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for Lincoln's Valentines

9/15/2018 c2 DoctorYnot
I'd been saving the second chapter for a special occasion since the first one was so good, which is why this review is only coming in now. Sorry about that! The following is my stream of consciousness thoughts as I read the story. I apologize if it comes off a little messy or disjointed.

Firstly, God, what beautiful imagery with Lori's scene. The way you set the scene, anthropomorphized it with the movie theater that features Lori alone in the audience, was so incredibly comfy and cute. And the Boo Boo Bear lore! I love it when little scenes like that are included in fics, connecting back to the world the story originated from and expanding it in a believable way makes the fic itself seem so much more real. I really can't compliment the dream enough. It was legitimately touching and so very cozy and wonderful. What a way to start the second chapter. A sweet caramel kiss. Tremendous.

The frown right side up thing earlier in the story made me laugh as well, Lincoln trying to self-consciously get a better sense of himself in the mirror. That was terribly cute. 'There's a bicep in there somewhere.' And the turkey tail, I don't know if that was in the first chapter or this one, but it's something I just remembered. Having it be something that might be happening because his sisters are always affectionately rubbing his head is such a wonderful detail that I had to bring it up again regardless. Not to overstate it but that's so clever it might be one of my favorite bits of world building in any piece of fanfiction ever. PS: I came back to this paragraph of the review later upon confirming it was in this chapter. At the time it was just a memory of the story that had sprang into my head when I was thinking about Lincoln's characterization.

Leni's scene was also terrific. The way she loves love is so true to the character, and how she's brought down by the fact it's never directed at her but still stays positive about everything. And also...it's hard to describe, but how she feels the truth more instinctively, more with her body, than by thinking about it. How she holds Lincoln and simply senses this is a perfect boy who loves her, and her innocent mind mixes it up with the pleasure and taste of the chocolate, and her instincts flare up from the scent of his fresh, clean hair and she almost gives her little brother a lick. I was taken by surprise by how fast and effectively choreographed that sequence was, just like Lincoln himself by his sister. Feels good to share that emotion with him, hahaha.

Everyone really is beautifully characterized, as I've said many times before.

It was like a miniature version of their Aunt's green gelatin at thanksgiving, which she admired as one of life's naturally occurring jokes
Great line. You get a sense here of how smart and deep Luan actually is. There's a lot underpinning this girl's view on life that the viewer is never told about, and I feel like this kind of hints at all that's secretly there under the surface. And well done including that bit about not touching it with her braces, too. So many people forget all the little parts that make up the girls, and including them in a realistic way can really make them pop out of the page. I still can't believe this is your first fanfiction. 'A bright, funny laugh the color of her skirt.' And that closing line. Hah, she really is the best.

Lynn being mortified over how hard she inadvertently pushed her little brother to romance them all is very cute. There's only one small thing though, this one line
"Point taken. But don't get cocky until after your chocolate has gotten my approval."
Like I said, it's something very, very small, to the point it's probably just my personal opinion, but I felt obligated to include at least one small gripe in the middle of all this gushing, if only to try and balance things out and get you to realize I mean what I say when I'm complimenting you. Anyway, the explanation got longer than the gripe! I just wanted to it felt a bit strange for Lynn to say it this way and use a word like 'approval'. I believe it would feel a little closer to the character if she said fair enough instead of point taken, and thumbs up instead of approval. Again, just a personal opinion.

Oh my word. Lucy's poem is so damn good I unconsciously read it in her sigh-y, dreamy voice. It felt just like the poem from the Luan/Lucy episode she read to Pop Pop. That is to say, just as authentic. That's amazing. I'm terrible at that kind of stuff personally, I find it so impressive when anyone can do it well and especially in-character. Also, the infidelity, monsters, and ponies thing: 'what do these all have in common?' Very funny. Oh, small typo though, exited instead of excited. Her being so insecure and overthinking a simple, honest gift is accurate to her character, too. We all know she depends on him.
The dark chocolate and black cherry held a ceremony in her mouth, sealing their vows with a kiss of sour, sweet, and bitter sensations.
Wonderful wordplay and imagery.

Oh God, I acted like a dang little girl when Lincoln completed her poem. Cracked a huge grin. You have such a gift for writing and portraying these characters.

Lola makes me laugh so much. She's such a little stinker. Her having chocolate laxatives in case Lincoln ever messes up too bad is awful, but very funny. Disciplinary action, huh? She's so damn cute. 'The prickly act of patronizing thanks.' Great description. On the other hand, and again this is another small personal opinion style thing, I've never been too big on meta stuff. I would have preferred 'gone was the haughty aristocrat from before' instead of 'gone was the haughty aristocrat from the last chapter', but that's another small thing. And the way she reverts back into a simple little girl is adorable. I love how Lincoln plays to her prejudices and preconceptions with the way he styles his candy and what he fills it with. He really knows that little princess.

The way Lisa is so clinical is adorable. The story is starting to come back to me, to the point I think I may have not been able to resist and read chapter 2 before after all. By the way, a small but fairly significant typo in this context: 'A blast of cold hair and a refreshing scent escaped the cracked carapace, chilling her core and making her mouth water.' The hair in there kind of screws up a beautiful description! The daydream she had was awesome, too. Tinfoil being the solution to cryostasis, represented by the girl herself getting thawed out in the future. Funny, comfy and true to the girl.

'Love would have to do as the secret filling.' Great line. I wrote that before I saw 'it was exactly what she wanted', which made me give an internal 'awww'. You're really playing me like a fiddle here.

Loved Lori's hesitation, the slowly dawning dread on all the girls as they realize their gifts aren't good enough. For Lynn Sr. though, "I expect all of you to be on your best behavior as we've never left you alone for this long before." This line sounds a little high handed for a dad talking to his kids. Well, at least it does for Lynn Sr. I would have rephrased it as "I expect all of you to be on your best behavior. Now, I know we've never left you alone for this long before..." He hesitated for a bit, sharing a glance with his wife, but quickly shook it off, "But I'm guessing most of you have plans, so it's not like you'll be here all day."
Again though, it's something very small. I legitimately don't feel like I can improve on your story in any meaningful way. What you've put together feels so confident, brisk and strident that all I can really do is sit back and enjoy it.
"And Just because we'll be out late tonight doesn't mean you can stay up past your bedtimes. I expect everyone to be asleep by eleven o' clock sharp. It's still a school night." The Matriarch reminded in her sweet but commanding voice.
Here I would have but the second bit before the first bit. "The matriarch suddenly cut in," then the speech, then "She reminded them in her sweet but commanding voice." Would have avoided a quotes section immediately after someone else's. Am I explaining myself right? In any case, I feel it would look neater that way.

Man, it's so damn clever for Lincoln to give his parents an assortment of the chocolates of the daughter they're most like. Which means that you, as his writer, are so damn clever. Looping it in with Lisa and parental resemblance...I bet you were proud of that idea when you had it. I would have been. Once in a while you for sure hit a bit in a story where you're like "I bet the author definitely felt good about this part." The slickness of that really got me in a good mood.

HAH! Ritalynn! Their back and forth is so middle aged parents-y and amusing. Gosh, every thread of these first two chapters really join their hands to make the reader feel so blissed and comfy. And Lincoln being such a sweet boy that he feels bad about making THEM feel bad about him being thoughtful is such a beautiful trait of his. He really is the best. I truly enjoy reading something like this where the author has skill and a terrific grasp of the characters themselves.

In the end, I really can't say enough nice things about this story. It took me a while to produce this review, and I know it's been some time since you've updated, so who knows whether this'll get to you. I certainly can't criticize you for that though, I definitely know what writer's block is like and how real life can pile up on you. Ultimately though it really is my sincere hope that you eventually come back to this fic. I can't think of many things I'd enjoy more than reading, in your hand, how the romance develops between these kids. You have an iron grip on what makes the Loud family so appealing and a fantastic writer's instinct. With the foundation of the characters established as well as it was in the first two chapters, I really feel that this would be one of the very best Loud House stories there is if taken to the cesty conclusion. I mean, it's already outstanding just with what's there, but you know me, man. I can't help but want to watch these girls fall in love with their brother. Just based on your existing work I really do think it would be amazing.

In any case, really great work. On a personal note regarding the little patch notes at the end, I can really appreciate the professionalism and sense of pride it takes to go back and improve on the older bits of description so the chapter isn't lopsided instead of just shaving down the later parts or leaving it like it is. I know how hard it is to be happy with something sometimes and what it asks of you to go back to it. My compliments on that as well.

Reading it back, this review really sounds so obsequious. But I really do mean every word I wrote down. I wouldn't have gone through the trouble otherwise. This story really made me feel good while reading it and hopeful for anything more, and I felt I should at least say as much instead of just quietly enjoying it. Plus, it took my mind off the obligation I feel to write more of my own stuff, hah. Ultimately, since this whole thing has expanded to letter lengths, I kind of feel like ending it like one. I hope everything is going great for you and that eventually you find the time and energy to create some more great stuff.

Sincerely wishing you the very best,
DoctorYnot
9/10/2018 c2 3crazytaxi87
Great story. I’m also a amateur too. I post a story about my thoughts for World War 3. I have some negative reviews on it though but I’m planning to write a different story about Lincoln’s adoption theory.
8/15/2018 c2 2nuuo
Looks like a fun interesting story! Was wondering why the M rating and see its still gonna have 10 more chapters? Love ch. 3's title too btw!
7/20/2018 c2 CrazyMowi
Incredible chapter, keep improving you are a great writer
7/7/2018 c2 jasongd
Great story congrats
I'll be witing for next chapter
6/10/2018 c2 Savage
UPDATE
6/1/2018 c2 9Teon
please update soom
5/20/2018 c2 JRC1700
I just wanted to tell you how fantastic I think this fanfic is. I especially enjoyed the scene with Lucy. I can't wait to see where things or going, please keep up the great work!
5/18/2018 c1 savage
Dude even forbidden desires updated when is this story gonna update
5/6/2018 c1 Savage
Did u just like give up on this story or something if ur not going to update then just take it down because the worst part of a story is not hearing the end
5/4/2018 c2 Reaper67
this is cute. Lincoln is very sweet in this story.
4/26/2018 c1 Savage
If this story is not updated by sunday then fuck u and this story
4/22/2018 c2 Teon
please please update soon this is an awesome story, and I just have to know what happens next
4/21/2018 c1 Savage
FUCKING UPDATE
4/15/2018 c2 Silntjr
Really enjoy this so far. It was cool seeing the thought put into each sisters chocolate, and their reactions too. Looking forward to more soon.
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