Just In
Community
Forum
V
More
for Iron Dragon

3/2 c7 Neo-byzantium
I'm glad the Chinese team beat Pravda and put Katyusha in her place. While I like Katyusha, she was being a spoiled brat towards the Chinese in every way possible and needed to be taken down a peg or two. Nonna at least was being good and respectful towards them, she and Klara will likely coax Katyusha into being more respectful towards the Chinese team hopefully.

How exactly do some of the Japanese tankery girls think that the Chinese girls are cheating? Because they use more advanced tanks then them?
9/10/2019 c6 1Cloudberry Jam
I'm Chinese in ethnicity and study the language too, so I suppose I'll just weigh in here and reassure you first of all that the names are just fine. Those are all perfectly fine names for girls. The names given to the tanks and battalions are very fitting as well. I love the attention of detail you put into depicting Chinese culture and exploring their backgrounds and histories.

If you're going to insert mandarin into your story it'd certainly help to always include translations somewhere! 比如说,在刮号里面 (for example, in parentheses). This is so that your readers can follow the story much more easily. Don't expect them to do the legwork of consulting Google Translate!

Keep up the good work so far!
6/1/2019 c6 Neo-byzantium
Interesting story so far but why are the Japanese teams /except for Oarai/ so rude to the Chinese tankery girls? I can perhaps understand Kuromorimine but most of the other Japanese schools don't seem like the rude and hostile type...

Also, what did the Chinese Commander say to Katyusha to get her riled up?
6/3/2018 c4 Guest
It’s Ooarai isn’t it please be them
6/1/2018 c3 8Fanwright
Oh so this is being written as journal entries then. I see now.
6/1/2018 c2 Fanwright
Voltaire said that?

Anyway, decent chapter! We get at least an inkling of character description and development here with Hui Yin. All we know about her that this point is that her family has had a tradition of fighting the Japanese in WWII and that her mother is a strict police officer. Shame we couldn't get anything else though, especially out of the main character, who's perspective is being portrayed in the first person.

They train for three weeks in the desert regions Xinjiang in western China, enduring punishing conditions before heading out to Japan. While the writing on this is fine, its also a shame that this training period is largely described very briefly, like a monologue. You've told us how the training was. I think it would have been excellent to show us how the training went. Yes, you describe the training with the use of the Frankish Charge, but it felt like it was from a top-down perspective instead of from the perspective of our main character popping her head out of the hatch as dust and sand smatter her face under the harsh sun.

Again its a decent chapter! I hope the next one is more descriptive!
5/29/2018 c1 6TheMalteseTiger
So, I'm going to skip all the grammatical stuff because that's not my area of expertise. The biggest problem I see with this chapter, and it's a problem many writers share, is a complete lack of detail. Everything is moving really fast, and it doesn't give the story time to develop. None of your characters have any depth, so far, and the reader has no feel for them, their school, or their current situation. Granted, that's almost impossible with a word count this low. In general, you want to include as much detail as you can about anything important. What do your characters look like? How tall are they? What color are their eyes? Their skin? Their hair? How do they stand, rigid or relaxed? What's the school like? Are there a lot of buildings? What's the countryside like? You say it's a rigorous school? Be specific. What's the weather like right now? What's the colonel's office like? The idea is to show the reader the world you're building. You may have heard the phrase "show, don't tell". What you're doing right now is telling us what's going on when you need to show us. Don't be afraid to write longer chapters, and pack more detail in there. To quote Anton Chekhov, "Don't tell me the moon is shining. Show me the glint of light on broken glass." I personally believe that this is the most important aspect of fiction writing. If you can do this, then everything else is just a matter of elbow grease. Good Job, and keep writing.
5/27/2018 c2 42SeekerMeeker
I really like the way you characterize the main character's way of speaking. We, readers and writers, sometimes forget that even how a character speaks can characterize him or her a lot.
5/26/2018 c1 8Fanwright
Ah, I was hoping someday I'd get to see someone take on the idea of a Chinese themed tankery team! Props to you for pioneering the idea!

That said, I'm kind of surprised at the selection of tanks. I would have figured that pre-WWII era light tanks would have been used here, such as the Vickers 6-ton or T-26, in keeping the with the theme of WWII era-esque tanks. China couldn't make its own at this time, so it had to buy foreign model to combat the Japanese tanks. So I was expecting tanks from a different era.

A lot of character names are being thrown out here without much context. We don't get a good idea about these characters are. I want to care about them, but they have nothing for me to go off on. You can argue this is only the first chapter, but for a story like this you need to hook your audience with characters that make some kind of impression beyond just being patriotic and dutiful.

A brave new take here with a refreshing new nation-themed team! I hope we see some characters personalties come to life in future chapters.
5/24/2018 c1 42SeekerMeeker
Finally, something different from a "boys plus GuP" story!

Overall, it's quite a good start; you already nailed a few potential conflicts, such as the China-Japan relations.

I am quite impressed.
5/24/2018 c1 7LJKN808-H1
can you add the WZ-111 5a please also Excellent story kudos to you

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service