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for Neptune and the immortal boy

4/14/2019 c1 1Vichade
I seriously have no clue who could've favorited this story aside from your "best buddies" online.

Where do I start... The writing's utterly terrible, it feels like I'm reading scribbles of a ten year-old, Ben is the most boring and awful character you could've ever made, the narrative itself makes no f #king sense (this guy just appeared, went to take a shower, Nep came in after, THERE WAS A BED IN A BATHROOM, two complete strangers decided to make love right then and there because why the hell not), and this is generally the worst you could've performed with a fanfic. Genuinely bloody repulsive.

1. At least read the s#!t you write before you publish it, a lot of this feels incomplete and, again, feels like I'm reading the sort of crap a ten year-old would scribble on a sheet of paper to impress his elders.
2. Everything about Ben is wrong. How about we don't make f #king invincible amazing awesome-at-everything-they-do OCs for a change? Or is that too hard? Are we too lazy to think of something at least a little interesting?
3. C'mon, use your brain at least a little bit! Neptune wouldn't jump into a bathroom bed with some kid who just appeared. And I'm sorry to disappoint you, but she wouldn't let him shower in her Basilicom, either. Way off.

I'll actually ask for a refund for the time I wasted on this.
4/11/2019 c1 PanKeRio
This is not fast

this is INSTANT

at least make it seem like it was well not forced but like he was pushed by lets say his instincts that he has repressed in his seclusion
to put it simple make it more real

give it a reason

you just basically wrote what u want to happen thats it

no reason
no emotion
no thinking

and if u see something u like its not love instantly but infatuation

at least using instincts and immortality as a reason u can blame it on finding the other half that he can spend eternty with (hello both are immortal) and his instincts pushed him to claim her as his

i mean

THINK things throughly because right now its just a piece of wishes

not a story not a fanfiction but a wish list that SOMEHOW was answered by who knows what

and srsly? black hole? at least make him feel pain cuz thats how it wouldve felt if ANYTHING went even close to a black hole

almost instant death for normal ppl

and for immortal unimaginable pain lol

instant regeneration vs speed that even light cannot surpass

the closer u get to the black hole the faster you are the faster it breaks you

and the faster his immortality heals him

i mean WTF

think what ure writing

i dont dislike the idea
i like a thing about adding a male immortal not a cpu or god or sth like that

give a reason for his immortality idk

make him an experiment from middle ages on vampires or sth because he had red eyes and in a way they granted him immortality by feeding him blood from different sources and he lets say evolved thanks to his years he had to live on blood and stale veggies lets say garlic to be cliche
gives u a reason to make garlic his weakness

might eggplant as well to be funny with neptune

right now its a crap
u couldve done this MUCH better if just hink about it

make it real

make it believable

black hole out of nowhere
immortality out of nowhere
seclusion out of nowhere

i mean why would he distance himself?

it will make a target of himself and people would be interested in him in a way and talk about him

make him 'nothing special'
normal in all aspects
nothing to talk about

make him uncaring about people he will forget about in a while

and srsly?
throw him to prison because he appeared out of no where?


there MUST be a reason whe he appared why not ask what happened directly from those involved

you make those characters seem stupid
you make them so FAKE

and neptunia is one of my favourite series
and why must it be neptune?
why there cannot be lets say some interest in him from others BEFORE deciding on ONE

lets say neptune (cuz his instincts claimed her already)

i mean its so easy to think a backstory to this that what i wrote is basically on a fly and took me 5mins to write this whole thing

i did not even think about it
it just made sense for it to be more to be 'real'
because right now its quite shortly

look up other stories
GOOD stories

Hyperdimension Neptunia Love Plus
for example has neptune as main love interest has good backstory
not short like this

of course chapters are slow but are worth it

if you want to write short chapters sure

but make them interesting at least because this story is NOT interesting right now
your idea CAN be interesting but you most improve on what you want it to be

and what the fuck is that lemon?
can i even call it that?

if u dont know how to write then LEARN from mistakes BEFORE realeasing it


LOOK UP how OTHERS did AT LEAST this part
and improve your content based on your observations on what they focused on what they wrote about and as such

also make your story more easy on the eyes

the whole chapter can be 'almost there' in this aspect

the lemon is bad on the eyes so you can also improve that part at least a bit
as ive seen worse so its not THAT bad but there is room for improvement


is this self insert?

or rather you want to changes places with ur character?

because thats the vibe i get by naming ur MC after ur name


IF you want to give him cpu or god powers at least make him both genders

female and male both that he can change between them when he wants but only can access his cpu power while female

AND give him a right mindset if u want to continue with immortality

because IMMORTALITY ALONE is a curse like no other and thats how u showed it in your story

so he should not be i think for common populace its called 'stable in mind'

while i like to call it human reaction based on what said human learned in his experience or what he was taught by others

i dont want to talk about human mind and how it works so i will make it simple and say that

what you dont know about you cant yearn for
a slave born to slave that was born to a slave that never knew freedom and nobody told to that slave what freedom is wont ask for it or try to do ANYTHING to earn it

and its just an example

if you need some advice or have any questions you want me to answer or just simply get back to me on my thoughts just pm me and i will try my best to answer your
i guess the word i want to say is propably 'inquire' or 'derive'

and yes im treating this seriously as i want to see a good continuation of your idea if you improve it a bit with MOSTLY back stories

Ps. this is not in any way written in an offensive way but with improvement of this story in mind
these are my thoughts and opinion and just an example of my thoughts

and even this short review is a little corner of what i have in mind but simply lack words for it and maybe will comment in next chapters as the story goes on on what can be done to improve

of course what u will do is your choice im only giving you examples thought on fly that could work for now

Does this story have a goal in mind?
does this story have a reason to begin with?
i mean why this has happened in the first place? is there a reason?
what will mc do? just accept it as nothing happened or search for a mysterious 3rd person that changed his life?

my question is
do you have something like this?
or is this just a story without a start without an end? without any goal anything really ?
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