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2/24/2022 c10 8Kukapetal
The subplot definitely ended strong, and I like the hook for the next plotline, with the whole gang teaming up to capture Bojack and his crew!

Like how you handled Caulifla going Super Saiyan…it definitely made sense that Kale would be a trigger for her. It was also darkly humorous that she immediately got affected by the gas and joined the brawl afterward too. Picturing all the protagonists just brawling and beating the snot out of one another while poor, level-headed Nomu tried to resolve the situation was honestly kind of funny :P

Anyway, glad they’re all out (other than poor Kale), and looking forward to the next part. Will write some more reviews when I’m able.
2/24/2022 c9 Kukapetal
Oh crap, now they’ve got another Super Saiyan after them!

Great chapter. Happy to see the reunion between Corono and Caulifla, and her being impressed over how he was able to turn Super Saiyan was cute. Also loved the stuff with Lazuli at the beginning, and how annoying she was with her ranting and unhinged temper. The gag part made me laugh :P

Also glad that Corono is holding a grudge and Caulifla isn’t taking Lazuli’s crap either. She’s been pretty horrible and still is acting awful so I’m glad she wasn’t easily forgiven for her actions.

Cut may be forgiving, but this is treated as a flaw in him by the story, which is well done. She’s a weakness for him, and that does a good job humanizing him.

The gas and the subsequent riot was nicely foreshadowed and the buildup of the various characters becoming more violent, starting by exploiting grudges/resentment and degrading to outright violent insanity was also handled well.

I liked that it ended up being Nomu and Caulifla who kept their cool. It’s good to see Caulifla get more narrative attention, and Nomu, as the most level headed one, was the one most likely to resist the gas and the perfect one to take charge in the chaotic situation.

Well done chapter and I’m eager to see how things turn out
2/24/2022 c8 Kukapetal
Oh, it’s Future Trunks’s timeline! That explains a lot, like why there were so few Saiyan energy signals in the universe and why Cooler was still around. Very nice reveal, I was honestly taken by surprise, but in a good way.

Good fight scene once again. Corono has battled tough opponents before, but this fight felt noticeably different. Much “grimmer” than the others, as you could tell just how high the stakes were and how much it was hurting him/tiring him out. You do a good job not only making the action easy to follow, but also conveying the stakes and tone of each fight.

I love how Corono fights with his smarts rather than just base power, as it makes the fights so much more exciting than just “two guys blast eachother, the stronger one wins.” It always makes it feel like he’s got a fighting chance, and I really appreciate that, as DBZ battles always felt a bit to “predetermined” to me, with power levels trumping everything else. It would have been nice if Flowing Fist got some buildup earlier in the story so make its success feel more earned, but otherwise everything was great.

Good job on the emotional beats too. Caulifla inspired Corono during the fight again, Cut showed just how much he cared for both Scallio and Lazuli, and Corono’s morality got sone needed development. Before, I had little idea of his morality and had mostly settled on “ruthless,” given his little reaction he had to the hostage situation/slaughter on the treasure chest ship. This chapter shows that he does have a moral side (and so does Cut, for that matter), and fleshed it out for me. While I wish it had been done earlier in the story, it was still nice to see the personality gaps start to get filled in.

Back to prison! Hope Caulifla’s been doing okay!
2/24/2022 c7 Kukapetal
I’m liking the dynamic between Cut and Nomu….it’s good that Cut has someone calm and level-headed to reign in his worst impulses and try to keep his dark form under control. Too bad there’s someone out there who seems determined to mess it up!

I also enjoyed the moment when Corono flashed back to Caulifla’s words to him. I’d love to see more moments like that, that serve to both show how Corono learns and develops and uses what he realizes to his advantage AND also shows the friendship between the two. Moments like these are really great characterization and I hope to see more of them!

Unfortunately, mentioning Caulifla reminded me that both the story and the main character have all but forgotten about her. He fled the prison hoping to find help for her, yet he’s happily settled into the role of a bounty hunter without sparing a thought for her. Even if he can’t go to her now, is he frustrated about it? Worried? Trying to come up with a plan or convince Scallio to help him. Try not to forget about characters when they’re “off camera.” Caulifla should still be a major motivation factor for Corono even when she’s not present.

Fortunately, Cut’s vision suggests that the whole gang may be returning to the prison soon. Looking forward to it!
2/24/2022 c6 Kukapetal
I really liked this chapter! It had a lot of good stuff…a bit of intrigue, a bit of horror, a lot of suspense and a well-written fight scene. I wasn’t *too* surprised that Cut tried to screw them over, and since Corono and Scallio appeared to be trying to do the same thing, it was hard for me to really be “mad” at anyone and I could just enjoy them trying to get one over on eachother :P

The fight with Nomo was well done, and I could tell you had fun writing it too. The reveal of each of his special attacks and how Corono reacted to them, how he managed to find a way to outsmart them and eventually win was all great and just how a fight scene should be. Well done!

Liked the hook at the end, leaving the protagonists wondering what had happened to the crew and just what else may be out there waiting to run into them.

Only thing that gave me pause was the situation with the hostage. She just…disappeared from the story all together after her introduction. Nobody worries about what the aliens might do to her when they start fighting over the treasure. Nobody worries about her or expresses concern that she might be among the victims when the find the alien crew murdered. Heck, the fact that *Cut* isn’t worried about her well-being after initially appearing so concerned for her should at least tip off Corono that something strange may be going on.

All in all though, an enjoyable chapter. On to the next one!
2/15/2022 c5 Kukapetal
Again, I think we could have benefitted from a break here. We’ve had some big fights and I don’t think there was any rush to kill if Cooler. I think the meeting with Cut could have stood by itself without Cooler interrupting it. It was an important scene and would give us a breather from battles and instead give us some good character development Which it did, the reunion was touching and I liked the foreshadowing that Cut was probably not going to be a straightforward ally but would be untrustworthy. Perhaps an agreement to team up to defeat the guy who murdered their parents could have led to the Cooler fight in a subsequent chapter.

Fight with Cooler was well-written but it was a bit disappointing he was killed “off camera.” I know it was to establish Cut as a bad*ss, but it was still a letdown after he’d been introduced as a major antagonist for Scallio and Cut to have him go out with a whimper like that.

So glad to see Caulifa again! Loved the scene with Kale, you can tell how difficult this is for her and how much it hurt Caulifa to see her so distraught. I can tell they care for one another, which makes the villainous plot Caulifla discovers seem all the more worrying. She’s alone without Corono and has someone to protect, so let’s hope she can rise to the challenge!

A few little nitpicks:

-if it’s got five rooms, it’s not a hut, it’s a house ;)

-did Scallio really never stop to consider this mercenary Saiyan could be his missing brother? Perhaps he’d wondered about it but was never able to confirm until now?

-I’d think Corono might be a bit more reluctant to become a bounty hunter, given he’d just been on a receiving end of it. Does he ever wonder if the criminals they catch might also be wrongly accused?Perhaps make him a bit more conflicted, even if he eventually agrees.

Anyway, hope you won’t feel discouraged. A rough patch in a fic isn’t the end of the world and I still think the story overall is good. Will review some more when I have time!
2/15/2022 c4 Kukapetal
Whoops, that was supposed to be “a narrative purpose” at the end of that last review :P

Anyway…

This chapter was a bit weaker than the others. I think it suffered from having Cooler show up out of nowhere to start another huge fight so soon after the last one. I think the plot would have really benefitted from both a break between fights (perhaps to get in some exposition in so the characters aren’t having a discussion in the middle of the fight, as that’s awkward and unnatural) AND some foreshadowing of either Scallio’s conflict with Cooler or his impending arrival. Perhaps Scallio sensed Cooler coming earlier and really wanted to defeat Corono before he arrived. The fight between the two could have an added sense of urgency as Scallio drops hints about wanting to end it quickly/mentions some danger coming. Then, when Cooler finally arrives, it would have been foreshadowed and wouldn’t be so jarring.

The fight itself was written well and was a good excuse to unite the two Saiyans against a common enemy, and I’m glad Corono has a place to hide for now.

I’ve noticed that your characters are still having some trouble finding their “voice,” in that, they all talk in the same, somewhat stilted dialogue and nobody besides the villains has a distinctive personality to their manner of speaking. This was something I noticed from the get-go, but was especially noticeable in this chapter due to the info dumps, as it’s more noticeable during them.

I hope you won’t get discouraged though. Finding each character’s distinct voice can be a challenge that many writers, including myself, struggle with. And one weak chapter doesn’t make or break a story either. On to the next one!
2/15/2022 c3 Kukapetal
Whew, this was a long fight! One I could easily picture taking up the whole episode if this were the anime :P

I’m a bit torn on the length since I feel like what works in a visual medium might not translate as well to the written word and therefore it could benefit from being shorter, but at the same time, this is a planet-wide battle and game of cat and mouse with a major character, so it being long and epic isn’t entirely inappropriate. Plus, it *is* a DBZ fic :P

Corono going Super Saiyan was handled well. Although I wish you had fleshed out how his various failures were getting to him earlier in the story so we really feel their cumulative effect pushing him over the edge, you nonetheless did set it up and so the string of failures being the cause of him going super Saiyan is believable. I also liked how you communicated the effects of him going Super Saiyan to the reader. Since he doesn’t know what it is yet, and can’t see himself, telling us how it affects him (speed strength, confidence, more resistant to damage) is a good way of letting us really SEE the changes it has on him without being able to….see them.

A few nitpicks:

-You probably should have described Corono’s outfit in the first chapter instead of stopping to describe it in the middle of this one.

-when you say Scallio has a “southern accent,” I assume you mean a southern US accent? Anyway, remember that the US doesn’t exist in this world. That doesn’t mean the accent doesn’t, but it does mean you have to find another way to describe it. Saying that Scallio spoke with a drawl would be one way.

-the scene with the plant people felt tacked on and didn’t amount to anything. I know it was to heal him, but it felt needlessly elaborate to introduce a bunch of characters for that purpose, only to have them disappear into obscurity again. Since I know from future chapters that Scallio cares about the plant people, perhaps have one of them say something about Scallio that makes Conono realize he might not be all bad. Or have Corono mention them helping him when fighting Scallio, giving him pause as he realizes Corono might not be a danger to them after all. Or introduce a character who is a friend to Scallio which shows us his bond with them more clearly. If you’re going to introduce these aliens, let’s give them a bit more if a barrative purpose :)

Overall, an exciting chapter and a good introduction to Scallio!
2/15/2022 c2 Kukapetal
Corn! He’s named after corn! I spent WAY too long trying to figure out the name pun and now I’m smacking my forehead. Clever little way to give us the information too, I like it!

Again, this is a solid chapter. I can tell how much Corono cares for Caulifa, even if I think the relationship is missing a fleshed out backstory. Bonding via shared trauma is definitely a thing, so I can accept that they got closer sharing their misery in jail. Not so sure about the shared male/female cells or cafeteria, but perhaps this prison is for people who are tough enough that rape isn’t really an issue? I can suspend my disbelief in any event.

Good job setting up future plot points in the chapter…introducing a villain, setting up Corono’s struggle with his emotions, fleshing out the police/guards etc. The latter is especially appreciated, since I was thinking it would be silly if they were *all* evil a-holes who jump to conclusions too quickly. You both established that that’s not true and also set up Corono’s escape by introducing guards who disagree with Corono and his friends’ arrests. Again, many people wouldn’t introduce these elements until they were necessary to the plot, making them feel like an *ss-pull, so I really like you taking time to set everything up so it feels organic.

Fights are still well-written, although some of the paragraphs could use some breaking up to make the pacing a bit more dramatic.

If I had one criticism it would be that sone of the dialogue can be clunky, especially in intense situations. For example, Caulifa saying "It must have taken us too long to break the door down and now the guards are back!" is too long for what I assume is a quick, panicked shout. Something like “We took too long! They’re back!” would get the point across. Same with her shout to him at the end. Something like “Just go! Don’t worry about me, just go find help!” would get the information across while still feeling natural.

All in all though, this is shaping up to be a fun adventure story.
2/15/2022 c1 Kukapetal
A pretty good start to the story! Although Corono is a bit underdeveloped at this point, he is likable and I can tell he cares very much for his friends. His reactions to everything that happened were believable and I found myself invested in what was going to happen to him.

You’ve definitely got your pacing, your dramatic moments, and your fight descriptions down. You hit all the emotional beats for your opening scene and the fights were easy to follow. Usually, with DBZ fics, the fights are either glossed over are incomprehensible written. These things were not a problem here, as I had no trouble telling when was happening and it “felt” very much like DBZ.

There were a few technical mistakes, such as how you formatted dialogue. It should be “Hello everyone,” said Corono, not “Hello everyone.” Said Corono.

Also “spaceship slash moving room” is something you might say out loud, but you wouldn’t write it. When writing, you have access to the /, so use it. Write “spaceship/moving room.”

Overall though, I think the major issue is that everything could use more fleshing out as far as descriptions, inner thoughts, and relationships go. However, you’ve got time to do that in the rest of the story, so I’d def consider this a solid start.
8/7/2021 c1 6RhaenaTargaryen
This sounds like it will be a very interesting story. It is pretty well written but there are some errors. In the first paragraph you a single quotation mark around 'spaceship' followed by a comma. Grammatically, you're supposed to do a double quotation mark "spaceship," with the comma inside the quotation. Also when you do dark haired or blue skinned there needs to be a hyphen: dark-haired, blue-skinned. I would also try to either make the paragraphs longer or join some of the lines together. Short paragraphs of only two lines can be kind of disjointed and difficult for the reader.

If you can fix those minor grammatical errors then I think you can make an excellent fic. What helps me is that I read my fics out loud. If something doesn't sound right to your ear then something's probably wrong. Great work though!
3/27/2020 c3 44Tegusis
Hey man! Remember me? Just into the third paragraph so far and wow... I absolutely love it. Unlike other db stories I read, your story actually has a believable power scaling system from what I've seen so far. The two or three zenkai boost (you have to be specific though. Its either two or three. Corono got either two or three zenkai boosts) tacked onto ssj which is a 50x multiplier from base. Your scaling actually made me believe that it was plausible and it definitely made sense that corono is able to beat scallio, though it was a tough match overall for the former.

Now Im gonna go and read the rest of it. Its a fun ride so far and Im looking forward to the rest. :)
2/11/2020 c4 4Antex-The Legendary Zoroark
Another great chapter! Loving this!

I’m thinking of taking a temporary break from this fic though for now. Hope you don’t mind. I’ll be sure to get back ASAP!
2/11/2020 c3 Antex-The Legendary Zoroark
Hm! Good fight! Got MY blood pumping! Lol.
2/11/2020 c2 Antex-The Legendary Zoroark
Whoo! Close one! But still, only Corono could get away, having no choice but to leave Caulifla! Hopefully he’ll find a way to get her out later...
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