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for Naruto: The Leaf's Hero Hiatus

3/7/2019 c1 1Bigjo21
word of advise , space out the story more , after one person is done speaking skip to the next line.

hope to read more
3/4/2019 c1 1Novrier
Lets see.
First thing first, structure is plain horrible. Just look at it. You mix dialogue with regular narrative. As a result you get huge blocks of text that are a pain to read through. It is hard to understand who is speaking half the time.
Seriously, start from a new line when a person speaks.
Another matter authors note in the middle of the narrative. Taht is horrible, don't do that. Just describe stuff through the narrative, don't break up the flow of the story with you own comments.
Apparently characters in your story can only speak through screaming. And the only way to show they are screaming is by writing whole lines in all upper case letters. Ahem there is already a tool for that. An exclamation mark. That is more than enough. And is something is particularly loud, describe how loud it is.
I can understand all upper case letters for something massive, like a huge explosion, but not for a guy screaming.
Pacing is rushed, details are lacking. A part is skipped due to it being "canon content and stuff". Alright, that is just plain lazy.
There is a council made of morons. And apparently the only way Hiruzen can speak with them is by screaming. Sure fits with a guy with decades of experience. Oh and he speaks though cliched lines alone.
Sorry, this feels like a collection of overused ideas, stuffed together without much effort put into it.
3/3/2019 c1 Adypoker
WTF IS THIS?
3/3/2019 c1 1AnimeKing211
Aren't you going to fix the coded format?
3/3/2019 c1 Dead profile lol
I don't mean to be rude, but, please, take a look at your document. Everything is in code format.

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