for Cause Why Not?7/31/2017 c3 Lloyd RPGFan
There are some very nice ideas in this story.
As a suggestion, you should find an excuse for Jaune and Ren to become friends with Yatsuhashi and Fox (and later with Sun and Neptune as well). Just imagine the shenanigans. XD
There are some very nice ideas in this story.
As a suggestion, you should find an excuse for Jaune and Ren to become friends with Yatsuhashi and Fox (and later with Sun and Neptune as well). Just imagine the shenanigans. XD
7/30/2017 c3 killerdio123
What happened to the brass Jaune was supposed to have? No guy in their right mind would feel bad about completely shitting on Weiss after the stuff she said, and those outrageous "ground rules" you wrote up sound pretty unfair. I wouldn't just sit there and take that.
What happened to the brass Jaune was supposed to have? No guy in their right mind would feel bad about completely shitting on Weiss after the stuff she said, and those outrageous "ground rules" you wrote up sound pretty unfair. I wouldn't just sit there and take that.
7/28/2017 c2 Howler66
Good story. Quick question: what are the pronunciations for the team names? Can't wait to read more.
Good story. Quick question: what are the pronunciations for the team names? Can't wait to read more.
7/28/2017 c2 Guest
love this. cant wait for more XD
love this. cant wait for more XD
7/27/2017 c1 Skyrrow
Ok buddy, gonna give you a little advice. I like what you're doing here, I really do, I like the concept, the style, even the dialouge so far. It's like an OC without the general degradation of the story in every way. Which leads into my point. This is the character style you've fallen into. Now, in fairness, this IS my opinion, but what I think you're doing wrong is you're making Jaune edgy, i.e., Bang and Buck, a revolver is good, it makes sense and fits with Jaune's style as a ranged weapon, but a dagger is nearly useless in almost every situation besides 'disarmed,' and saying that it's for CQC doesn't hold up, since Crocea Mors both checks that box and does it BETTER. If the point of it is to give him a more versatile weapon, you could say using the sword part of Crocea Mors by itself works that way, but it also doesn't suit his fighting style. He has a large aura, armor, a SHIELD, and doesn't move exceptionally fast (cough cough Ruby/Blake/Ren). All of those facts point to him being a TANK, which does not need to move quickly, since they can afford to take a few hits. However, it is YOUR story and you decided on that, so all I ask is that he does not use it regularly/isn't extremely proficient with it. My main issue is the trench coat. Like, seriously? A TRENCH COAT? Over a HOODIE! NO! That is impractical, likely uncomfortable, AND trying too hard! That is enough unnecessary edge to cut myself on! You're trying to make Jaune less socially inept, cooler, a better character, NOT change him altogether. I'd like to remind you that he needs to be human and have character flaws to make him a good character. With all that said and done, though, I really like your story. Little to no grammatical OR spelling errors, believable, not changing the plot line (much, you have to change it SOME or there wouldn't be any point to writing it otherwise.) I hope you'll take my advice and try to tone down the edge, because I really like what you've done so far! I hope to see more soon!
Ok buddy, gonna give you a little advice. I like what you're doing here, I really do, I like the concept, the style, even the dialouge so far. It's like an OC without the general degradation of the story in every way. Which leads into my point. This is the character style you've fallen into. Now, in fairness, this IS my opinion, but what I think you're doing wrong is you're making Jaune edgy, i.e., Bang and Buck, a revolver is good, it makes sense and fits with Jaune's style as a ranged weapon, but a dagger is nearly useless in almost every situation besides 'disarmed,' and saying that it's for CQC doesn't hold up, since Crocea Mors both checks that box and does it BETTER. If the point of it is to give him a more versatile weapon, you could say using the sword part of Crocea Mors by itself works that way, but it also doesn't suit his fighting style. He has a large aura, armor, a SHIELD, and doesn't move exceptionally fast (cough cough Ruby/Blake/Ren). All of those facts point to him being a TANK, which does not need to move quickly, since they can afford to take a few hits. However, it is YOUR story and you decided on that, so all I ask is that he does not use it regularly/isn't extremely proficient with it. My main issue is the trench coat. Like, seriously? A TRENCH COAT? Over a HOODIE! NO! That is impractical, likely uncomfortable, AND trying too hard! That is enough unnecessary edge to cut myself on! You're trying to make Jaune less socially inept, cooler, a better character, NOT change him altogether. I'd like to remind you that he needs to be human and have character flaws to make him a good character. With all that said and done, though, I really like your story. Little to no grammatical OR spelling errors, believable, not changing the plot line (much, you have to change it SOME or there wouldn't be any point to writing it otherwise.) I hope you'll take my advice and try to tone down the edge, because I really like what you've done so far! I hope to see more soon!
7/27/2017 c1 Guest
more please
more please