Just In
Community
Forum
V
More
for In Plain Sight

9/21/2018 c1 IROCK108
noice.
7/29/2018 c1 4Wizard Of
"I can teach him everything he needs to know!"
"Tyrian, you kill people."
" Exactly, everything you need to know! "

Priceless. Absolutely perfect.
2/1/2018 c1 3Ultimate Student
"Raised by Raven." HA!
10/21/2017 c1 Guest
You would think he would stop almost calling salem mom, but no just like always jaune is constantly messing up.
10/19/2017 c1 Tykronos
Hmm...seems interesting.
10/10/2017 c1 Teh-Heartless-1
Tried to keep an open mind reading this, since I have read white sheep a few times, so will attempt to be as objective as I can and keep direct comparisons to a minimum.

Overall, it seems that you've taken too much from your inspiration. You've gone with the same elements, wanted to take it in a more serious direction, but have kept key points that you seemed to like. Some to be almost complete parallels lifted from the other fanfic, such as Tyrian telling Jaune he'd teach him. In the both, Jaune points out he only knows how to kill people, and Tyrian confirms this. It's a bit much to say it was inspired. Qrows' suspicion of Jaune being a Branwen seems a bit too direct.

In terms of the writing, there's a few grammatical errors you might want to keep an eye out for, maybe run it by a few different people to be sure, but overall I wouldn't say there's much of a problem there. I think the biggest problem however would be how much information you as the author assume people will know. For example, until Jaune was spotted in the forest there was no description of him, so him appearing as a Grimm rather than a human was only found out halfway through the chapter. Also later on, when Jaune learns his sisters are going by aliases, he already knew who lust was. I suppose this could be put down to him inferring identity from behaviour or prior knowledge, but at the same time she explained the concept to him, so he appeared both informed and uninformed about his sisters new naming scheme. While blunt exposition can be blocky, I think you might need a better way to introduce information and concepts to the readers.

As for the naming scheme itself, it is a bit played out. I maintain that fanfiction should be independent and not be restricted by what's already out there, barring actual plagiarism. That said, I feel like it's just there for the sake of it. According to Qrow, Remnant wasn't big on religion anymore, and Christianity seems like it'd be out of place. But there's suspension on disbelief there, after all this is a world in which Jaune is Salems' son, it wouldn't need to be completely lore accurate. And Qrow does wear a cross necklace, which I suppose could be used as an entry point to the series. I think that the Prides' idea of using it as an intimidation tactic wouldn't be realistic though, seeing as their appearance would be more effective than names like Sloth, Envy and Lust. It's ok in principle, but I'm not sure it fits in with the rwby universe in practise.

In terms of pacing, it seems rushed in places, as though you want to get to a lot of plot elements quickly. Jaune leaves home, saves summer, travels to beacon, undertakes the initiation and is placed in a team all in the same chapter. I feel that each of these could be an interesting occurrence by itself and are only being half touched on in favour of quickly getting to the starting point you want. This could be said for a lot of introductory chapters, but it feels like you just wanted to establish the narrative as quickly as possible.

Overall I'd say this first chapter has been unremarkable. I wouldn't say it was inspired by white sheep, more of you're retelling parts you liked in a way you want. As a random stranger I suppose I can't judge, after all you did get the permission of the original author, but I'm just giving my opinion. I think you could benefit a lot from more extensive world building and devoting more time to each event. Also it would be helpful if you bounced this off someone first, asking you questions, pointing out if there's things that haven't been conveyed to them as a way to shore up any potential plot holes. I hope in future this will grow into its own piece of writing, but for the moment this seems to be fanfiction of fanfiction, without its own charm.
9/25/2017 c1 Guest
everyone gotta hate on the grimm prince, lol, good start, would like to see where this goes
9/25/2017 c1 8DinoGuy2000
This isn't the type of thing I usually read, but it is curious. I think I'll watch this.

Good work!
9/24/2017 c1 X3runner
It would be funny if crow panicked because it looked (dose t have to be a real one) that yang and jaune are attacked to one another or are dating/going on a date.
9/23/2017 c1 LancasterFan
please please let the pairing be Lancaster is the better of them all (even though i also like Arkos and Harems), but now seriously from all the RWBY girls i think that the one that fits more with Jaune Canon is either Ruby or Pyrrha, i know this is an AU but considering that Salem's imprisonment and torture of Summer was one of the reasons that make him leave her, and the fact that he befriends Ruby gives a possibility for a Lancaster pairing in this fanfic, yes i know that its not that simple but considering my earlier points there is still a chance, also i really want to see more Lancaster in this site, but Arkos or a very small harem (as long as both Ruby and Pyrrha are in it since i cannot see them with anyone else but Jaune) are also good enough for me.
9/23/2017 c1 Cat Poster
Watts is the one with the fabulous mustache
9/22/2017 c1 Guest
love to read how this goes
9/22/2017 c1 Guest
I kinda thought Silver Eyes being a Grimm's kriyptonite would make Jaune have a instinctual unnerved/bad touch feeling when around Ruby. Guess not. Also Jaune is screwed if he gets hit by an fatal attack, his lack of a soul means no Aura which is going to be a major pain in the ass for him.
9/22/2017 c1 Dark007arc
Why did you have Ozpin know that Jaune was the son of Salem because that destroys a lot of narrative tension, while also having Jaune be able to fight destroys his ability as a character to grow. Took an amazing premise and taking out what made it great and left as just another Jaune is overpowered story. This is underwhelming
9/22/2017 c1 Guest
i like it a lot and i have read coeur version
26 Page 1 2 Next »

Desktop Mode . Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service