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for Sky's Broken Promise

7/27/2018 c10 19lovleydragonfly
So I took one paragraph and edited it into a much smoother writing. I noticed you have a lot of running sentences, if you have shorter sentences it's much easier to catch the readers attention.

ORiGiNAL
Byakuran and yuki gain bloodthirsty mad smiles fill of fangs after i use my mist flames to show them what happened after i sent them away but even as they look at us in approval of our actions nether Shoichi nor i are able to keep the worry from showing in our eyes or from flowing to our Sky's though our bond, when they feel and see our worry both sky's glare dangerously at us as they together unholy glee "stop it both of you none of this worrying bullshit from ether of you it's far too late for any of us to be worrying our health at least the four of us know the rules of our game now then shall we teach everyone how to begin a game of hide and seek first?" Shoichi and i give into our sky's madness willingly, lovingly and happily because at the end of the day we're just as insane as our sky's as one another and we all prove this by pressing a large red button of the moveable controller sitting on the coffee table at the same time.

SMOOTh
After I use my mist flames to show them what happened, Byakuran and Yuki smiles turn bloodthirsty and dangerous once I sent them away. But even if they showed approval in their actions, Neither Shoichi nor I are able to keep our worry from flowing through our sky's bond. Both of our skys gazes turn to a dangerous bglare, filled with unholy glee.

"Stop it both of you. None of this worrying bullshit for either of you! It's far too late for any of us to be worrying our health away now. At least the four of us know the rules of the game now. Shall teach everyone how to begin a game of hide and seek first?"

Shoichi and I willingly give into our sky's madness. Lovingly. Happily. Because at the end of the day we're just as insane as our sky's. We prove this by stimutaniously pressing the large red bottom on the controller laying on the coffee table.
4/19/2018 c1 thor94
interesting.
i really like byakuranxtsuna yaoi.
hope for some kinky lemon too with dominant byakuran

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