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for Gaia's Indentured Minister (Oddities of the Multiverse) HIATUS

3/6/2018 c2 Guest
Hello!
I liked how Gaia’s personality is slowly being built with finally being given her POV. I like that a lot of her thoughts have character.
So a few points of constructive criticism for this chapter
1.) The time frame where this part of the story takes place should be better clarified. The previous chapter ended on what can be assumed is the start of her apprenticeship, but suddenly in this chapter it is revealed that Gaia has been teaching her for some time already and that they have already formed a sort of relationship. How far is this into the future? It was a but jolting at first . Maybe slowly easing the readers in to this time frame by giving some context would make it easier to follow
2.) Talking about easier to follow, I think the action scenes could’ve benefitted greatly with a slower was a large portion where I was a bit confused as to what was happening simply because it was all happening way too quickly in the narrative. The “phase one” “phase two” catchphrases only served to make it more confusing. Wouldn’t be be phase three of phase four then? Take more time to clarify the what happens to Xeno maybe when she is pushed into the cave? Or into the spiked bottom of the pit? How isn’t she not injured? Work on your transitions as well.
3.) On character building and consistency I felt like there were some portions that could be improved on. Firstly, sometimes Gaia contradicts herself. At one point she says (with a great deal of certainty) that the chances that Xeno would be able to fly are close to none. She then proceeds to throw her into a pit to test her flying ability? Another thing is the concept of this whole indentured servitude thing. If it is a valuable position, why is she so quick to put her apprentice in mortal danger? If it isn’t, why can’t she just replace Xeno if she’s so incompetent? Why did she choose xeno in the first place? Maybe this is something you would like to reveal later on but dropping a few hints would make sense since you are using Gaia’s POV anyway. Secondly is on the character of Xeno. Given that she is the main character, maybe give her more of a voice (and not just the screaming as she falls into a cave) some depth of realism. I mean, I’d be pissed as hell if I was pushed around so much without even a hint of the purpose of all this pushing. Why is Xeno so okay with it? This is the second chapter and I think it’s important that you establish a point of connection with her and the readers right away. The only new things I learned about Xeno is that she isn’t that good an apprentice. I think you did an okay job with giving us the character of Gaia, cunning, a little bit manipulative, sharp and in a way “motherly” towards Xeno? Maybe do the same for Xeno through Gaia’s voice. Conversations are much appreciated as well! Would love to see more interaction between those two.

All in all I think your story has a lot of potential! Just work on better immersing your readers in the action scenes and making and highlighting characters we can relate to. I’ll be waiting for that next chapter ;)

-from a friend
3/5/2018 c1 Guest
LOVE THIS!”!,
1/10/2018 c1 Little Liar
I like Anime.

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