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for Body of fire

6/20/2019 c8 Ralmon
This story is not bad but is riddled with storytelling issues.

The multitude of POV just makes it difficult to be engaged with the story with intimacy. Every POV change creates a disconnect as you adjust yourself mentally to the new order of things. This chapter especially is problematic. I find it really difficult to follow who is speaking what. Sul also has a vastly different feel from the rest of the POV so far that this chapter feels our of place.

A particular problem with First Person POV also come to play here: too many I's. The pronoun I tends to be repeated often in First Person POV and at worst is incredibly monotonous and distracting. Experienced writers are conscious of this issue and are very careful with it.

This chapter is also mainly exposition, infodump. Worse, nothing really happens. Like, what exactly they are doing here? Just standing around? For the whole chapter?

The pacing is also dull and slow. Most of this story is just about nothing, like this chapter. We constantly get passages about characters doing nothing or just walking from point A to point B or character just talking and talking and talking.

And talking about talking. The dialogue is just stiff. It just sound so artificial and scripted.

And the character are really uninteresting. They are kinda flat. Damien specially is just so generic.

This story actually reminds me of Soap Operas. The convoluted dramas, the shocking secrets, the forced dialogues, overwrought emotions, etc.. The elements are there, only that pokemons are involved.

And, the choice of Damien as the protagonist is kinda problematic. You see, the story is obviously about John's brother and John. Damien has almost nothing to do with their story. Damien is almost nothing more than an extra. The logical protagonist is John's brother but the author decided against it somehow. So now, instead of following the character that the story is about, we are following some extra that has nothing to do with the story.

Well, there is this thing about Damien possessing John's brother's torchic. It feels really forced to be honest. Again, it just have nothing to do with the drama between the brothers. What is the point of that thing? To have Damien be a voyeur? I think a regular torchic would have worked. No supernatural required. We could have just followed Nier as he navigate the drama between his trainer and his trainer's brother. Instead we have someone who is kinda irrelevant to the narrative.

If Damien only have a stronger connection towards the brothers or the drama unfolding, it would have worked much better. Maybe Damien is John's bother's best friend? That way he has a strong reason to be involved with John's brother's life (geesh, why don't he have a name) and he would have worked as an auxilliary POV with little adventures of his own. Instead we are following what is essentially an extra that is just looking in.

~~~~~

The story isn't terrible to be honest. It is actually interesting. The drama between the two brothers is actually compelling and the twist in the Pokemon setting is actually kinda neat and Nier could have made a great character considering his position, but they are more or less subordinated by Damien's story. This is really not good when writing dramas. We should be following the characters central to the drama. If the story is a drama about two brothers, then we should follow the two brothers, not their classmate that they barely interact with.
6/20/2019 c8 1Buddygong
Pretty good chapter and now we enable trust and understanding. I liked the progressive switch and how he brought up one of their older memories. Keep up the good work honestly. I should start writing again honestly.
6/13/2019 c7 Buddygong
Very well done, I like the quick acceptance and taking initiative of the situation. Adds detail to the character and shows his determination. So far this is going well and the character development is rising. Can't wait for the next chapter! Keep up the good work!
6/6/2019 c6 Buddygong
This story has definitely gone on off to a great start for the first chapter. I really like the clash of the two minds and it will be nice seeing them have to work together. Or something else, I have no idea what's happening beyond this chapter. Keep up the good work.
5/29/2019 c5 Buddygong
The reveal of the Torchic name was finally nice and now we can see some perspective from the brother and see how he feels which is a nice touch. I can't wait to see what the next chapter has to offer.
5/16/2019 c3 Buddygong
Great Chapter so far and now we have some more development and a grasp on the two new Pokémon characters which I bet we will see used a lot more later on.

About your side note, I think it would be great for you to go outside and relax. It would at least put some ease on you and you can just relax. You can also even get exercise too! Hehe.

Keep up the good work on the story, can't wait to see the after prologue.
5/10/2019 c2 Buddygong
You've got a very nice story going on here so far and I can't wait to see the next chapter. Keep up the good work!
5/9/2019 c2 Eeviolite
Yeah the story definitively has a good smell!
Can't wait to see the rest of ItGood work!
5/8/2019 c2 1TheShinySpinda
I seek out these newer Pokemon fics because I think that stories like these that do not include some major character from game or anime deserve a lot more credit than they get.

Now, in terms of your story, I really like it. There is a cool, almost fiery quality to Damien, which you portray super well in your writing when you discuss his thoughts on things. I liked the scene with the brother and his Torchic a lot; Damien's reaction was unique, but understandable when you explained his mentality behind it. Thirdly, your writing is legitimately funny. That plate of rice thing was class.

A couple of pointers. For one, it seems to me like you didn't do a lot of proof reading before posting your story. For example, in the paragraph when you talk about John's full name in chapter 2, you use "have" where a "has" is supposed to be three times in a row. Generally, just making grammar corrections is going to be the big thing here (specifically proper tense and conjugation of words like "have"). These are minor technical things, though

If you felt up to it, I'd love to hear your inspiration behind making a story about this specifically. It's quite creative, and I'll follow to see where this story goes from here.
5/2/2019 c1 Kaze.exe
Could use some grammar checking here or there but aside from that, I greatly appreciate that you avoid making any walls of text.

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