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for I'll Wear It Proudly

6/4/2020 c1 11Seeking7
Guess who’s back (back again) and pumped to review this fic? If you guessed me, you’d be right.

The first two sentences get everything off to a very interesting start. The idea of a game to act as robotic as possible is such an interesting one, and it sets up an intriguing premise for the rest of the story.

Paragraphs four and five go together very well and make a lot of sense: Roll is given a believable reason for competing against her brother, and the description of her endeavor to become as robotic as she can is very interesting. My only comment here would be to perhaps add a little more details regarding Roll’s “transformation,” it plays a big part in the rest of the story, and if you can help the reader sympathize with the effort she put into her training, it’ll make her ultimate failure a little more heart-wrenching. But this is a very nit-picky detail; I know that you’re just trying to ease the reader into the meat of the story, so details in the preamble isn’t exactly necessary here.

The interactions between Rock, Roll, Dr. Light, and Ms. Sasaki are quite organic: Rock and Roll are pretending to be total robots, Ms. Sasaki isn’t quite sure what to do, and Dr. Light is enjoying the scene in his own, self-confident way. I especially love Roll’s fascination with Ms. Sasaki and the combination of her nailpolish and lipstick, so adorable!

Just a comment on some of the Emotional Analysis descriptions. The majority of them make a lot of sense, but there is one that sticks out a little bit. While this might be an irrelevant or unuseful comment, considering that I don’t know that much about Mega Man, there is a part where Roll says/mentally narrates “E.A. would have detected Evasion in Dr. Light’s answers, and Persistent Prodding in the questions from Ms. Sasaki which followed…” Might I suggest “persistent prodding” be changed to something a little more vague, such as “curiosity?” This is the definition of nit-picky, but it feels a little bit like you’re holding the reader’s hand, if only slightly. It might be better to give the reader a little bit more room to play around and toss them a more general emotion to mull over. Just a thought!

I love the bit of snark Roll delivers in this line “...Then again, what were you thinking about when you were five months old? How best to maneuver your big toe into your mouth, for example?” Perfect. Just, that came totally out of left field and made me actually laugh out loud.

“Winning, being the best...what good was any of it if it meant Rock had to suffer a defeat like this...Hadn’t he held my hand as I took my first barefooted steps across the concrete floor? Hadn’t his excitement been contagious as he guided me through the house…” this moment of reflection does so much in explaining why Roll is willing to give up her chance at winning so quickly. It’s such a beautiful description. So heartfelt. I want to hug both of them, now!

The part where Roll speaks directly to the reader is certainly an interesting stylistic choice. It threw me off for just a moment, but I eventually grew to find it a unique way to provoke a little bit of thoughtfulness on the reader’s part.

“...I got scared you were gonna lose, and I didn’t want you to lose alone.” What a wonderful way to bring everything full circle. This sentence made me smile like a total idiot...fantastic work!
5/30/2020 c1 3George Di
Here is a short summary of my critique: First and foremost, there are too many run-on sentences. And even the correct sentences are unnecessarily long. They need to be shortened. I think that you're assuming that the reader doesn't understand things, so to compensate, you are putting too much into each sentence.

Second, there is some strange use of colons. I would take those out, except that one time that it was actually followed by a list.

Third, the interview starts to drag a little, right before the brother starts messing up. I would skim a few lines at that point, and get to the part of the brothers mistakes.

Here are some specifics, but most of it is what I said above. I hope this is helpful. I don't claim to be a professional, and some of my suggestions could be wrong. However, I did my best, and gave my honest thoughts. Good luck in your writing.

Paragraph 2, I think there should be quotes? Not sure.

Paragraph 3. This is a long sentence. I would put a period somewhere, make it into two or three sentences.

Paragraph 4, the colon seems odd. Maybe just a period.

So far the writing is very good, only the grammar needs to be tightened up a bit.

Paragraph 5, first sentences is too long. Maybe "So each day I practiced for hours, with single-minded determination. Long after..."
Paragraph 5, the second sentence is the same. These are hard to read. I think you are trying to cram all of your thoughts into one sentence.
Some of those commas should be periods. Instead of two sentences, this paragraph could be five or six shorter sentences.

The dialogue was good.

There are more run-on sentences. For example, the sentence that starts with "Dr. Light...". You could write it like this.
"Dr. light had a smell of his own. It was utterly different from hers, pleasant only because it was familiar." Or something like that. Either way, it should be at least 2, if not 3 sentences.
Also, I think that this and the next line could be combineed into one paragraph. There are a lot of short, one line paragraphs. I think that's appropriate for the dialogue, but not for the rest of the story.

The story is good, and much of it is well written. Some of these long sentences maybe be grammatically correct, but they are still exhausting for the reader.

Not to be picky, but isn't all generalization "from the particular". Could this be cut short to "... a naive bit of generalization."
Also, you seem to use a lot of colons. I don't think the colon is proper here (I could be wrong).

Next line, I would delete "... , for example" from the end. It sounds strange and unnecessary.

I keep forgetting what E.A. is as I'm reading it.

At this point the story is a bit slow. Perhaps get to the brother messing up a bit sooner.

Last comment. At the end, the brother doesn't really explain why he was trying to lose. Perhaps that could be explained a bit.
2/18/2018 c1 61TyrantChimera
Miso soup, man.
12/9/2017 c1 17User7389
Fantastic! I like this a lot!
7/27/2017 c1 85Bryon Nightshade
This story is a delight. I'm especially fond of how Rock and Roll treat each other and how Roll thinks of Light. It does more to communicate the idea of family, so important to the Lights, than any simple explicit repetition of the words could do.t. The use of first person makes for a very intimate read, a confiding of sorts by Roll to the reader, and allows for her to launch her defense of Dr. Light in a very natural way. The "Gift of the Magi"-esque ending works wonderfully, too.
7/24/2017 c1 AshTheSaviour
I liked this story very much I liked how you wrote Rock and Roll and Light but I would have liked to have seen more Rock but only because he's my favourite character in all of fiction anyways the dialogue was very crisp and made me want to read more and I liked the way everything was a game for Rock and Roll. You know how to write these characters in a good way and I want to read your other works to see if they're the same. I started Utopia but it wasn't for me but if you have any other ones like this then I will be reading them thank you for sharing and sorry I talked so much but I like good Megaman fanfiction about as much as I like oxygen please keep up the good work x)

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