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for Sam Observes Frodo's Suffering

2/15/2018 c1 8brandend
It's really nice to find a fic on here about Frodo and Sam that *isn't* slash! I refuse to read slash, and it seems that most fics about Sam & Frodo on here make the two of them gay, unfortunately, so finding this was a nice surprise! You portray Sam's affection and concern for Frodo really well. :)

Anyway, the lines here are rather long and awkwardly broken up; for instance, the break between 'I'm sure Rosie's / was too' threw me off, as did 'thirst and from / the wounds'. Enjambment in poetry is fine, of course, and can be used well and effectively, but in those instances it made the lines too abrupt, in my opinion. Because the lines are so long and this is so proselike, why not write this as prose? Just wondering, but of course it's your call. With less summary (this reads like a summary) and more description (though not of the 'shattered glass' variety, which is, in my opinion, too cliche), this could be a really powerful vignette!

Also, watch your verb tenses. In one line, you say that 'we were happy' (past tense) 'that he meets our first child' (present tense), and in the line about the tears, it starts in the present tense, but somehow finishes in the past. Try to be consistent and stick to one tense.

Hope you keep writing! :)

PS: It's 'sequel', not 'sequal'.
1/4/2018 c1 21Psycho Tangerine
Something weird with the formatting. Your sentences are being split in half. I think Frodo and Sam need to hold a thank you feast in Smeagol's memory for falling into the pit with the ring.
1/2/2018 c1 47megSUPERFAN
Aw how sweet! :)

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