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for Thors Officer School - ToCS1 Outside the Fairy Tale

1/9 c14 DBH
Nice and subtle with Maya's introduction.

And everyone's favorite Phantom shows up to baffle the crowd.

A call back to the previous chapter that I forgot to comment on. One thing the game was perhaps too subtle with was Rean's self-loathing. It left many thinking him a generic yes-man running around helping everyone. You've shown us his inner thoughts and why he tries too hard to be on value to others.
1/9 c14 15Apex85
The mystery thickens and I am here for it.

Seeing Maya here so early was a surprise.

I am picturing them learning the truth of Hamel early at this rate. If not I take it you'll give that revelation its proper weight rather than CS3 where the Branch Campus all end up learning about it offscreen.

That description of the blue haired onr at the end seemed familiar but I can't quite place it...
1/9 c14 15Classic Mecraphone
Oof. Jusis, you asking for no more headaches when Millium is out and about is tempting fate to the nth degree.
12/7/2020 c13 Classic Mecraphone
Considering how adamant everyone is about Rean actually possessing any degree of self-esteem I can’t help but wonder about they would react to his ‘ogre’ side, at least in this version.
Probably be quite the surprise that the proverbial nice guy has a psychotic alter ego (sort of) that gets off on mindless slaughter. And Laura thought Fie being a Jaeger was bad.
12/7/2020 c13 7JohnJoestar17
Well...this course just got a lot more complicated. Reminds me a bit of chess, actually. The culprit makes a move, and Class VII make their own move to respond. As for the Prosecutor...the only people I can think of who can manipulate minds are Weissmann - and if canon is anything to go by he's been dead for two year - and Hexen Clan witches. As for the North American citizen trapped in the embassy, seems like they might be able to provide some sort of clue.
12/6/2020 c13 DBH
I love the depth and detail you're giving us on quartz and arts. It fills in the world nicely.
12/6/2020 c13 Kuman
Hmmmmm the case thickens. I'm liking this detective mystery even more. I think you wrote Rean well enough for the story even though I don't like his fear of his own power but that's mainly because its used as a plot device in the games
12/6/2020 c13 15Apex85
Loved the scene with Alisa giving her lecture. Felt her engineering skills weren't given enough emphasis in canon. Liberl has Tita and Renne, the SSS have Tita, only fair Class VII's Reinford shows off more of her expertise. Plus with her choice of weapon I can't get the picture of her being a more technological Green Arrow out of my head.

Love the investigation and political angles here. Canon should have gone better with that instead of delving into Shonen anime logic(Crow getting off easy, etc).

BTW how far along are you with CS4?
12/6/2020 c13 58DragonSilhouette
Idk what it is about your Machias POVs but theyre always so fun to read. Another great chapter :)
12/6/2020 c13 26tailedninja
Machias really shined in this chapter.
11/29/2020 c12 7JohnJoestar17
Well...this was a bombshell of a chapter. First Vita reveals herself, then it turns out the Reinford Group executed the Railway Cannon project in an extremely underhanded fashion (they didn't murder everyone involved, so I'll give them that), and THEN there's the incident at the Remiferian Embassy. Of course it would be the Liberlian exchange student digging up some juicy tidbits of information. As for Freising, right now I'm 50/50 split between her being actually responsible and she got framed.

p.s. I recognize the 2nd half of the two-stage launch mechanism. Reinford Group built bloody mass drivers.
11/29/2020 c11 JohnJoestar17
Wow...this chapter was quite the rollercoaster in terms of mood. You did a pretty good job portraying combat stress. I know they've had to deal rhinociders before, but things took a turn for the worse with the fatality from the Provincial Army. As for the mystery of the ostrich-rustlers, guess that'll be solved at some point in the future as part of a broader conspiracy. Speaking of which, I noticed Vita being namedropped for the first time in this story. I'm sure that'll come into play eventually...
11/29/2020 c10 JohnJoestar17
I can finally start to catch up with this story again now that certain real-affairs have been settled. This chapter proved to be a treat, from the insights into the inner workings of this AU's Erebonia to the action sequence. I hope Emma isn't shook up too badly, and I can't wait to see which Jaeger corps rustled the ostriches and why.

P.s. Does Dorothee happen to be THAT Dorothee (Emma's Literature Club friend in canon)?
11/29/2020 c12 105Heero de Fanel
Finally found the time to catch up fully with this fic (including the chapter on Spacebattles!) and everyone's kinda taken the words out of my mouth praise-wise so I'll keep it simple; this is *great* reading so far. Keep on doing what you're doing, and I look forward to what comes next (and yes, I fully admit to being just as curious about the eventual ships as the rest of the changes you've made to canon :P)
11/1/2020 c1 21Obrusnine
Holy crap man, this is excellent. Honestly most of the time I'm invited (though I'm aware you didn't explicitly invite me, but offering help is something I enjoy doing) to give feedback on a word, a fan-work nonetheless, I go in with relatively low expectations because it's usually beginners who are still trying to lock down their fundamentals. This time though, clearly I set my expectations far too low, because I'm the one learning by reading this. Aside from a few nibbling technical issues like how it's sometimes hard to keep track of who is speaking and how the first half has a few weirdly placed paragraph breaks, this work is professional quality, doing a truly excellent job of establishing a premise to carry throughout the rest of the tale and kept incredibly interesting by all the color you give to the characters.

As a fan, I also seriously appreciate your clear deep understanding of the lore of the series, and it shows in how natural additions and changes to character backstories are. Legitimately, your writing here is superior to Falcom's in the actual game, and to be honest better than my own (narration in general has never been my strong suit, but you do an excellent job of maintaining flow while also building a compelling image in the mind... I've never been able to find a balance that prevents me from writing too much or too little myself, but you make it seem so effortless here).

If I had anything of true significance to criticize, it's that this is a rather long expository sequence and the story would probably be paced better if you broke it up by having this meeting come back into focus during the main narrative whenever a character shows up. Then again, I guess because I'm primarily a game's writer, this is my cinematic influence talking (scene breaks are much easier in that art form than they are in written works). Like I thought this whole thing was fascinating, but it is rather drawn out from a worldbuilding/setup perspective and can feel a bit tedious as a result.

That said I feel legitimately drawn in by this story and I will continue reading it purely for my own enjoyment rather than specifically to analyze it. I can learn quite a bit from the way you write narration to use in my own work. Incredible writing and I'm excited to see where this goes.
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