for The Knight,The Reaper and Camelot8/14/2019 c5 
2Roland's Blade
Okaay, I nearly got a seizure from all the spelling and grammar mistakes.
1. Respawned means 'coming back to life'. Responded means 'to reply'. You keep confusing that.
2. Don't refer to Jaune or Ruby as the Knight or Reaper. It's bad writing since it annoys the reader. Just say the name or use their pronouns and nobody will care, trust me.
3. Put the dialogue and accompanying paragraph of each character in separate paragraphs. It's frustrating having to reread because I just lost what is what and who is who.
4. Your prose needs quite a lot of work. You have a foundation to fix at least. Read books from well known authors and analyze (not a deep analysis, just how to they thought to write like that) the writing.
2Roland's BladeOkaay, I nearly got a seizure from all the spelling and grammar mistakes.
1. Respawned means 'coming back to life'. Responded means 'to reply'. You keep confusing that.
2. Don't refer to Jaune or Ruby as the Knight or Reaper. It's bad writing since it annoys the reader. Just say the name or use their pronouns and nobody will care, trust me.
3. Put the dialogue and accompanying paragraph of each character in separate paragraphs. It's frustrating having to reread because I just lost what is what and who is who.
4. Your prose needs quite a lot of work. You have a foundation to fix at least. Read books from well known authors and analyze (not a deep analysis, just how to they thought to write like that) the writing.
8/11/2019 c1 GreenThrone
I suggest that you use grammarly, just reading the first sentence is already giving me a headache.
I suggest that you use grammarly, just reading the first sentence is already giving me a headache.
8/10/2019 c5 linuxnoodle
From how the story looks so far, you probably should try to rewrite it. The grammar is just plain bad, with commas being missing all around. Maybe you should get a friend to check it or something? Or just run it through something like Grammarly. Also, to be honest, the characters seem OOC, since I don't believe someone as naive as Ruby would first jump to the conclusion that her family and friends were dead. It would help to read up on the personalities on the RWBY Wiki, and maybe a bit on the Type-Moon Wiki. Otherwise, it's fine.
From how the story looks so far, you probably should try to rewrite it. The grammar is just plain bad, with commas being missing all around. Maybe you should get a friend to check it or something? Or just run it through something like Grammarly. Also, to be honest, the characters seem OOC, since I don't believe someone as naive as Ruby would first jump to the conclusion that her family and friends were dead. It would help to read up on the personalities on the RWBY Wiki, and maybe a bit on the Type-Moon Wiki. Otherwise, it's fine.
8/5/2019 c5 PanKeRio
Before you start writing more
look at 1st chapter
then 2nd
then 3rd
then 4th
and now this
THEN
look at another fanfiction
check for differences
I highly suggest a rewrite
with a proper grammar
and if possible
in a way that it wont make me turn away or skip cuz i cannot bare to read the text
no offense intended
but seriously
if you want to write at least do it in a way that people can understand
next
social relations are
minimalistic
bland
its like reading pure text
i mean like an encyclopedia
it gives you information you need and dont need
takes time to read what you really want or are interested in
and some expections written in a way that makes you more confused than before reading
this is how i get your text
not a manga
not a picture book
not a LN
not a comic
not a WN
not a normal novel
none of the above
only an encyclopedia
while summary got me interested
the inside... well i will leave it to your imagination
once again no offense
but when i read i would like to understand what im reading and not have a headache trying to read it while trying to understand what did the author mean by that
in comparison
this fanfiction look like my 5-6th elementary grade try at writing anything in english
english is basically my 3rd language and even then you can write something better even if you dont understand english that well
which is not possible in this case cuz it says ure from USA in ur profile
just read it once ure done writing a chapter before posting
even better
read what u already posted
word to word
and then say its good or understandable
or that there are some emotions in it
while you did try to put em
thery were not natural
like an emotionless person saying something in a emotionless voice
saying i love you or sth like that
thats how i get it
best way to fix it is simply changing places with the character whos line ure writing in that moment
act as that person in a sense
i didnt want to point out mistakes with examples right now cuz its almost 5 am for me and i would like to at least take a nap so i wont say more
ah you can also work on chapter lenght cuz this 5th chapter is basically 1 screen long not much
i mean it less than 1.5k words per chapter or sth along these lines cuz theres 5 chapters and 7k words total
yup these are things i think need improvement the most
well you can take it as you want i will say it once again no offense so you can take my wordd and improve or ignore it altogether
anyway goodluck if u do try
Before you start writing more
look at 1st chapter
then 2nd
then 3rd
then 4th
and now this
THEN
look at another fanfiction
check for differences
I highly suggest a rewrite
with a proper grammar
and if possible
in a way that it wont make me turn away or skip cuz i cannot bare to read the text
no offense intended
but seriously
if you want to write at least do it in a way that people can understand
next
social relations are
minimalistic
bland
its like reading pure text
i mean like an encyclopedia
it gives you information you need and dont need
takes time to read what you really want or are interested in
and some expections written in a way that makes you more confused than before reading
this is how i get your text
not a manga
not a picture book
not a LN
not a comic
not a WN
not a normal novel
none of the above
only an encyclopedia
while summary got me interested
the inside... well i will leave it to your imagination
once again no offense
but when i read i would like to understand what im reading and not have a headache trying to read it while trying to understand what did the author mean by that
in comparison
this fanfiction look like my 5-6th elementary grade try at writing anything in english
english is basically my 3rd language and even then you can write something better even if you dont understand english that well
which is not possible in this case cuz it says ure from USA in ur profile
just read it once ure done writing a chapter before posting
even better
read what u already posted
word to word
and then say its good or understandable
or that there are some emotions in it
while you did try to put em
thery were not natural
like an emotionless person saying something in a emotionless voice
saying i love you or sth like that
thats how i get it
best way to fix it is simply changing places with the character whos line ure writing in that moment
act as that person in a sense
i didnt want to point out mistakes with examples right now cuz its almost 5 am for me and i would like to at least take a nap so i wont say more
ah you can also work on chapter lenght cuz this 5th chapter is basically 1 screen long not much
i mean it less than 1.5k words per chapter or sth along these lines cuz theres 5 chapters and 7k words total
yup these are things i think need improvement the most
well you can take it as you want i will say it once again no offense so you can take my wordd and improve or ignore it altogether
anyway goodluck if u do try
8/5/2019 c5 r4d6
For fuck's sake, please put more comma in there, and more paragraphs while your at it. Please.
For fuck's sake, please put more comma in there, and more paragraphs while your at it. Please.
5/24/2019 c2 32Khor Evik Vlakhavlakh
I'm evil too, so the cliffhanger is great. XD
Good, my favourite two characters are out of Beacon's idiocy and on their own - which is just by itself awesome. Let's see why and how and when and where and... long story short, let's see what happens next, what happened prior, and how stuff is explained. ;)
32Khor Evik VlakhavlakhI'm evil too, so the cliffhanger is great. XD
Good, my favourite two characters are out of Beacon's idiocy and on their own - which is just by itself awesome. Let's see why and how and when and where and... long story short, let's see what happens next, what happened prior, and how stuff is explained. ;)
5/24/2019 c1 Khor Evik Vlakhavlakh
Interesting beginning, poses many questions... and answers none which is usually a good way to keep the attention of the readers.
Let's see what happens to Jaune, now... *evil smirk*
Interesting beginning, poses many questions... and answers none which is usually a good way to keep the attention of the readers.
Let's see what happens to Jaune, now... *evil smirk*
5/20/2019 c1 r4d6
The story seem to be good, but I suggest that you work the spacing and the commas.
For the spacing, you should at least start a new paragraph when someone is talking.
And for the commas, there is more commas in the authors notes (5) than in the story itself (3). You should see what is wrong.
To help, try speaking the text aloud, so you know at least a little bit where to put them.
The story seem to be good, but I suggest that you work the spacing and the commas.
For the spacing, you should at least start a new paragraph when someone is talking.
And for the commas, there is more commas in the authors notes (5) than in the story itself (3). You should see what is wrong.
To help, try speaking the text aloud, so you know at least a little bit where to put them.