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for The Sons of Efrafa

7/30/2019 c26 36Omnitrix 12
Pretty strong chapter, this one. I think a little elaboration in it and the previous one would have helped bring the psychological impact of the Mystic Springs attack home to the reader, but the depth of this chapter is just plain beautiful. Very interesting interplay of quiet and loud incidents in this story, and that really shines here. I won't drop spoilers for anyone reading this, but the part with the zebra was a stroke of genius.
7/29/2019 c25 Omnitrix 12
Well, you certainly upped the ante this time. No more lucky catches for the cops and no more fumbles from the bad guys. I was interested before, but something tells me this is where we go from the appetizer to the main course.

One thing puzzles me, though: when did Judy collapse, and why did Nick react so little?
7/26/2019 c24 Omnitrix 12
Pretty dramatic chapter. Unsure how feasible that capture was, but it certainly brought the action and moved the plot forward. Good job, too, of showing Jacob pushed past his limits. Lots of creativity, good characterization, and as mentioned before great action. Several side notes like Swazey's history and the account of Jacob's sister doing an interrogation really added depth and flavor.

I did notice a few small flaws which I feel should be noted in the name of constructive criticism. They almost take more words to address than they take up in the story, but they do trip up the reading experience. One is that, while rabbits can digest meat proteins like fish, they get no value out of them (at least fish. Not certain about poultry, I admit). It would be like you or me eating cardboard. Second, you might want to dial back on the word "monster". It's accurate, but beginning to lose its punch. Third, that whole "ask her out" bit with a new face as everyone is scrambling over a domestic counterterrorism setup... well, I'm sure it could feel more out of place somehow, but I'll be darned if I know how. I'd probably hardly notice these in a lesser work, but here they stand out pretty strongly to me.
7/24/2019 c23 Omnitrix 12
You've outdone yourself on the drama here. Politics, police tension, existential turmoil... short of romantic tension I'm having a hard time thinking of anything you missed. Pretty bold move having Judy work separately from Nick (to be honest I wonder if she'd be happy as a police chief, but I can see arguments both ways), but you underscore it with good logic. Way to wrap up the chapter, too (nice touch, that "hour of claws" bit).

I think I forgot to comment earlier about Judy's parents and the reason you revealed for their behavior. It felt a little overencumbered in some of its details, especially coming through Judy who tends to present things pretty directly. On the other hand, with Judy's parents it kind of makes sense. Might have made more sense presented in a phone call with them. Just a thought.

I'd like to thank you, by the way, for a bit of timely perspective. I've often had trouble putting into words why stories that jump between fluff and police work irk me so much, and seeing you do it right was the piece I needed. Most such stories feel disjointed, like one is reading two totally different books at the same time. You, however, join them seamlessly together, so that they grow organically into and out of one another like the talk between Nick, Judy, and Zib. Bravo.

On one final note, lol. Serious Easter Egg tidal waveand I'm sure there were some for which I have no frame of reference. Nicely played.
7/23/2019 c22 Omnitrix 12
Fun scene with the bears and the fish there; a nice diversion from the ever-mounting drama. Feels a bit out of place with all the chaos, but not by much and not enough to kill the fun value. Jacob's fishing technique is especially fresh and entertaining.
7/17/2019 c21 Omnitrix 12
Oof. The business at the Hopps farm was brutal, but the ending of chapter 20 was brilliant and genuinely funny. Love the final remark especially. Judy's defense makes me wonder, though: where did the "I'm (blank), not dead" thing come from anyway?

Back on track, chapter 21 makes a great transition from humor back to serious police work. I was starting to wonder when we'd see Jacob again. Fantastic work on that fight scene. Also, nice to get a clearer view of the real Dickie. Still wondering how they mistook him for a crane operator, though.
7/16/2019 c19 Omnitrix 12
Hmm, quite a lot in this chapter. Very original and believable take on how things could play out with Nick and Judy if Judy were faced with a strange buck'js interest, and a welcome departure from the "any guy but Nick is a scumbag" trope. I'm curious to see how this guy's personality plays out, since so far he seems to show only one facet at a time (one of those being, I suspect, a charade for purposes of irony on his part). Also, love the use of diverse settings here; a worthy successor to the movie's use of scenery.

Slightly less satisfied with the angle of Judy's parents being obsessive match-makers, as their failure to recognize the merits of where Judy's at seems a tad out of synch with their last scene in the movie. Still, I'll give you that one since the extent to which you took it feels somewhat feasible.
3/17/2019 c28 71CanzetYote
I have some questions about this scene from your story:

"His voice never broke, though tears poured down his muzzle."

1. When Jacob cried, did his tears specifically pour down:
A: The bridge of his muzzle and off the tip of his nose as he hung his head
or
B: The side of his muzzle diagonally and off his lower jaw and chin

2. Exactly how would Jacob react and what would he say to me if I hugged him, rubbed his back and licked those tears pouring down his muzzle with my tongue during the scene where he cried? Because every time I read that, I fantasize licking every last tear from Jacob's muzzle.

3. Dumb question but on a scale from 1 to 10 with 10 being the saltiest, how salty would Jacob's tears taste on my tongue if I licked them directly from his muzzle?

4. On a scale from 1 to 10 with 1 being freezing cold and 10 being scalding hot, how warm were those tears pouring down Jacob's muzzle?

I know these questions sound weird but please please PLEASE reply back!
1/28/2019 c14 6upplet
This is a pleasantly detailed and complex story. Very interesting read so far! A friend recommended it to me, and i'm glad i checked it out. Keep up the great work!

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