Just In
for Down in the Dumps

10/22/2017 c1 8Pearl Bramble of Willowbottom
I loved this story, Orangebird124 and HollyAnne1084! You really captured the essence of Riley Andersen, Jordan and their emotions, as well as making the transitions from the real world to their individual Headquarters seamless! That’s really hard to do and you two made it look easy! As great as the characters, plot and pacing are, I do have some constructive criticism to give. It’s not to be mean at all, I just noticed some things you can improve upon. This mainly has to do with correct grammar, past tense and timelines. Don’t worry, I struggle with this stuff too, even book editors don’t catch every mistake. The more you practice writing correctly, the better you’ll be at it.
“Riley’s distractions gone away when she saw Jordan walking out of his house.” Not to sound like a Grammar Nazi, however, the correct sentence is Riley’s distractions went away.
“All they did was turn right, walk a few blocks down, cross the street, and the school’s just ahead” Since this story’s supposed to be in past tense, it should read the school was just ahead.
During the nineteen nineties and two thousands, children were taught that the Civil War was fought over slavery, until enough parents and teachers protested over textbooks educating false facts. This convinced current history books to explain why and how the Civil War was really fought. Although Inside Out isn’t clear on exactly what year the movie’s supposed to take place, it looks like it’s around the 2010’s, as current cell phones were being used throughout it.
“Riley went to the back of the room and nervously slid under the desk all the way in the back, where most of the boys are at” Past tense needs to be used consistently throughout your story and ending a sentence with the word at is grammatically incorrect, even though plenty of people talk like that. I know it’s really hard to use correct grammar, when you hear it being spoken incorrectly, however, using correct grammar will convince the readers that you know what you’re talking about. Here’s a little secret, if you can use correct English grammar and have a story with common sense in it, you can convince your audience of just about any possibility. If it’s any comfort, I’m still learning about English grammar and I got a bachelor’s degree in English!
How relatably suspenseful, using the common lockdown as the first chapter! That’s a great way to hook the readers on the first page! I also feel relieved that Riley didn’t die during the lockdown, I was assuming that would happen, as you two did say that this is a sad story. You’ve also gotten my curiosity up on what happened on Thursday the 16th that Riley’s emotions don’t want her to recall. Besides a few mistakes that need to be corrected, you both did a wonderful job on your first chapter! I’m definitely following your story and it’s one of my favorites so far! I greatly look forward to the next chapter!
10/21/2017 c1 5Orangebird124
Oh, yes! Our first collab is finally out! Woohoo! (Joy: *cheering* Hooray!) I actually loved how the first chapter went out and it was awesome to see Jordan and his Emotions again! (Sadness: I miss them so much.) (Fear: Thank goodness they didn't go missing or that they were forgotten forever.) (Anger: *hollering* Beanpole! You know that Jordan and his Emotions were never forgotten! We just haven't seen them in a long time!) (Disgust: Here comes Jordan with the same old cap again.) Disgust, don't insult Jordan! (Disgust: Hmph!) Wow, everything was going good and normal for Riley and Jordan while talking about what would happen if a criminal broke into the school until it came true while Riley was in history class, talking about the assassination of Abraham Lincoln! (Fear: *screaming* Oh-no! The prediction came true! It really did!) (Sadness: *starts bawling* Why do things have to go so horribly wrong?! WHY?!) (Anger: *growls angrily* Nobody breaks into my girl's school!) The teacher was so calm about it during the lockdown and everyone, including Riley hid under their desks. For a moment, I thought the gun shot came from the terrorist and the knock on the door, but it turned out to be a police officer in the end. (*Fears gasps loudly and then passes out*) (Disgust: *annoyed* Not again, genius!) (Joy: *relieved* Whew! I'm glad this lockdown is over!) (Sadness: *sobbing* I think I'm gonna have nightmares with this now! *sobs into Anger's arms* Oh, Anger, hold me!)

I'm glad that Riley is okay after the police officer told everyone that the terrorist had been caught. What's this I see? Thursday the 16th Island has been formed! Now this is definitely an unforgettable day for Riley and especially her Emotions! Joy and Sadness, I gotta tell you something about you two during the introduction. You were great, you were perfect, you were better than perfect! You were superstars! (Joy and Sadness: *in unison* Thanks, OB!) Holly, I think I have a feeling that "DITD" is gonna be a very successful collab and now I'm looking forward to the next chapter! (Sadness: *sniffles* Too bad Fear is gonna miss out on the next chapter because I just saw him faint.) (Joy: Don't worry, everyone! I'll revive him!) Yeah, you do that, Joy! Holly, I'm giving you five lucky stars for this story! :)
10/21/2017 c1 18Svinorita
I've been waiting for this story to come out for a while now and here it is finally! You have done amazing with the start Holly and I can't wait to see where this is heading :)
Oh no, Riley had a horrible day at school...first Jordan asks her what would happen if a terrorist broke into the school and a few minutes after class began it actually happened! It's almost as if Jordan knew what was going to happen and he was trying to warn her or something...creepy isn't it?
Anyway due to the shock and terror of the event a new Island was formed in Riley's mind: Thursday the 16th Island! I hope her Emotions can find a way to get rid of that awful place...or maybe they could change it into something more positive? I don't know...
I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens in the next chapter!

This is a really great start and it was so well written :) Keep up the awesome work my friend!

P.S. I love how you made Joy and Sadness narrate the Author's Note! That is such a creative idea :)

33 « Prev Page 1 .. 3

Desktop Mode . Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service