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5/24/2019 c1 4TheGoose2012
Not a bad start here. I'm a little hesitant on the whole "five-person team" thing, but I'll wait and see if you can make a believable reason for it other than "too many students." If that were the case, I would think making extra teams would be the logical course of action. Will also be interesting to see the struggles such a setup would lead to, such as the limited space in the dorms (already a little snug with four people).

Semblance is an interesting idea, although it begs the question of why she would be primary if she can't fight as well. Obviously, we don't have many specifics yet, so I trust you'll address such things in the chapters to come (I like that it's not just an info dump). Strikes me as a "Touch this mirror and become Neo" type of thing, which raises more questions with Neo's illusions shattering like glass most times. Could this be foreshadowing of them being siblings or something?

One critique, however. At the end, where you have Ozpin and Glynda talking, it's a pretty major shift of perspective with no warning. Makes it seem like Maggy is hearing their exchange, which would be weird considering the cheering audience. Doubt they are broadcasting that part of the conversation over the speakers, so I assume you are shifting the story perspective at the end. Nothing wrong with that, but I recommend putting in some sort of divider. I use something like that a lot in my story to denote any shift in time or perspective within a chapter.

Glad to see a decently promising OC story. As a fellow OC writer, I've been trying to keep my eyes out for any new ones that show potential. Good luck with your story!

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