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for A Blue Bride

5/28/2023 c2 16Plague Doctor 2035
Very long winded
12/31/2022 c2 Guest
I miss Rico.
8/6/2022 c2 Guest
This is poorly written. Feels like I'm reading a wikipedia page. Haven't you heard of show, don't tell?
7/28/2019 c2 35Assassin's Creed Master
Right off the bat, I might want to apologise ahead of time for the delay of my review, for reasons I will not exhaust you with. Be that as it may, nevertheless, I am prepared to proceed for an author I know has a brilliant future in front of him. Proceeding onward, we at last have achieved the second part in this story of affection and experience, so we should perceive what you bring to the table for us today.

Afresh, we have excellent portrayals that caught the air of the story well, connecting the reader with the various feelings. This includes sight and touch while we also feel the character’s emotions, including love and fear. Nice; the character's discourse (something I was very worried about) has been improved definitely here. Blu and Jewel’s conversation works well, their dialogue is believable and the bonding between them is quite fluent.

During the second portion, the story has taken a sudden unforeseen development, for we seem to have another character to the story. Will they be companion or adversary is the question that I will have to see for myself? In light of that abrupt introduction, I am not certain if the story will incorporate some pressure and drama to develop the story, much the same as Nigel from the motion picture's occasions. In any case, I can't judge too daintily, for there might be more shocks yet.

Criticism time. For starters, I noticed you have the habit of using using words that tell and not show. Most commonly were "Was"and "Were". Of course, I'm not going to be too harsh with that since it's a difficult habit to break and hard to write certain phrases without using them. Using them in speech is acceptable since it's what individuals would say, but description wise, not always the best route to go. To abridge my review, I particularly delighted in this chapter and don't generally have any negative contemplation to state about it. Very well done, great sir, all the best with the two stories and I will anticipate the update from either.
6/30/2019 c2 3Rapper the red macaw
Alright, finally back with chapter 2, let's not waste time and get into it.

Love the chemistry you got going on here between Blu and Jewel, their bonding and getting to know each other works so well and explores why they care for each other so much.

Descriptions are completely beautiful once again, you set the setting really nicely, though sometimes you might go a little bit too deep in that area. Just my opinion though.

The ending looks like it's setting up the antagonist of this story. Gotta admit, wasn't expecting there to be any drama within this story, so nice work, curious as to how that will tie in with a wedding story, though.

Well, I'll be on standby for chapter 3. I'll try and get to your other one as well.
6/27/2019 c2 7MCGamemaster90
All righty, it's been a few months since we last heard from this story, so I took the day to read through chapter 1 to memorise what happened. Onto the review, good stuff, had a nice amount of detail once again. Story's shaping up to be a good one, we got some nice moments here between Blu and Jewel, I feel that you captured their personalities and traits really great.

Things suddenly took a turn for the worse about halfway through, it seems. Curious as to who this random intruder is and why he's after Blu. Awesome work, chapter 3 should be a good read. And don't worry, I will get to Don't Go soon as possible.
6/25/2019 c2 monsterjamvadim

is blu about to be attacked?
6/24/2019 c2 5Kraft58
Okay, Chapter 2, I already expect big things from you because I genuinely believe you have the talent to pull off some pretty good professionally detailed writing. Let's see what is in store for us. One thing you should know, I review as I read, so if I comment on something that is lower than the point I'm at, it's just that I haven't reached that point yet, okay? Let's begin :)

You're opening paragraphs up until Blu had the fruit in his mouth are beautifully written, beautifully detailed, I do believe you could go more in depth with the actual flavor of the fruit itself, as well as the aroma which would help draw us in a little more. We get a lot of touch and sight, but focus one sentence on smell and taste. We could balance it out a little more.

At the bit where Blu responds that the fruit is awesome, you respond with enthusiastically, I think you could re-work that to give it more action, moaned, trembling with delight as he let himself pass a quick smile... or something, avoid -ly words because they tell instead of show. You do quite well with visual descriptions though, I can picture everything perfectly within my mind's eye. Your dialogue in the same paragraph, Blu forms three coherent thoughts, and trips over his own speech. I'm going to say, MASTERFULLY DONE. A lot of writers have the problem of making skipped, rambling speech come out as stiff. You don't have that problem.

I love the banter between Blu x Jewel, you capture their characters really well. It does sound like stuff they would say... except for the Jewel calling him companion thing. But that comes with character development over the time they've been together, so its not to far out of the ordinary to see it happen, just feels weird because its the first time I've heard it.

The rest of it is all excellent, you've done very well. I can't find anything through the second half to complain about. It is engaging enough to pull you through.
6/24/2019 c2 24Ricardo the Black Hawk
We are back with the second chapter of A Blue Bride. First off, thank you for the shout out, I really appreciated it. Without further or do, let's get into the story.

We follow the blue macaws once more as we prepare for their wedding. I liked the bonding and chemistry we got between them, your dialogue has improved and it doesn't feel as forced anymore, feels and sounds quite fluent, so well done there. I admit, the sequence with Blu wiping Jewel's beak clean felt a bit odd and dragged on too much in my opinion, but I could look past that. And it looks like Blu is about to be in for a surprise, let's hope the mysterious intruder is not a foe.

Now, one of my criticisms I have relates to your description narrative. Again, as I may have mentioned before, there should be balance between the story itself and the description itself. You can tell the story and show the scene but still have it where your audience's imagination can make up a part of it.

Like you don't need to give the exact 30 degree angle a bird flies down, what you need to display is simply that he is performing a nose dive. Let the audience think, "okay, is it a 25 degree angle, 35 degree angle, 45 degree angle, did he stop and drop 90 degree?" That's where the fun of reading it comes into play. Same applies to the mention of seven odd minutes, you don't need to be that precise, merely stating "a few seconds" is good enough.

Secondary, I was getting really confused too, there's so much attention to detail that sometimes you mention content that contradicts other stated lore.
In short, I believe the details hinder the story to the point I recommended you cut back. Of course, regardless of what you do, I'll support you all the way.

And that concludes my review for chapter 2. Excellent work as usual and I look forward to seeing more soon.
6/24/2019 c1 monsterjamvadim
Is this Canon?
3/10/2019 c1 5Kraft58
This was beautifully written, very professional, loved it
3/10/2019 c1 3Rapper the red macaw
It's about time I checked out your stories. Need something good to read and Rico's vouched for you a lot.

This is only your second story? Dude, this is years beyond anything I've seen in the site in the past couple of years are so. This is on par with Rico and Kraft's stories in terms of dedication and style.

One thing I will give you praise for is your facts. I can tell you've done a ton of research and it does show here.

Your descriptions are your strongest point, they are completely beautiful, you set the setting really nicely. The way you describe the whole jungle, I can picture it in my head. You're really talented at painting the pictures and settings with words, I really love when you personally do that.

I really want to see more of this story and how the marriage of Blu and Jewel will play out. Will it be like a traditional wedding or will you have your own unique concept? Hope to find out soon.
3/5/2019 c1 7LEE blenderiano
alright men good chapter good story good dialogues after all but as i can see i write the same way as you and many others writers in here, i just wanted to see a bit diferent well... i appreciate your review really and that you're taking care of me, i am not ofended but i must ask no flames pls if you are so good as you said because you gived me some advices at all but why do you have just two storys published and they're not even finished yet i didin't mean to ofend you but a people that consider capable of give adives must be a professional are you?, because uf you're i am totally sorry, and you are good i must admit it you are very good but letting go the english language that obviosly in english you're better than me,pls have pacience on me i am still learning, but em portugues eu sou muito bom, and i hope we can still be friends writes way to go men
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