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3/10/2018 c4 22FumeKnight
This is definitely an improvement from last time, but I would like to point out something on the first part. You changed the third person to first person a few times, that might confuse the reader in some situations. Either you go first person in one slide or third person, since many choose first person as POV - Point of View of a specific character.

Also, the way you arranged the chapter was well organized. Well done on that matter.
3/10/2018 c4 Edub102
Good chapter more chapters please.
3/7/2018 c3 Slovenlyracer74
I like it. I hope you update soon
2/20/2018 c3 FumeKnight
Since I can't log on, I'll simply go by my name for now.

This being your first story, let me give you a few tips for starting authors and be lenient with you. Do take in mind that you're free to accept my advice or reject it since I too write as a hobby.

First of all, try making your chapters at the very least 1500 to 2000 long. Add detail to the environment and expressions while making combat to drag on longer and making the story much more richer to grab ones attention.

Second, be mindful of your grammar, despite you doing this for grades, you should consider how a reader feels when reading your story/chapter. After you finish a chapter read it from top to bottom before posting it, you'll notice mistakes that you haven't noticed during production, I've read your story and I've spotted a few times mistakes that you haven't noticed.

Third, where do you want to take this story at? What idea you want to put down or message you want to transmite? Right now, in my eyes, it looks like you're re-telling the story of Bell, which isn't bad but shows a lack of inspiration on your part as most of us might already know his story.

Fourth, Don't simply go from point A to point B. While you focus on the main character, you'll undermine the sub characters, which have or will have a deeper role in the future of your story.

Fifth, while I fear I might be wrong, I have to guess that you simply wrote the story without having some research on hand. I say this because you've put gold as currency, while the currency is actually Valis. It doesn't hurt having some knowledge beforehand and it'll probably help you in the long run if fans of the serie start pointing out things that look out of place. Just a fair warning in case someone starts to say crap on you and your story.

And finally as a last bit of advice, don't be discourage with negative feedback. You'll get it as any good author has, I myself have gotten it multiple times because of the haters around, but don't fall for them, keep going and in the end prove them wrong. Prove to them that a project in the making can blossom to a story that can and will succeed.

Signed

FumeKnight
2/20/2018 c3 FumeKnight
Odd that my review didn't pass through, I'll just retype it.
Keep in mind that you can take my advice or reject it as you see fit, since this is your first story and you're doing this as a hobby as me I'll be lenient with you.

First, It would be better if you started to cap your stories between 1500 to 2500 words, it is also advised to bring more light to the surroundings around the world, give it more detail and not simply saying it's there without any other things, you were in the right road in that second part I can tell you that.
Also, make it so the fight scenes drag on longer, not a simply stab and it's down. When it comes to these things for an inexperienced adventurer you need to show that he struggles on the first couple of times with different situations that can keep him on his toes. For example, if Bell is fighting against two goblins and a kobold do you think he can end it with a single slash? Think about it for a bit at the event and how tough they might be for a completely new person.

Second, while it's fine for you to take pieces of the story for you to use, it shows that you lack originality in your story and that you're simply telling events that many fans that follow this anime/manga already know, not to mention it can be considered plagiarism if you keep using large tidbits of it. This may and will negatively affect you and the story that you're trying to tell.

Third, what is the meaning of this story that you're trying to say? What is the message you're trying to send to us readers? While winging a story is good and all, having a plan is always advised as a basis for any story. I'll give you an example from me: I know how I start a story and how it ends, but not how the middle goes, which means I'm winging in most cases, but that leaves me room to change and shape the world as I see fit through careful thinking.

Fourth, this one is in terms of mistakes, I make them as well as any writer would, but it would be good to read your chapter from top to bottom was you're done with the production of your chapter. Imagine how the readers feel if they spot a lot of mistakes in the story? They won't get the full experience and feel relatively disappointed in a sense. It's better to have a friend to help you in this regard, two heads are better than one.

Fifth, this one is the most important of them all. Don't feel discouraged from receiving a critic or negative feedback. Take the critics into consideration and disregard the negative aspect of haters saying that the story sucks. While your story is still in the early stage, you might not receive any for a little while longer, but as soon as you reach a certain point you'll have it. Have the courage to keep going and stick to your idea in the end, while taking in consideration of the good feedback that you receive.

Sixth and final one, always make sure that an event for example a flashback is relevant for the story and to not to focus solely on the main character, have the sub characters that affect the MC have a reason to aid him or to create a story between them. They aren't simply there to be seen, they are there to make a difference in the plot line of your story.

Always remember, what you write in your story is in your hands, not the readers or reviewers. You're the creator and they are simply the audience.
2/6/2018 c1 3Rac95
Sounds like an interesting idea. Let's see how it goes

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