for Naruto: A Red Eye Hidden by Shadow3/28 c28 Guest
Wow. Sakura just decimated them and it was awesome. Also liked when Amari kept fighting despite barely being able to move.
Wow. Sakura just decimated them and it was awesome. Also liked when Amari kept fighting despite barely being able to move.
3/27 c27 Guest
Oh no! Finally some character development for Sasuke, but he can't escape this it seems. I look forward to seeing more.
Oh no! Finally some character development for Sasuke, but he can't escape this it seems. I look forward to seeing more.
3/25 c26 Guest
I really like the bond between Amari and Shika and Sasuke. Also, it's a lot smarter to run than fight like they did in canon.
I really like the bond between Amari and Shika and Sasuke. Also, it's a lot smarter to run than fight like they did in canon.
3/24 c12 N.G MornStar
CHAPTER 6
There's nothing balanced about a five men team comprising of, the top 2 kunoichi, the top male ninja, and the jinchuriki. This plot hole 5-men team, is the sign that you shouldn't have removed your OC'S that early in the story.
And you keep saying that the OC is shy, but soo far she hasn't expressed anything resembling shyness since chapter 1.
CHAPTER 7
The chapter was well written but I couldn't fully enjoy it cause at the back of my mind i kept thinking that Sakura shouldn't even be a member of this team, everything she can do. The OC can do better so realistically she shouldn't be in this team.
Hinata used her byakugan on Amari and didn't react, which confirms that she knows about the byakugan. Atleast that's interesting.
CHAPTER 8
Canon Rehashing
CHAPTER 9
Well written but again, I couldnt fully enjoy it cause we've seen this a hundred times in other Fanfics.
CHAPTER 10
The mysterious green chakra that came out of no where in chapter 6 showed up again and is still un explained, like the hyuga clan's opinion on her.
CHAPTER 11
I feel like the voices from the past came a bit too early, it would have been much better if they were triggered by trauma a little later in the story.
...
At this point I'm disappointed by the lack of canon divergence...
The OC is an Uchiha yet she hasn't done anything to change Sasuke,
She's a Nara but hasn't interacted with the ino-Shika-Cho enough to change them,
She has the byakugan but hasn't interacted with the hyuga clan cause you're actively avoiding canon divergence,
She's friends with naruto but Naruto learned absolutely nothing from their friendship, cause a smart Naruto could change alot of things.
I'm still struggling to accept that they are a 5 men team. While it makes sense for you Author-san to form this plot hole of a team, it doesn't make sense why Hiruzen Sarutobi would make this team.
Sakura doesn't bring anything to the team.
She not top kunoichi, she is not smarter than the oc, she doesn't a Sharingan like sasuke(who will awaken it) and OC, she doesn't have large chakra reserves like OC and Naruto, she doesn't have the byakugan like OC, her chakra control is less than what the OC has. So realistically she shouldn't be in this team cause they don't need her.
You had a great set up for a unique story but you traded it for the story that everybody knows.
When I first saw this story I was shocked by the fact that a story with over 2.2 million words has less than 2 thousand likes and follows, but after coming this far, I now realize that most of the potential audience likely couldn't tolerate the gaping plot holes.
Anyway, I'm not a troll, I don't enjoy making soo many negative reviews, I guess I should say some positives.
1. Your gramma is perfect, most fanfictions are in serious need of spell check and beta readers. I'm glad that's not an issue here.
2. You're really good at describing fight scenes, which is something alot of writers struggle with.
3. Soo far the story has good dialogue.
4. The quality of the story has improved in the last few chapters, which means anyone who can push through the first few chapters will be rewarded with a nice stpry.
CHAPTER 6
There's nothing balanced about a five men team comprising of, the top 2 kunoichi, the top male ninja, and the jinchuriki. This plot hole 5-men team, is the sign that you shouldn't have removed your OC'S that early in the story.
And you keep saying that the OC is shy, but soo far she hasn't expressed anything resembling shyness since chapter 1.
CHAPTER 7
The chapter was well written but I couldn't fully enjoy it cause at the back of my mind i kept thinking that Sakura shouldn't even be a member of this team, everything she can do. The OC can do better so realistically she shouldn't be in this team.
Hinata used her byakugan on Amari and didn't react, which confirms that she knows about the byakugan. Atleast that's interesting.
CHAPTER 8
Canon Rehashing
CHAPTER 9
Well written but again, I couldnt fully enjoy it cause we've seen this a hundred times in other Fanfics.
CHAPTER 10
The mysterious green chakra that came out of no where in chapter 6 showed up again and is still un explained, like the hyuga clan's opinion on her.
CHAPTER 11
I feel like the voices from the past came a bit too early, it would have been much better if they were triggered by trauma a little later in the story.
...
At this point I'm disappointed by the lack of canon divergence...
The OC is an Uchiha yet she hasn't done anything to change Sasuke,
She's a Nara but hasn't interacted with the ino-Shika-Cho enough to change them,
She has the byakugan but hasn't interacted with the hyuga clan cause you're actively avoiding canon divergence,
She's friends with naruto but Naruto learned absolutely nothing from their friendship, cause a smart Naruto could change alot of things.
I'm still struggling to accept that they are a 5 men team. While it makes sense for you Author-san to form this plot hole of a team, it doesn't make sense why Hiruzen Sarutobi would make this team.
Sakura doesn't bring anything to the team.
She not top kunoichi, she is not smarter than the oc, she doesn't a Sharingan like sasuke(who will awaken it) and OC, she doesn't have large chakra reserves like OC and Naruto, she doesn't have the byakugan like OC, her chakra control is less than what the OC has. So realistically she shouldn't be in this team cause they don't need her.
You had a great set up for a unique story but you traded it for the story that everybody knows.
When I first saw this story I was shocked by the fact that a story with over 2.2 million words has less than 2 thousand likes and follows, but after coming this far, I now realize that most of the potential audience likely couldn't tolerate the gaping plot holes.
Anyway, I'm not a troll, I don't enjoy making soo many negative reviews, I guess I should say some positives.
1. Your gramma is perfect, most fanfictions are in serious need of spell check and beta readers. I'm glad that's not an issue here.
2. You're really good at describing fight scenes, which is something alot of writers struggle with.
3. Soo far the story has good dialogue.
4. The quality of the story has improved in the last few chapters, which means anyone who can push through the first few chapters will be rewarded with a nice stpry.
3/24 c11 N.G MornStar
I don't enjoy putting negative but this story is not giving me many good thing to say.
After reading the prologue, I was annoyed by the Ryu plot hole, but I kept reading cause I saw alot of potential for Ryu and Kasai.
However In the very first chapter a 10 year old orphan decided to kill his only family and steal the Byakugan for the dumbest reason and the Uchiha OC lost her eye then gained a byakugan from her dying friend.
[Like I said in a previous comment, the story would make more sense if the three of them joined the same squad, went on their own unique adventure before having Kasai betray them.]
That would have been an exciting unique story, instead you took the easy way out and ruined a good set up in exchange for something we've seen hundreds of times in other Fanfics.
Author-san plot holes not only lower the quality any story, but they also repel some readers.
[I get that you're writing this just for the funsies but plot holes should be the result of mistakes, taking the easy way out by writing plot holes is the one way street to developing terrible writing habits that's forever limit your potential as a writer.]
Chapter 2
After what happened in chapter 1 I was expecting alot of chaos and canon divergence due to the existence of a half Uchiha half Nara with an implanted Byakugan, but instead you OC stole a potions of Hinata life story by having Kurenai as a mother figure, Naruto as an inspiration, and just a bit of Hinata's shyness.
speaking of Hinata, Hinata and Kurenai's relationship started long before the graduation so how come there's no mention of her, even after a five months and a two year time skip.
I understand why the Nara didn't react negatively but how come there's no mention of the hyuga clan
Hinata is her class mate, Neji was her upper classmen, and there is plenty of hyuga clan members, so how come no one has eve spotted her byakugan. Considering all it takes to reveal her secret is just 1 random hyuga opening their byakugan whilst she's in their vicinity.
CHAPTER 3
At this point I was running on pure will power, I over looked the plot holes and force plots.
Then the very first thing that happen in the chapter is another plot hole, she's not a senju or Uzumaki and she's definitely not a jinchuriki but somehow she can create 64 Shadow clones. Like wtf, so now she has large chakra reserves on top of 2 kekkeigenkai, Nara clan hidden jutsu, genius level intellect, hard working mentality, and near perfect chakra control.
Combine her strength with the fact that she treats Naruto well, NarutoShikamaru like her, and fact that she is being protected from the wrath or dissatisfaction of the hyuga clan and you get a MARY SUE.
Especially since she doesn't have any real flaws, cause the closest thing she has to a flaw is her shyness and soo far it hasn't got in her way.
Still no mention of the hyuga clan.
CHAPTER 4
At this point I'm only hoping that she could atleast cause some real butterfly effects.
But Naruto is still incapable of using the clone jutsu (despite the fact that he has a genius bestie teaching him every now and then), no attempt to befriend sasuke, no Hinata (who should have shown up a long time ago due to her connection with Kurenai) and the story is sticking impossibly close to canon.
Still no mention of the hyuga clan, and her byakugan is still a secret.
CHAPTER 5
Still hoping for canon divergence but
Naruto still fails the exam and has to get caught up with Mizuki so he can learn the Multi shadow clone Jutsu, the OC some how tags along and gets to have an emotional moment. The OC expressed some intense emotions in this chapter, whilts it is well written, it's hard to fully enjoy it cause we've seen this hundreds of times in other Fanfics.
Sure Naruto got to find out about the Byakugan and Sharingan, but this isn't the kind of thing that could cause real canon divergence.
We still know nothing about the Hyuga clans opinion on her existence.
CHAPTER 6
First thing that happened
Naruto meets then teaches konohamaru sexy jutsu, (same as canon).
I told myself this was the last chapter I'm gonna read cause at this point, the story that started out with a unique concept is turning out to be a collection of plot holes and canon rehash.
But then Hinata finally shows up.
It turns out she and the OC have known each other since she first came to live with Kurenai. Even though she had zero presence in the previous chapters.
(A sloppy way to fill out a plot hole but I'ts soo much better than nothingIt's a step in the right direction)
(Especially since this made me reach the conclusion Hinata knows about the byakugan, so now we just have to know if rest of the hyuga clan knows.)
Naruto still has a crush on sakura, even though a big part of the crush was due to his loneliness, combined with the fact that she sat next to him. Plus Naruto and Sasuke still ended up kissing. (Too much canon rehash but Ok, it is what it is)
And The OC becomes an extra member in tea
I don't enjoy putting negative but this story is not giving me many good thing to say.
After reading the prologue, I was annoyed by the Ryu plot hole, but I kept reading cause I saw alot of potential for Ryu and Kasai.
However In the very first chapter a 10 year old orphan decided to kill his only family and steal the Byakugan for the dumbest reason and the Uchiha OC lost her eye then gained a byakugan from her dying friend.
[Like I said in a previous comment, the story would make more sense if the three of them joined the same squad, went on their own unique adventure before having Kasai betray them.]
That would have been an exciting unique story, instead you took the easy way out and ruined a good set up in exchange for something we've seen hundreds of times in other Fanfics.
Author-san plot holes not only lower the quality any story, but they also repel some readers.
[I get that you're writing this just for the funsies but plot holes should be the result of mistakes, taking the easy way out by writing plot holes is the one way street to developing terrible writing habits that's forever limit your potential as a writer.]
Chapter 2
After what happened in chapter 1 I was expecting alot of chaos and canon divergence due to the existence of a half Uchiha half Nara with an implanted Byakugan, but instead you OC stole a potions of Hinata life story by having Kurenai as a mother figure, Naruto as an inspiration, and just a bit of Hinata's shyness.
speaking of Hinata, Hinata and Kurenai's relationship started long before the graduation so how come there's no mention of her, even after a five months and a two year time skip.
I understand why the Nara didn't react negatively but how come there's no mention of the hyuga clan
Hinata is her class mate, Neji was her upper classmen, and there is plenty of hyuga clan members, so how come no one has eve spotted her byakugan. Considering all it takes to reveal her secret is just 1 random hyuga opening their byakugan whilst she's in their vicinity.
CHAPTER 3
At this point I was running on pure will power, I over looked the plot holes and force plots.
Then the very first thing that happen in the chapter is another plot hole, she's not a senju or Uzumaki and she's definitely not a jinchuriki but somehow she can create 64 Shadow clones. Like wtf, so now she has large chakra reserves on top of 2 kekkeigenkai, Nara clan hidden jutsu, genius level intellect, hard working mentality, and near perfect chakra control.
Combine her strength with the fact that she treats Naruto well, NarutoShikamaru like her, and fact that she is being protected from the wrath or dissatisfaction of the hyuga clan and you get a MARY SUE.
Especially since she doesn't have any real flaws, cause the closest thing she has to a flaw is her shyness and soo far it hasn't got in her way.
Still no mention of the hyuga clan.
CHAPTER 4
At this point I'm only hoping that she could atleast cause some real butterfly effects.
But Naruto is still incapable of using the clone jutsu (despite the fact that he has a genius bestie teaching him every now and then), no attempt to befriend sasuke, no Hinata (who should have shown up a long time ago due to her connection with Kurenai) and the story is sticking impossibly close to canon.
Still no mention of the hyuga clan, and her byakugan is still a secret.
CHAPTER 5
Still hoping for canon divergence but
Naruto still fails the exam and has to get caught up with Mizuki so he can learn the Multi shadow clone Jutsu, the OC some how tags along and gets to have an emotional moment. The OC expressed some intense emotions in this chapter, whilts it is well written, it's hard to fully enjoy it cause we've seen this hundreds of times in other Fanfics.
Sure Naruto got to find out about the Byakugan and Sharingan, but this isn't the kind of thing that could cause real canon divergence.
We still know nothing about the Hyuga clans opinion on her existence.
CHAPTER 6
First thing that happened
Naruto meets then teaches konohamaru sexy jutsu, (same as canon).
I told myself this was the last chapter I'm gonna read cause at this point, the story that started out with a unique concept is turning out to be a collection of plot holes and canon rehash.
But then Hinata finally shows up.
It turns out she and the OC have known each other since she first came to live with Kurenai. Even though she had zero presence in the previous chapters.
(A sloppy way to fill out a plot hole but I'ts soo much better than nothingIt's a step in the right direction)
(Especially since this made me reach the conclusion Hinata knows about the byakugan, so now we just have to know if rest of the hyuga clan knows.)
Naruto still has a crush on sakura, even though a big part of the crush was due to his loneliness, combined with the fact that she sat next to him. Plus Naruto and Sasuke still ended up kissing. (Too much canon rehash but Ok, it is what it is)
And The OC becomes an extra member in tea
3/24 c3 N.G MornStar
Wait... Five months and a two year time skip and yet there's no mention of the hyuga clan.
Hinata and Kurenai's relationship started long before the graduation so how come there's no mention of her.
I Hope the hyuga clan knows about the byakugan cause if not then that minor plot hole as all it would take to reveal her secret is just 1 random hyuga opening their byakugan whilst she's in their vicinity.
Wait... Five months and a two year time skip and yet there's no mention of the hyuga clan.
Hinata and Kurenai's relationship started long before the graduation so how come there's no mention of her.
I Hope the hyuga clan knows about the byakugan cause if not then that minor plot hole as all it would take to reveal her secret is just 1 random hyuga opening their byakugan whilst she's in their vicinity.
3/24 c2 N.G MornStar
Just the prologue and the first chapter and there's already soo many plot holes.
1. Again, the fact that Ryu was not living with the Hyuga clan is an irritating plot hole.
2. Where did they learn all the jutsu that they use, the academy doesn't teach Medical ninjutsu and body flicker. As if the 10 year old orphan being able to use medical ninjutsu wasn't bad enough, how was she able to perform an eye implant to another whilst fatally wounded and blind.
I know that you wanted your OC to have the hyuga, Nara and Uchiha clan abilities but the way you forced this to happen is very bad writing.
Whilst I understand that you are an armature writer, you should have thought things through and looked for other ways to let her get the Byakugan in a way that feels more organic.
Like having kasai betray them shortly after they become genin, that way Ryu could grow up in the hyuga clan (Minus 1 massive plot hole).
Plus genin who can use medical ninjutsu and body flicker makes more sense than orphans using those jutsus without official training. (Minus another plot hole)
Honestly, at this point. The only reason I'm going to continue reading this is because you admitted that this forced plot was born out of thoughtless self indulgence.
Just the prologue and the first chapter and there's already soo many plot holes.
1. Again, the fact that Ryu was not living with the Hyuga clan is an irritating plot hole.
2. Where did they learn all the jutsu that they use, the academy doesn't teach Medical ninjutsu and body flicker. As if the 10 year old orphan being able to use medical ninjutsu wasn't bad enough, how was she able to perform an eye implant to another whilst fatally wounded and blind.
I know that you wanted your OC to have the hyuga, Nara and Uchiha clan abilities but the way you forced this to happen is very bad writing.
Whilst I understand that you are an armature writer, you should have thought things through and looked for other ways to let her get the Byakugan in a way that feels more organic.
Like having kasai betray them shortly after they become genin, that way Ryu could grow up in the hyuga clan (Minus 1 massive plot hole).
Plus genin who can use medical ninjutsu and body flicker makes more sense than orphans using those jutsus without official training. (Minus another plot hole)
Honestly, at this point. The only reason I'm going to continue reading this is because you admitted that this forced plot was born out of thoughtless self indulgence.
3/24 c1 N.G MornStar
A plot whole in the very first chapter, not a good way to start a story.
I can understand why she was spared from the fate of the Uchiha clan, but a male Hyuga clan member with a byakugan living the orphanage is a gaping plot hole. The hyuga clan go through extreme lengths to protect the their secrets, and they could kill him or enslave him but they could never abandon the boy.
This plot hole has lowered my opinion of this story. That said, I'm going to continue reading.
I hope that there won't be too many plot holes.
A plot whole in the very first chapter, not a good way to start a story.
I can understand why she was spared from the fate of the Uchiha clan, but a male Hyuga clan member with a byakugan living the orphanage is a gaping plot hole. The hyuga clan go through extreme lengths to protect the their secrets, and they could kill him or enslave him but they could never abandon the boy.
This plot hole has lowered my opinion of this story. That said, I'm going to continue reading.
I hope that there won't be too many plot holes.
3/21 c25 Guest
I haven't said it yet, but the writing quality has drastically jumped up over these last few chapters.
I haven't said it yet, but the writing quality has drastically jumped up over these last few chapters.
3/21 c24 Guest
Choji is awesome. I also like what you've done with the cards, Kabuto and other details, the logic flow here is pretty nice.
Choji is awesome. I also like what you've done with the cards, Kabuto and other details, the logic flow here is pretty nice.
3/20 c23 Guest
Interesting new character.
Interesting new character.
3/20 c22 Guest
So if Amari and Itachi really are related, does Sasuke know? I'd hate for him to not know about his newfound family.
So if Amari and Itachi really are related, does Sasuke know? I'd hate for him to not know about his newfound family.
3/20 c21 Guest
I gotta say, I enjoy the new character, Mimi - I think you did well in creating her. Also, this was a damn good chapter
I gotta say, I enjoy the new character, Mimi - I think you did well in creating her. Also, this was a damn good chapter
3/19 c19 Guest
Interesting.
Interesting.
3/18 c169 Isobel Bauch
Looking forward to the next chapter.
Looking forward to the next chapter.