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for The Stardust of Remnant

11/7/2017 c4 17Ben56
Is good to see that you are going to continue this story, i will be waiting the next chapter, and i agree whit you. Adam Taurus must die as the stupid bastard he is, i will be happy to see Jaunne/Galen cut his arm of as punishment. Thanks for the awesome story, until the next chapter.
11/3/2017 c4 xgensean
I'm not going to lie I disliked the dress seen so much that I almost want to stop reading this story. It was so cringey and sad I actually shed tears of cringe and pity. Not only that but I also wanted to puke at the fact that this took up most of the chapter. The concept of this story was great the setting is good but not the interactions with his sisters. As a brother myself if my sisters had done this to me when I was a child I would never forgive them and would not talk to them in my adult years. In short dressing up a boy and girls clothing disgusts me in a fundamental level especially when the person getting dressed up is not doing it in their own free will. I consider this almost like rape.
10/31/2017 c4 Guest
Well Ozpin and Starkiller have something in common now that are only unique to them.
10/31/2017 c4 Guest
Adam is Remnant's Hilter and his White Fang their nazi party so I was not surprised of the outcome, just not expecting it to happen that soon.
10/28/2017 c4 Guest
Ah damn. I thought we would get to the main plot soon.

Anyway good story.
10/29/2017 c2 Xearthes
Well, it seems we have a world-destroying, Atlas-ship-decimating, broken-moon-levitating badass coming.
10/15/2017 c3 Guest
Kinda hoped for a force choke. No one like's spying birds.
10/17/2017 c3 1YouAreEmpty
I enjoyed Chapter 3. It feels more direct and I can feel the emotions from the characters. I particularly liked what his sister did to him since it forced me to grin and chuckle.

However, I find some of your adverbs to be in the wrong places. In other words, some of the writing could have flowed better without them.

For example: "Jaune sprawled his body all over his comfy bed, snuggling comfortably onto his yellow silk sheets. He silently wailed at his weakness..." could be
"Jaune sprawled his body all over his comfy bed, snuggling onto his yellow silk sheets[...] He slammed his eyes shut, wailing at his weakness." (The brackets indicate that I would put something between the two sentences. It would sound weird to have two sentences with the same pattern.)

Now everyone should know that silk is a luxury resource so it's accepted as a comfortable object. Now regarding the second sentence, it's a matter of writing style. I prefer to use introductory/concluding participles while making the action subtle, but yours work fine (especially considering the preceding sentence was a participle pattern.)

You should keep in mind of this tip: Use adverbs when they change the verb in unusual ways. E.G. "He smiled bitterly."
10/16/2017 c3 Derpeon
Birds, which include crows, are not mammals.
10/16/2017 c3 death444
like the story but don't like how jaune is around his sister need to man up
10/15/2017 c3 Xerox45
I like this please continue working on thia
10/15/2017 c3 Knight of the Thorn crown
YAHAHAHOOY. I got all giddy reading this story. Never give up man. ;)
10/14/2017 c2 YouAreEmpty
Your POV is working against you.

I can understand what you want to express. The biggest issue I have right now is that you're very focused on the telling aspect rather than showing aspect. You know that one saying commonly said in writing? "Show, don't tell." Now I'm not saying you should only show from now on, you should write more rhetorically.

Third person omniscient tempts you to tell, even if the details are boring or unnecessary. In my opinion, it's a difficult POV to pull off even if you avoid common pit traps. The fault lies in the lack of intimacy. Intimacy is a "jealous" emotion if that makes any sense, and to weave it in the readers for a bunch of characters at once is very difficult.

For example: if a Third Person Omniscient observes a battle from above, we would observe the pieces moving around. If it keeps observing MANY pieces, the readers are taken out of the immersion and see it as a board game. That's because battles are inherently confusing and messy.
Now if it was Third Person Limited, we would be feeling the despair and terror of our protagonists trying to survive.

Third Person Limited restricts the author to one character at a time, which allows greater control over characterization, plot, setting, etc. Contemporary readers tend to be more familiar with this POV given that it somewhat resembles TV and movie shows. That's what makes it intimate like how First Person is.

So is Third Person Omniscient a flawed POV? Not really. Its lack of intimacy is actually a feature. A feature that isn't useful to many modern writers these days unless they have a particular plot that synergizes well if Third Person Omniscient was used. A majority of readers want to feel the characters' emotions, they want to embark on their adventure, they want to know their struggles.

If you're going for a Third Person Omniscient approach, pay attention to how you want to unfold the plot. Its lack of intimacy is good for alienation. Take "Stranger in a Strange Land" by Heinlein for example. It's about some guy who wants to fit back into a society that doesn't understand his behaviors. The Third Person Omniscient makes the readers distant and isolated from the story, just as how Smith is distant and isolated from society.

Other than that, there are some composition issues that would make publishers trash your writing, but since it's a fanfic, I honestly don't care. By that, I mean "the boy was ...mentally unique." The ellipsis should be in front of "was" like "the boy was... mentally unique."
10/13/2017 c2 2Zen-Xith
Danm loveing this so far cant wait for more
10/9/2017 c2 Mr. Anybody
Loving the beginning already please keep going and don't abandon it.

Grimm: you could make some Grimm that look identical to Monsters from the Star Wars Universe.

Titan: A Grimm that looks Identical to a Gorog (Mostly because I think it would be awesome to recreate that battle from Force Unleashed 2)

Gigante: A Grimm that looks identical to a Rancor.

Pit Maker: Sarlacc

Cave Breaker: Acklay

(Not original names I know but something to think about)

Aura: In RWBY Aura is mainly a shield to both absorb and heal damage, as well as awaken a Semblance. Here are some ideas you can use.

Constructs: Commonly used yes but it's just awesome, not as a Semblance but creating Constructs of pure Aura.

Surface Walking: ok I admit I got it from Naruto but the idea of using Aura to stick to any surface is still cool.

Hunter X Hunter: I know this is really lazy but you could use or describe something similar to the Aura used in Hunter X Hunter. I wouldn't recommend it but you could use it as a base to come up with creative ideas.
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