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for Neptune and the immortal boy

7/2/2019 c3 Noggris
Seriously? SERIOUSLY?! THIS is a disaster that I'm willing to take time out of my day to at least help in the non-existent recovery of this absolute mess. I'm gonna list them here for you.

1. There is no way any normal person would be willing to kill for their "lover" after a few days, and if so they aren't mentally stable. Fanfiction defies canon, I know, but if you really want to have Neptune bang a guy she met the first minute they met like a mayfly then develop their relationship over SEVERAL chapters before making them do the deed. If this were realistic Ben would be sentenced to life in prison, hell, even DEATH for even doing it! She hardly even resisted as if she forgot she was a goddess! Before you say it, HDD or not, Neptune would be able to shatter his bones. It honest it felt like I watching an episode of Fake Taxi with how fast everything just comes and goes (or in your case cums and goes).

2. Is Neptune just gonna flat out kill other goddesses and admit it on the spot? By chapter two you've made the mistake of having a character kill another character who would've been a valuable asset to the plot, therefore, fucking up your chances of advancing the plot altogether. It's a common human knowledge that the guilty party will try to keep their mouths shut until they eventually break down from stress and paranoia or until someone close to them talks them into spilling it out. Neptune just does it on command like a dog and that doesn't feel right at all!

3. How are you going to portray Lowee after their CPU was slain? Rom and Ram are gonna have to step up and take her place and I doubt they wouldn't be pissed with Neptune killing their sister, am I right? Only an absolute madlad would even think about killing off a critical character and not have their death spark a chain of events that lead to some form of change. What about the other nations? Lowee and Leanbox are gonna filled with outrage than the public after Keanu Reeves' murder because their CPU might be next on Neptune's hitlist.

4. You haven't even given Ben anything original! Hell, your expertise in telling and now showing is bringing it down even more! Ben is so stereotypical that in a realistic scenario none of the goddesses would even want to date him let alone be friends. You gave him immortality, but where did it come from? Where did all of his powers come from? I doubt any form of development is even worth it when trying to salvage this absolute lamelad. Give him motives and a will to fight monsters at least, not a purple loli to fuck.

I'm just gonna leave, take a drink of some cool water and calm myself before I thoroughly wash my eyes and brain with some bleach and forget this ever happened. Thank you for your time, I absolutely regret reading this and I can only hope you improve greatly so we don't have any more sins on this website.

(Not like you read these anyway, huh?)
6/16/2019 c3 Kingfeline
Instead of Blanc its should be noire. Cause in the game they have this rival thing with them like blanc have with vert. This could be how their rivalry starts.
6/15/2019 c3 Kingfeline
Hey ben maybe neptune is just horny. This might have been the first time seeing a real naked boy. And she never got laid before.
6/12/2019 c1 3Mr. Van Helsing
I...I don't even know what to say to this. This is just bad. It's truly just terrible. I don't know who could actually enjoy reading this story, or even how you view this as a "good" story, there are just so many probelms with it.

First and foremost, you describe this character in a simple summary that it just hurts to read. This character possibly thee most bland, boring, unoriginal OC I have ever laid my eyes on.

Neptune is immensely out of character, and doing something like that SHOULD'VE landed him several life time sentences, if not the death penalty. I mean who in the hell just DOES THAT?! Neptune would have undoubtably attacked him for what he just did, and yet she -Enjoyed- it?! And after that Ben is head over bloody heels for Neptune, despite knowing her for not even 15 minutes, acting like Neptune is the first person to "Understand him."

This entire chapter went by faster than bloody damn lightning, hence what someone else said, who commented that this was INSTANT! I'm not even going into the Lemon.

The entire story appears to be written by a child who found out what porn was 20 minutes before writing this. How you could possibly make a "Good story" horrifying. Do you not see the problems with this?!

And normally, I don't read the comment sections before reading stories, but this time I did, and seeing you review on your own story and actually dare to call it good is pathetic.

I only read one chapter of this story, and I know full well I won't like any other chapter you make for this story. This is probably your first or second story, but you have to be smart enough to know that whatever this story is will suck.

But since previous reviews didn't get through to you, I doubt this will too. But I just want you to know that this is possibly the worst Story I have ever laid eyes on.

5/29/2019 c3 DevilsApprentice
I like the direction the story is going, But you REALLY need to work on your grammar.
5/28/2019 c3 4Ben Grem
i like this chapter and all the action. i like how Neptune is when she is being dark and filled with hatred. can't wait for the next chapter to be out
5/28/2019 c2 Ben Grem
This is a very good chapter and i cant wait for the next one. make a fighting scene in the next chapter
5/28/2019 c1 Ben Grem
it is way too fast to have a lemon but still, it is a good story
5/2/2019 c2 Guest
looking forward to the next chapter
5/2/2019 c1 Guest
Love your work just wish it wasent so fast
4/29/2019 c1 20Corrupted Witch 666
What? First time the met and then they *bleep*!? Dude you need to learn from others, because people who met each other had sex is a bit instant. Just start with being friends until they slowly become lovers.

Oh wait, I forgot it's another cliché Self Insert.
4/16/2019 c2 Guest
amazing chapter keep it up
4/16/2019 c1 Guest
could be better just hope the next chapter will be better
4/14/2019 c2 Guest
Now chapter two of this story actually makes sense. If all the chapters will be like this then this will be an awesome story
4/13/2019 c1 Guest
I love your work
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