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for Fortunate Son

6/26/2020 c7 1EibonVirgo
Welcome back, Doccy! I hope you're doing as well as is possible right now! (Godspeed on those uni applications!)

I have to say, there's a LOT I loved about this chapter. I'm fascinated with Jay's commentary concerning Jack, and I really enjoyed how he parses everything out at the start of this chapter––especially with Homura thrown into the mix. I'm also curious about this person who was waiting for Jay out in front of his garage... did I misread, or is it someone we've seen before? ;)

Also, I've always really enjoyed your writing for duels, but I love love LOVE this. The commentators plus the duel information plus Jay's inner monologue... it's all so nice and easily split, I can tell what everything is and what it's pertaining to. It really paints the whole picture of the dueling circuit and what an 'actual' viewer would be privy to.

Can't wait for the next chapter :)
4/15/2020 c6 6overthemoonday
how did I forget to review this chapter? Oof my bad

Its super interesting the conflict Jay is having in this. He’s showing he wants friends but he’s happy to try and gain fame, but also he’s jealous. It’s natural emotions for a teenage dude that makes this so much more realistic of a story

I show them my favorite finger is a gd mood
10/8/2019 c6 19Time Thief
In this chapter it stands out to me that Dadwin is given depth. He isn’t coming off as some cold, manipulative guy who sees everyone as a tool. He’s showing care for his son and that frustration for once isn’t from Jay doing something against the grain but just from genuinely disliking Dadwin which, well, if he DOES wanna see him as a son has to be painful. It nearly made me like Dadwin more than Jay this chapter smh the power of sympathy

Also, rematch and new deck is hype
7/22/2019 c5 6overthemoonday
I think the best way to describe this chapter is just smart. Everything about it had a backbone to justify every action Jay had, and it was both smart and manipulative in the exact way you were going for, and it's very well handled. Chicken Game is a smart card to play, and Jack's actions were believable. I read this chapter days ago and I'm still processing how you handled this because it really is jus well done, my dude
7/21/2019 c5 19Time Thief
I CANNOT GUSH OVER THE DUEL ENOUGH. Bruh, you should write for the anime. What an awesome, clever way to end it. Reminds me of players destroying their own monsters to get rid of Mystic Mine. Thanks for the great chapter :D
7/2/2019 c4 Time Thief
I like seeing this guilt slowly latching on to him, first about lying and then about how good he’s had it compared to the Satellite. Interested on seeing whatever he has planned~
Thanks for the great work!
7/2/2019 c4 6overthemoonday
Oh that ending was good. I like that I can kind of figure out what’s going on, or try to figure out, but there’s still that element of “oh shit what’s gonna happen is he gonna do this or is he doing something else.” I feel like it’s super engaging

It sometimes got confusing on who was talking just because they were often grouped together in the same paragraph. It’s only during the part where Jay speaks in the beginning with Yusei and the group

I do really like that soft moment where Jay choses not to tell the group about what the city is actually like. It’s probably my favorite moment in the whole series so far because it’s so heartwarming, which is a large contrast to what’s be been going on, and I think that’s why it had such a large impact

I can’t explain why I love the moment between Yusei and Jay, but I think it was a well-written and natural conversation between the two very different characters. It was nice toes the contrast between them and then also see how Jay is manipulating Yusei to reach his end goal. I’m super excited to see how that’ll play out in the next chapter
5/22/2019 c3 overthemoonday
Something that really stuck out at me is the moment his hand starts shaking. It gives you that feeling of wow, he’s actually nervous, but I was taken aback when I realize he was excited, and it’s such a different reaction than what we readers are accustomed to. It’s a moment that stands out for sure and it made me feel super excited reading it

WALKING JOKE HIMSELF. I knew it was Yeager before I continued reading. I had to pause to laugh, that was good. Camouflage while in the Satellite is a smart idea.

I see we have the start to the introduction to the Imaginary Man. I really liked it. It gives you enough information to understand, but it tells you that you’ll learn more later rather than in that moment. It’s a nice hook to want to keep reading

Nice ending. That whole bit with Yusei and his gang- that was well done. I love MC’s that aren’t so good, or can be selfish.

I saw there was a note about swearing, and I don’t agree with it. Take that with a grain of salt because I am biased about this. I swear a lot both in my writing and in real life, but to me it seems more like a writing habit than overpowered. It’s Jay’s voice and there’s nothing wrong with that. But I will also admit I am a huge advocate for writers having their own specific voice. I think he’s a fifteen year old who swears and I appreciate

Hey, shout out! Thanks mate! I just like giving my own two cents, and you’re free to use or ignore whatever you wish
5/21/2019 c3 19Time Thief
OOO, the implication of Godwin seeing the imaginary threat, ooo, shivers. The descriptive work of the foreboding storm and Satellite “belching” smoke(amazing verb choice) is great setup for the mood, too. At the beginning, well, I know cursing is one of his ticks but they struck me as overpeppered in that segment specificallypersonal opinion of course. They just started to lose the punch I normally love. Throughout I’ve been wondering where I’d place Jay on the Chaotic scale. Admitting he’d punt a dog kinda shoved him into C-Evil. At the same time the sympathy from his memories of always being an outcast of sorts coupled with his treatment of Rally makes me wonder if he’s more of a C-Neutral to Good under the surface. But, eh, it’s only chapter 3, right? Anyway, great chapter. It flowed fine, and good luck on the exams c:
5/13/2019 c1 2Zeromk7
Im so much curious about the meeting ! Splendid job on this story even if barely started
5/9/2019 c2 19Time Thief
Ohh, this makes me extremely excited for next chapter. With his and Jack’s natures it’s hard to imagine them NOT clashing, physically or otherwise. Jay being Jay, probably physical, at least a tad :P I appreciated the description in this chapter. Feels bad for Aya. She has to put up with so much, lol. It’s still kinda weird to read “your father” when Yeager was referring to Godwin. Weird in the skin-tingling way. The imaginary friend touching Aya made me feel the same uwu I mean no wonder Jay’s insane; he’s gotta deal with this all the time. Everybody knows everything! But him. Thanks for the shoutout BTW. Good to know you are taking your time on these for quality’s sake. Keep up the excellent work!
5/9/2019 c2 6overthemoonday
The chapter title made me happy. I ADORE his conflict with the Signers, and his views about his own mark. I love seeing that contrast and jealousy going on, especially when he sees the other Signer Dragons. I’m also very curious to see his rivalry (at least, assumed rivalry) with Jack. It seems like from Jay’s perspective, Jack’s Red Dragon Archfiend is the Dragon most like his own aesthetic. I’m wondering which direction you’ll go in with Jay- whether you’ll write out Crow’s character as a Signer or whether or not he will be a Dark Signer. I’ve written a character who is a Dark Signer, and I’ve had to do research on the Nazca Lines and which were there to chose from, so depending which direction you take with Jay will be fun to watch

You switch between Duel Academy and Academia, which doesn’t really matter since it’s the same thing in context, but it may be something to keep note of

Dark End Dragon is a GREAT card

This chapter was a little confusing with the Imaginary Man, and I think it would have helped a lot if there was maybe some explanation, a little more easing into it instead of him popping up, or even just a little backstory to help the readers understand what’s happening
5/9/2019 c1 overthemoonday
I think this is a very interesting concept- with the whole ‘son’ of Goodwin thing going on. I love the idea- as there’s usually daughter of Rex instead- but I always love when a male OC pops by because it’s always unique

I don’t mind first person perspective, but since it’s coming from the character’s point of view and not an outside voice, we only get that specific character’s thoughts, feelings, and what they see/hear. That makes it even harder to show the audience what’s going on. In the case of the imaginary man, especially from what I read in Chapter 2, it can be very confusing just because we know absolutely nothing. Maybe some background information would help, what Jay thinks of him, or even when he started appearing. This may be a thing of it makes perfect sense in your head, but then when you translate it into words maybe you forget that the audience doesn’t know what’s in your head, but rather the words you lay out

I absolutely love the sarcastic vibe. I’m a sucker for swearing and teenage angsty bullshit

I also don’t feel like you need to explain yourself, but this is absolutely a personal bias opinion from someone who also loves to deviate from canon. It’s your story, and if other people don’t like it, they can watch the anime. Whatever creative liberties you take are yours and rightfully yours as an author
4/25/2019 c1 19Time Thief
It’s amazing how the narrative is constantly bursting with personality c: Lots of hints to broil a mystery here, like the serpent mark(crimson devil?), imaginary asshole, and why Rex would adopt a kid. Excited to see where this goes!

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