for Fate Overlord (Discontinued)4/2/2020 c25 
1morfeo34
Seguras con la historia?
Espero que si me an canto este cap y la historia en general ojala lo termines
1morfeo34Seguras con la historia?
Espero que si me an canto este cap y la historia en general ojala lo termines
3/8/2020 c3 3XXxxxadisxxxXX
*sigh* ever since the first chapter your grammar has been slipping constantly. It's almost to the point now where I don't want to read it because of very silly mistakes or just plain misuse of the English language. I understand you may not be the best at it but your first chapter did not have as large amount as you have here. The main thing that irks me is that it feels like you had the correct grammar the first time you wrote but then you went through and deliberately put in articles where they should not be.
A quick example of this is "He does this." which is the correct way of saying something. However, you tend to use lines like "He does to this." or "He does a this." It just sounds completely unnatural and every time something like it shows up I get pulled out of the story.
3XXxxxadisxxxXX*sigh* ever since the first chapter your grammar has been slipping constantly. It's almost to the point now where I don't want to read it because of very silly mistakes or just plain misuse of the English language. I understand you may not be the best at it but your first chapter did not have as large amount as you have here. The main thing that irks me is that it feels like you had the correct grammar the first time you wrote but then you went through and deliberately put in articles where they should not be.
A quick example of this is "He does this." which is the correct way of saying something. However, you tend to use lines like "He does to this." or "He does a this." It just sounds completely unnatural and every time something like it shows up I get pulled out of the story.
2/13/2020 c1 Valor-Derzod
Some sentences seemed like they were missing words. Some seems like reworded copies of the one before. This is archer not shirou and I doubt he’d ever think of his name as such unless both came to this world and I missed it. In which case my bad.
Some sentences seemed like they were missing words. Some seems like reworded copies of the one before. This is archer not shirou and I doubt he’d ever think of his name as such unless both came to this world and I missed it. In which case my bad.
2/6/2020 c25 N2
Please continue I am looking forward to more.
Please continue I am looking forward to more.
2/5/2020 c3 pepejohn
Forgot I dropped this due to the grammar issues, came back to say im dropping again. Humanity would be on mars by now if humans all had the knowledge of what a grammar checker is.
Forgot I dropped this due to the grammar issues, came back to say im dropping again. Humanity would be on mars by now if humans all had the knowledge of what a grammar checker is.
1/26/2020 c25 Guestinator
A shame this story seems to have been left to the wayside as it has been more than a year since even a note has been done.
A shame this story seems to have been left to the wayside as it has been more than a year since even a note has been done.
1/2/2020 c2 pepejohn
Man, I really can't read this with the grammar issues. Interesting premise, but the spelling here I just can't handle.
Man, I really can't read this with the grammar issues. Interesting premise, but the spelling here I just can't handle.
10/9/2019 c11 XXxxxadisxxxXX
This is almost getting to the point where I want to drop this now. You keep having more and more problems pilling up on top of each other that were never there before. Your most recent one is just Shirou's reactions and facial expressions. You're literally making him feel like a toned-down version of Gilgamesh and it's just disappointing. I'll keep reading for now, but if this does not get better soon I'm going to drop this and leave one final comprehensive review.
This is almost getting to the point where I want to drop this now. You keep having more and more problems pilling up on top of each other that were never there before. Your most recent one is just Shirou's reactions and facial expressions. You're literally making him feel like a toned-down version of Gilgamesh and it's just disappointing. I'll keep reading for now, but if this does not get better soon I'm going to drop this and leave one final comprehensive review.
10/9/2019 c10 XXxxxadisxxxXX
Another thing I'm going to cover here quickly since I just noticed it. You have a problem with being overly vague about certain things for no apparent reason. Normally people are vague to build tension and subsequently fear, but you don't really seem to be doing it for a reason whatsoever. The main thing I am talking about here is Shirou's backstory (maybe?) with the Black Scripture. You keep mentioning it but then you completely discard it to just bring it up again in the future. You need to make up our mind beforehand next time or make it serve and actual purpose besides just audience frustration. It's not too jarring but I thought you would like to know.
Another thing I'm going to cover here quickly since I just noticed it. You have a problem with being overly vague about certain things for no apparent reason. Normally people are vague to build tension and subsequently fear, but you don't really seem to be doing it for a reason whatsoever. The main thing I am talking about here is Shirou's backstory (maybe?) with the Black Scripture. You keep mentioning it but then you completely discard it to just bring it up again in the future. You need to make up our mind beforehand next time or make it serve and actual purpose besides just audience frustration. It's not too jarring but I thought you would like to know.
10/9/2019 c7 XXxxxadisxxxXX
Gonna outline a few of the major flaws I have seen so far with your story for you really quick.
The first major flaw was your pacing. You tend to jump from one scene to the next with little to no thought about how you got there. This would be fine if you were to specifically state a scene change with a little context. You could say *Scene Change Ainz Pov location* or something along those lines to break up one scene into the next. With your current way of writing it feels like you, for lack of a better term, just shifted from one scene to the next without any thought.
The second major flaw I'm going to discuss is the way you seem to phrase/write your fight scenes. It feels like I'm reading a wuxia novel. This in and by itself is not bad if your writing is meant to be a wuxia novel. I could tear into your writing itself here but that would be just mean so I will just give you some advice on how to better your writing. You should try and take a second or two to think out the scenes you just wrote and read them through then ask your self if they make sense. If you simply do that you can fix a lot of the problems you have while writing fight scenes.
The third and final flaw I'm going to cover is that you seem to either not edit your work or just have a poor understanding of the English writing. For you at least your problems mostly seem to be verb tense errors, suffix errors, spelling errors, and misuse of words. This luckily for you is easily fixable. The easiest way you can fix this is just by spending some time to actually edit it yourself so as to make your work more readable. Another way you could try and fix your errors would be to get a beta reader or to download the Grammarly extension; however, these two solutions to your problem are flawed but still better than nothing.
Now that the critiquing is out of the way I will go into what I liked about your story.
The main thing I liked in your story was the idea itself. Not that I'm trying to beat you down or anything but you haven't shown me anything else yet that really defines your work besides just the basic idea. I'm going to keep reading for now and see how much father you go and whether or not you improve. After that, I'll review your story again with a small status update, but until then ~ciao.
Gonna outline a few of the major flaws I have seen so far with your story for you really quick.
The first major flaw was your pacing. You tend to jump from one scene to the next with little to no thought about how you got there. This would be fine if you were to specifically state a scene change with a little context. You could say *Scene Change Ainz Pov location* or something along those lines to break up one scene into the next. With your current way of writing it feels like you, for lack of a better term, just shifted from one scene to the next without any thought.
The second major flaw I'm going to discuss is the way you seem to phrase/write your fight scenes. It feels like I'm reading a wuxia novel. This in and by itself is not bad if your writing is meant to be a wuxia novel. I could tear into your writing itself here but that would be just mean so I will just give you some advice on how to better your writing. You should try and take a second or two to think out the scenes you just wrote and read them through then ask your self if they make sense. If you simply do that you can fix a lot of the problems you have while writing fight scenes.
The third and final flaw I'm going to cover is that you seem to either not edit your work or just have a poor understanding of the English writing. For you at least your problems mostly seem to be verb tense errors, suffix errors, spelling errors, and misuse of words. This luckily for you is easily fixable. The easiest way you can fix this is just by spending some time to actually edit it yourself so as to make your work more readable. Another way you could try and fix your errors would be to get a beta reader or to download the Grammarly extension; however, these two solutions to your problem are flawed but still better than nothing.
Now that the critiquing is out of the way I will go into what I liked about your story.
The main thing I liked in your story was the idea itself. Not that I'm trying to beat you down or anything but you haven't shown me anything else yet that really defines your work besides just the basic idea. I'm going to keep reading for now and see how much father you go and whether or not you improve. After that, I'll review your story again with a small status update, but until then ~ciao.
9/12/2019 c3 Jack1nTheBox
did you just copy paste dialogue momonga used? because you're having a character like Shirou who I very much positively aligned karma wise, speak in the same way evil overlord Ainz does. it makes no sense.
did you just copy paste dialogue momonga used? because you're having a character like Shirou who I very much positively aligned karma wise, speak in the same way evil overlord Ainz does. it makes no sense.
9/12/2019 c2 Jack1nTheBox
I'm pretty sure the incatation was something along the lines of "my core is twisted in madness" not "twist my core" but whatever.
I'm pretty sure the incatation was something along the lines of "my core is twisted in madness" not "twist my core" but whatever.