Just In
Community
Forum
V
More
for Fashionable Faux Fur

4/15/2019 c2 Guest
jaja me gusta tal vez lo que llaman denso es sano hay pocas personas que tienen la mente sana y no llena de malicia es duro saber que eso incluso se esta perrdiendo en los niños
12/9/2018 c1 15She Who Loves Pineapples
Hi, insert fandom blind disclaimer here.

Well to start, the premise of this is interesting. The horror and romance genre catches my interest, as does the title. Wonder if that faux fur isn’t really faux? No idea where this might be going besides that though.

So, it seems Nick and Judy’s coworkers have a betting pool about these two getting together? And Nick is aware of it, but Judy is oblivious.

The situation is interesting for the genre - I wonder if you might be putting a creepy twist on all those cutesy shipping fics where the couple’s friends are way too invested in the relationship.

[ Not that something should just she subverted his expectations.] This is a run-on sentence, and it wasn’t worded very clearly. You mean Nick had been expecting Judy to make a move on him, but he’s okay with being just friends as well?

Maybe try something like this if that’s what you mean: [Not that something should; he was okay with being just friends, if that’s what she wanted. But it wasn’t what he’d initially expected.]

["Gee, I show up to work early and that's the reception I get? Do you want me to be late? That can certainly be arranged."] I like this witty line.

I wonder why he IS bothered up enough about the gift to go to work early? It would bother me too, but not enough to go to my boss about it.

[It was far more economical to outsource it to Judy for free or anyone else even if he had to pay.] - The way this sentence is organized is a little off. I would do it this way:

[It was far more economical to outsource it to Judy for free, or other coworkers for money.] Judy is a very good friend, haha.

[What better way to force two mammals into a small vehicle in hopes of a romantic spark between them.] There should be a question mark at the end instead of a period.

Also in my opinion the sentence would sound best if you deleted the part after “vehicle.” It sounds wordy and we already know the reason why it would happen.

[Judy wasn't any more romantic after receiving the gift.] I think it would sound better as “Judy had not become any more romantic”

[The day wasn't an absolute loss as he had a chance to talk to Clawhauser alone.] This is a time skip, right? A line break here would help.

["So, tell me, who sent a gift to Judy under the organization name of Kindness Ideology Support System."] That should be a question mark at the end.

[“Have you two?"] Some note of Clawhauser’s body language here, as well as some more punctuation to illustrate Clawhauser’s intonation, would be good here. Italicize “have” if he draws out that word to emphasize the question. Put a “...?” at the end if he trails off because he doesn’t want to finish the sentence.

["Everything's going to be just fine," Clawhauser replied. Nick didn't know that the cheetah could grin that wide. "Don't worry, I'll tell you who sent it."]

I like how you show Clawhauser’s body language here! It helps me hear his voice in my head much better. But starting that second sentence with Nick as the subject is kind of distracting. It pulls the reader’s attention AWAY from Clawhauser, who you’re trying to illustrate.

Try it like this: [Clawhauser grinned a wider grin than Nick had ever seen on him.”]

[At least, Clawhauser was going to discover who sent it.] There shouldn’t be a comma after “at least.”

Ah, so there’s definitely something creepy about this dress and this may not be the work of scheming coworkers after all. Maybe you could describe the dress a bit when you first introduce it. Mention that it’s identical to the first, explain how Nick can tell the difference. A smell? If so, it might be cool to describe how Nick smells dead animal fur and looks up in horror to see Judy wearing an almost identical dress.

[Unfortunately, she confronted him during the weekend. "Would you mind telling me why my dress is in evidence?"

"Oh, it is, is it? I told you I lost mine."

"Clawhauser saw you bring it in."] Despite the situation this is funny.

Huh, until now I didn’t know Judy meant mark him with her scent when she said “mark you.” I thought she meant, like, mark him as a suspect, as in, “detain” him and ask him a bunch of questions about his strange request.

[She joked. "I'm not sure if I should be happy that you didn't sell the dress on Zbay. There wasn't much else you could do with it. The size didn't fit you and it couldn't be my scent because you didn't want me to mark you."]

“She joked” leads into the quotation, so it should have a comma after it.

...Oh, geez. That is pretty horrific. I like the twist that it’s not just some isolated serial killer - that would be something Judy could handle. No, what gets to Judy is that it’s an institutionalized, legal thing.

I like how this ends off. I wonder what Judy is planning, why she wants to keep it from Nick - I don’t think it’s just because of spite. I falso wonder who would send her such a thing in the first place.

A nice creepy tale you’ve got here so far.
12/7/2018 c2 6BrutusDeagon
Normally your stories leave me sleeplessly freaked out for days... thanks for that by the way(dry sarcastic tone implied) this one however isn't near as freaky and this chapter actually made me laugh so thanks(serious this time)
12/7/2018 c2 9GhostWolf88
This was actually a nice chapter, thanks.
12/3/2018 c1 Zootanic
Ignore the harsh review from maryomafyoutu406. I love your story, Venom. Don’t listen to the mean people!
11/29/2018 c1 Guest
Watch, your story will be spammed by reviewers
11/28/2018 c1 Guest
ja conosiendo a judi si se muda haría lo que fuera y como fuera para perseguir el crimen no va a estar contenta hasta que atrape a suobjetivo
11/27/2018 c1 1Combat Engineer
Interesting.

Desktop Mode . Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service