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5/28/2018 c7 20The Helghast Marine
What happens next ?
4/14/2018 c2 FlightyFuschia
Okay, cool. Definitely more action. But wait, where ARE they? How did Hermann find him before the authorities? I feel like you reached the climax before giving it ample time to brew into bubbling tension. I'd like to read more...history between the two of them. Less obvious descriptions of present feeling. More subtext, that is. Like I said in the first review of ch. 1, i like your descriptions, however, perhaps in an action scene, less gerunds should be used. In a screenplay, actions or feeling may need to be added to dialogue to emphasize the tone, but I think in prose it's nice to have either-or. Flows better. I hope that makes sense. Take my review with a grain of salt. I'm not a writer, just an avid reader. Cheers. Happy writing!
4/14/2018 c1 FlightyFuschia
Interesting premise, if standard for an exposition. Not too much action, though, so I'll be reading the next chapter to see what's up. For a start, I like your turns-of-phrase. "Splintering white" for example. You utilize multiple senses in your description, not confined to traditional sentence structure. It's a good technique when describing drifting. My only major problem with this chapter is your point of view. At the start, it sounded like you were in Newton's head, following him down his rabbit hole. Then suddenly we're watching Hermann crystallize his determination to find his friend? It was jarring. I'd suggest staying on one point of view at a time, especially if you intend to make this a long chase. Makes it interesting for the reader to know things that the character does not.
4/9/2018 c1 69Literaturefangirl
That was a very detailed look at the Precursor’s influence on Newt. It’s interesting how you made Newt’s fate in the pre-credit scene diverge, I wonder where he’s going to go next?

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