of a letdown after what was otherwise a decent start. I think there's a better way to work the necessary details in, whatever those might be. Likewise with the comment on white hair being normal - unless you're trying to break the fourth wall, there's no real reason for her to comment on something she perceives as normal.
I do like the line about not being worried about Fyrus going maverick though. It's a good use of character thoughts in narration (I believe the term is 'indirect thought') that gives me a better sense of Rose's personality, which is the important part. That paragraph and the line after also do a much better job of showing her spacing-out tendencies than her simply telling the readers, and is much more effective. The bit of 'telling' about loving digging tours works however, though I wouldn't necessarily separate it from the relevant dialogue - those work together to the point where the thought almost functions as a tag.
One last piece of advice regarding your author's note: Don't worry about your updates being "timely." I think the extra 1000 words would have worked to your advantage here. Yes updates on a regular schedule are nice, but ultimately the quality of the story is the important part.
Still, this is an interesting start all around. I confess I'm most interested in Zero's (or Model Z's, depending on how you choose to write it) involvement, but the interaction with Rose (presumably) and how Rose develops as a character are also things to look forward to.
7/12/2017 c1 Spider Archer
I like it. I wonder how zero's role will be if in the story. Will Ciel be there also. It is a nice start. Can not wait for the next chapter.
I like it. I wonder how zero's role will be if in the story. Will Ciel be there also. It is a nice start. Can not wait for the next chapter.