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for A Quiet Life No More

5/8/2018 c8 2Vah Naboris
The summary wasn't kidding when it said that Darrim's quiet live would be over; I did not expect it to be this soon.
3/24/2018 c1 10embyr-75
Nice introduction! I like the idea of exploring whatever struggle Link and Zelda are dealing with (likely of epic, legendary proportions, knowing them) through the eyes of someone ordinary. The tone you set is tense and I'm enjoying that your original characters feel fleshed out and suited to the setting.

My one critique would be that the sentences sometimes get cluttered, which makes them drag a bit. For example: "His son, Erol, didn't nod or reply, though he lowered himself back into his chair, keeping a grip on both the table and the arm of the chair in preparation for having to jump to his feet." It's needlessly detailed. A more concise version would keep the pace moving forward, something like this: "His son, Erol, didn't reply, though he lowered himself back into his chair. He kept himself braced against the furniture, tensed to jump to his feet." Or something like that. You get the picture. Wordiness is something I struggle with myself, so I know the draw can be to put in as much detail as possible so it's just like we see it in our heads. But it's good to try to convey the feeling more and let the reader envision the details sometimes.

I also think your *thump* sound effect would look better in italics instead of asterisks.

That aside, I feel like this story has a lot of promise. The dialogue is really, really nice; it's realistic and you get a sense of the tension from the brevity of it. Looking forward to seeing where this goes!

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