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for After the Tale

10/10/2017 c2 11Insomniac Demon
This is really good and easy to keep up with. There's a plot and conflict, however, it seems kind of fast paced. The story seems to be moving pretty quickly which isn't entirely bad. You can add in more details to lengthen the story or add more thought from characters since it's in third person. If you don't mind I'll show you an example:

Sans crept down the hallway, a million things ran through his mind as what seemed like a giant wooden door approached him. He contemplated what he would say, how would she react? Would he make things worse? Soon enough he was at Frisk's door, just about to knock when he heard faint sobs inside. Within his bones he could feel himself shattering due to the guilt. Sans took a deep breath then called out the only thing he could think of.

"Knock knock."

Waiting for her response he stood breathless as he finally heard the voice that made his SOUL jump for joy.

"Who's there?" Replied a feminine voice trying to hold a steady voice.

You're doing well in adding detail into your story but adding just a little more can make it flow better together. It won't make the story seem as fast paced as it was. What I usually do is go over in my head the theme of the next chapter and type out a rough draft of the chapter. Later on I'll reread it and add in more details and help make it flow together better.

You have a lot of potential in this story and I'd love to read more, I think you just helped me with my writer's block for my own story. I hope to see more in the future, I'm looking forward to where this story goes~

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