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for Even Angels Fall

2/5/2020 c4 5Aspiring-Creator
CT-7567, now where have I heard this name before? Oh wait I remember, it's Captain Rex! That one badass trooper from the excellent TCW who was so cool and beloved he made appearances in so many other pieces of Star Wars content including Rebels where he was portrayed as having removed his inhibitor chip and thus he didn't commence Order 66...

Well I can at least let that slide due to it being an AU and plus it's overall still a pretty neat cameo. As for the rest of the chapter though? My lord is it such a disappointment. I was really, REALLY hoping for this to be better than the other chapters, especially when considering how long it took for this one to come out because in that time, an author can learn so much and use that knowledge to better their work to such an extensive degree, you have to do a double take to check if you're even reading something from the same author.

Unfortunately, those hopes have been dashed because this chapter is just as poorly done as the rest of them and in some ways is even worse. First there's the way the RWBY elements are finally introduced to the series which manages to be so generic, slapdash and unfitting it's kind of impressive. It just throws the three known teams at us with barely any interaction and Adam is here for some reason. Now in concept, there's stuff here that could work such as for instance Adam's inclusion but like the story in its entirety it's executed so poorly and in such a rushed manner. I like the idea of the Empire being such a dangerous threat that maybe it would motivate some of the more unscrupulous sorts in RWBY to pair up with our main heroes and if done well? I could see it even being done with Adam despite the fact that the series had portrayed him as being someone who was mainly out for himself and his own goals and no one else... but there's a few things to note here.

First, this is not exactly one of those bombshells you can just chuck at the audience right from the get-go but rather this is something that requires build-up to get down and that's ESPECIALLY if we're dealing with a character like Adam or really anything like maybe the White Fang for that matter. Hell, if we really wanted to? We could actually use the Empire's invasion of the planet to lead into some interesting debates between people from Beacon and the White Fang since with the Empire being an organization that is often depicted as racist towards non-human species, this could open up some interesting debate since basically the White Fang and especially Adam will have to choose between setting aside all their pain and anger for the greater good or the possibility of not helping because with all that they've been through maybe they can't look past those transgressions or you could even have these debates between members within the White Fang after they join up with the rest of Remnant's forces. Either way, it shouldn't just be tossed in like this without much of a care in the world.

Another big, BIG issue this chapter has is just how it manages to feel rushed despite the fact that barely anything actually happens here. In no time at all we just cut between different environments and characters with the writing giving us almost no reason to care about what's going on nor does it give anything the proper weight and scale one should feel from a story that mashes one of the biggest space fantasy franchises of all time with one of the biggest surprise successes. Instead as I'm reading it, I just feel bored and at times confused because either we've already cut to another scene after what feels like only a few seconds or I'm trying to figure out where the dialogue is because it makes the same big mistake that a lot of fanfiction writers have made time and time again by not putting the dialogue into its own paragraph and as a result, the organization feels messy and incredibly clunky.

All in all, this chapter is just not good and the biggest shame is that this could've been saved. With time and patience this could've been a welcome change to the story that would save this whole thing but instead it's pretty sloppily put-together.
2/5/2020 c4 GXY-2013
The writing here is much terrible than Shisukage. It is very confusing and unreadable. You should listen to Aspiring-Creator's advice. And I very much agree with trexoil on these.
1/9/2020 c1 Aspiring-Creator
When I first read the summary, I thought to myself.

"Wait, Anakin Skywalker is fighting to destroy the Empire? How in the world does that work?"

Then I thought about the fact this is supposed to be a RWBY crossover and found the idea sort of intriguing since it then led me to wonder how the inclusion of RWBY could've potentially led to such a massive change to the timeline of Star Wars and it got me kind of interested...

Then I realized that was a grammatical error and that it was about Anakin as Darth Vader being sent to Remnant which at the very least is an interesting idea... then I get to this chapter and I see a huge block of text. I see this is also supposed to be a flashback that also has timeskips. Not only does it have timeskips but I see how it basically explains everything in one giant info-dump and that it was done because one person got confused and finally I read that you've been playing Skyrim and see that the main OC villain is a part of the "Dragonborn Tribe". With that, I've just been letting what I've read rattle around in my head and I've gotta be honest with you and say that the more I do that? The more ridiculous and poor this first chapter is.

Now I know you said right from the beginning this is not a chapter and is just meant to explain details for someone who didn't understand certain details but even so, this is the very beginning of your story. In other words, this is along with your summary the VERY FIRST glimpse readers will get of your tale which means this is what paints their first impressions from which they will use to determine if whether or not this story is worth their time and as it is? Hoo boy does this not set a good first impression and the first big reason for this that jumps right out at me is the summary which is way too short and lacking in detail.

For readers? First impressions are everything and part of setting a good first impression is constructing a summary that accurately reflects your work and sells to people what it is while also not revealing anything. In some regards a poor summary can be more damaging to your story than a poor first chapter because this is the first thing you often see on a story's listing. This is the very first piece of writing a person looks over and to better sell what I'm meaning? Imagine you have written the best story you possibly could've written. The writing is perfect, the characterization is on point and it has a natural flow but your summary is the exact opposite. You may get some readers still but for the most part that summary will turn people away, especially if you're a first-time author since you don't have the reputation built up enough to have issues people can just ignore. A summary like this is just way too vague and while granted I still came to read it in spite of the summary? My reasoning is that for one thing, I'm not like most readers and unfortunately so many summaries end up so crappy anyway that if it wasn't for the fact that I feel these are extremely important to setting a first impression I would've stopped covering them in reviews a long time ago.

But since I've moved onto the "chapter"? I now have to report on the quality and unfortunately I'd argue it's even worse and no place makes it clearer than the beginning with the "Dragonborn Tribe" which feels like it doesn't belong in either Star Wars OR RWBY and that's despite the fact these people are supposed to be Faunus and are even labelled as such which considering this is supposed to be a crossover between the two franchises means already I'm lacking the interest to read it because instead of feeling like what was advertised to me? It instead feels like the attempt was to make a Skyrim crossover instead only for the author to forget part way through and so they quickly try to write in RWBY elements so that it somehow still fits when it really doesn't.

Then you get past that and realize that the organization and writing is all over the place. For most of the time, each new line of dialogue is not set in its own paragraph except for the odd moment when it is. There's an attempt to write out weird foreign languages only to have it translated into English before for some reason switching entirely to English, we then do the first option again for Jabba despite the fact he HAS a translator and in barely no time at all we see that translator go to work only for Jabba to suddenly not be translated before he hits the button that sends this Sos character down into the rancor pit only to have him be translated again and that's all the while both his regular name and species name are spelled wrong on multiple occasions and the dialogue itself leaves us with no time to breathe or proper interaction. It's sloppy, incredibly slapdash and instead of getting me excited it makes me feel sort of confused which is a feeling that would stick around for longer if it wasn't for that final paragraph which makes me let out a big fat "what?!".

So Sos, this new character who as far as I'm aware is an OC and is a part of this super special tribe of Faunus that has the name of a video game's legendary hero, is apparently our main villain who not only managed to kill Jabba's rancor but he also is strong enough to kill Emperor freakin' Palpatine and steal his powers which leads to him suddenly learning the Force and the events of the prequels just playing out normally. I have so many, MANY problems with this.

First off, this is supposed to be a crossover between RWBY and Star Wars. That was what was promised to me from the description and yet it doesn't feel like a proper mash-up between the two franchises. Next off, if there's one thing a lot of readers like myself absolutely can't stand because of it being such a common cliche in fanfiction like this, it's when we begin a story expecting it to be a crossover only for a new OP villain to barge in right the hell out of nowhere with them having skills that absolutely do not fit the universe they supposedly belong to that allow them to just outdo and demolish canon characters. Now look, I've got nothing wrong with an OC villain or really OCs in general. If done right they're absolutely great for expanding the cast of stories and if done well you might up creating someone truly interesting.

However, if I am reading a crossover between two franchises I love like RWBY and Star Wars? The last thing I want to read is something like this which feels insanely cheap which comes with the other big problem that this is one giant exposition dump which leaves the reader with no surprises whatsoever and yes, I know this was done to explain how the Emperor knew about Remnant but first off, for an answer to that question this is a MASSIVE stretch to get to it and also, there's literally nothing here that couldn't have been covered in a brief opening crawl that could've also hidden so many potential plot details rather than just spoiling it all right then and there.

And that's not even getting into the main meat of the problems this story has which it has plenty of in the chapters. The plot is INSANELY rushed, characters are thrown at you left and right, scenes are just way too short, the descriptions are butchered and also considering that this Emperor is supposed to be a new character? Not only are there no teases to the possibility of him being different but also he just acts like Palpatine anyway so what's even the point of him being different if you're not gonna change even his personality? I mean I still don't think this whole "OC kills the Emperor and steals his role" thing is a good idea in the first place but at the very least you could've gone the full nine yards and really worked at it.

And really that's what makes this story the most depressing. If you had really worked at this story and all its little details and the writing? You could've turned this into something great because on its own, the idea is actually pretty cool! The idea of Anakin Skywalker as Darth Vader being sent to Remnant instead of Mustafar is a concept I can really get behind if done well. Hell, just mashing up RWBY and Star Wars could lead to a variety of interesting stories, especially when considering part of RWBY's shtick is that it is inspired by old-school fairy tales and myths and Star Wars itself could be considered one of those especially with how many themes they share. I really, REALLY want to like this.

Unfortunately though, it is after looking over the poor dialogue, the messed up organization, the lack of intrigue this story leaves me with, the bare-bones summary and just everything else about the execution that I have to say this is one weak story.
7/30/2018 c1 7trexoil
not bad...not bad at all..., preety good young one
1/9/2018 c1 ImaginativeFury

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