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2/23 c4 ocomhdhain1
"No spoilers but Mangekyou and Sage mode are definitely out of the picture."
Darn, and here I had this whole idea that Jiraiya (possibly a toad Faunus) had taught naruto sage mode, but since there is no nature chakra in the air it'd instead be the magic/mana/prana. Oh well.
2/22 c2 ocomhdhain1
that was an epic battle! i couldn't even tell that it was inspired by the inspirations.
2/22 c1 ocomhdhain1
i find it interesting that sasuke was able to get some semblance of combat potential from yang and ruby...but not naruto.
8/13/2019 c4 lightningninja97
This story seems interesting so far. The only thing that bothers me is that you use descriptions too much like how you refer to characters using descriptions. I'm sure it would be fine to just use their names from time to time.
6/12/2019 c1 Mr.Heller
Why everyone makes him a dumb animal?
6/8/2019 c3 25The Jingo
Bro can you stop "updating" with just edited chapters?
5/19/2019 c4 The Big Bad Wolf-9
Love the story. The point about your OP protagonist is one that I feel not many writers acknowledge. My biggest point is this:

A hero is only as strong as his villain. There's the trope of overcoming challenges...how can anything be overcome with an earned victory if everyone is oneshot? Even Goku, one of the most over powered anime protagonists in existence, always loses the fight in the beginning. It's usually someone from his team (Krillin, Piccolo, Vegeta, etc) that gives him the edge over the fight.

Well that or some new transformation because of the threat of pain or loss (i.e, plot armor). Making Naruto's, and by proxy, his team's enemies strong will show the readers how high the stakes are, which will make the fight scenes more weighted. The higher the stakes, the more amazing the conclusion.

Just like Naruto's fight with Otto. Not only do we have Sasuke betting /against/ him, but we also have his first individual triumph. If he loses, it's a double loss: Sasuke becomes a winner to lord it over him, and we write off Naruto as the reader's champion (people will start bashing that he's too weak even though his power in this universe is overpowered already, nobody will take him seriously, etc.) The stakes are high.

That being said, trust your fans and readers. Even if the situation next chapter isn't what people are expecting, know that sometimes we gotta see our protagonist defeated to know where he ends up in the end. Also why Naruto is a good anime; he starts off as a cheese ass with absolutely no qualities aside from being able to cry to his demon for a power up anytime he's in trouble and being hard to kill. In the end of Shippudden, he's slinging planet destroying techniques like candy.
5/19/2019 c4 10abc27
This chapter, mainly Naruto and Sasuke's conversations were refreshing and well written. I like how we are subtly diving into the history of this AU of Rwby world and highly excited for the first battle. The chararcetors are consistent so far, and I like how each of them have their own short comings when it comes to the way they battle, which is understandable since they are green first year students. The invincible girl is an exception of course. I am guessing Neji is Eight bridges of death and Gaara probably is ...murder in style? And it was nice seeing Shino as their leader. He is often under-appreciated so its nice to see he has bigger role in here. A good chapter and hope to see more!
5/19/2019 c4 XenoLucifer
So this is just gonna end up being one of those nerfed Naruto stories huh?
5/19/2019 c3 The Big Bad Wolf-9
That ending is so powerful and badass. I love Naruto and Sasuke's banter, but you can already see the deep bond they'll form; even the gesture as small as knowing Naruto's unwillingness to stop from helping a friend by holding him back shows an understanding that goes beyond a simple introduction. Very well done.

I was hoping Shikamaru would have made it around, he's one of my favorite support characters after all, but I think the Kiba/Shino arrival is one that's often overlooked. Lots of potential!
5/19/2019 c1 The Big Bad Wolf-9
It seems their rivalry encapsulates universes, hahah.
3/31/2019 c4 25The Jingo
I am definitely putting this on my list and hoping for more.

You have a pretty strong start here. It's clear right out of the gate that you know what you want out of the story and you're setting things up for it. A lot of people criticize the idea of deciding on pairings before things start rather than 'letting it happen', but I'd argue that nothing will happen unless you plan for it and properly get things in order.

Anyway, I'm reminded of Hunting or Bust. You're integrating their Naruto verse backstories into the RWBY lore in a similar way. Naruto as a fox faunus, the Uchiha as a family of assassins, ect. I'm interested to see how things go down the line.

Also moar romance, heh. I hunger for the Sasuke/Yang pairing.

As for criticism, I suppose I can offer a few suggestions. Some would just be personal preference though.

- Don't use "THELASTKINGDOMTHELASTKINGDOMTHELASTKINGDOMTHELASTKINGDOMT" as a scene break. FFnet and Ao3 both provide proper lines for scene breaks that do the job better. They stretch across the whole page and don't need to be centered, they don't turn into a paragraph block on mobile browser, and just look cleaner.

- Don't let anyone bully you into power creep. You're absolutely right that enough can be done with base Sharingan, semblence, aura, ect. We don't need Naruto or Sasuke running around with super hax abilities compared to everyone else.

- Show, don't tell. I noticed you have a particular tendency to say a character is attractive. "the attractive figure of a tall navy-haired teen " as an example. Don't do that. If a character is attractive then describe them for us. Let us know about their chiseled features, or generous bust, or smooth skin, or so forth. Don't just state that someone has a particular quality of being attractive.

- The attractive thing also relates to a different issue. It's okay to note from time to time how good looking someone is. But you do it way too often. Or maybe not 'too often', but too blatantly. Everyone is constantly noting how sexy everyone else is. Naruto instantly stares at Yang's tits the second he meets her. You can reference beauty in the description of someone without making it so outright sexual.

Don't get me wrong. It's good that you don't sanitize your story in the way a lot of other writers do. It would be bad to totally remove all instances of sexualization and attraction. But there should be a middle ground. When Naruto goes around perving on every single girl that's even remotely attractive it cheapens it. I don't find the Naruto/Blake angle particularly compelling, because sure he's attracted to her but he's also checking everyone else out so it then feels like there's nothing special there.

- Lastly, switch POVs. It feels like an overwhelming amount of focus is put on Naruto and his thoughts and perceptions. It's either him or someone not even in the central cast like Ozpin. Switch it up some. I'm not saying this as some kind of 'moar Sasuke' fanboyism. You should explore other characters. Give us Yang and Yang's view. Let's see where Blake's head is at. We got a good dose of Shino and Kiba, but I have no idea how Sasuke's thoughts work. Ruby definitely needs some time.

One of the temptations in writing a crossover is that it's easy to shaft the 'canon' characters. You didn't show us Jaune and Pyrrha meeting and you can do that because the reader will just assume things went as per canon. But this isn't canon. You've introduced a lot of characters that weren't there before and their existence should lead to significant divergences. Even if things do happen pretty much the same as canon, you should still make an effort from time to time to write scenes that show us that.
3/22/2019 c4 2Kyo no Kitsune
Holy hell this chapter became unbearable to read really fucking quickly. Three words. TOO. MANY. DESCRIPTORS.
Seriously, amidst the intensely violent close quarters combat sequence against the enormous Alpha that rendered many of the boyish hunters strategic attacks useless, basically every other fucking word is a god damn descriptor. It's very poor writing to basically fluff word count with descriptors MID FIGHT SEQUENCE. Fights are fast paced things, with multiple things happening in a very short time frame, lightning quick reflexes dodging a limb and retaliating with a spray of bullets, jumping back out of and into range, the fighters don't have time to think about the shade that one of the others eyes are colored. Naruto's "azure eyes" don't matter to the guys in mid fight, and they don't matter to the readers mid fight. There's a time and a place for fluffing the word count and describing minor unnecessary details, but a fast paced fight is neither. That sentence with shino as the focus that mentioned their "strategic maneuver" was absolutely retarded.
3/22/2019 c4 Guest
Really descriptive. I got confused sometimes on who was talking but great chapter.
3/21/2019 c4 Danish78
And yeah, please minimize the curbstomps. Fights are more engaging when both sides have a shot of winning; either by capitalizing on a mistake by the opposition or through a well thought out and executed strategy.
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