for Jade Ashikabi10/22/2024 c11 JongFreeces
Your story is dog shit. I made sure to read all the way through before judging, so I can accurately say that it's dogshit. If you ever come back to it, a rewrite would be nice. It's ass.
Just thought I'd let you know.
Your story is dog shit. I made sure to read all the way through before judging, so I can accurately say that it's dogshit. If you ever come back to it, a rewrite would be nice. It's ass.
Just thought I'd let you know.
10/14/2024 c1 Not Sanderson
"Self-beta" is not a thing. Get an editor.
Also, changing Harry's name is a fucking dumb thing to do. He's less "Harry Potter" and more "self-insert OC that gets all the writer's favorite waifus, that has HP seasoning on top".
Identity is important for a character, especially when you're going off the rails of the original story and into a crossover. You're diluting the character identity in a really severe way before the story even picks up by straight up changing his name. You know what they say, names have power.
Why am I even bothering to pretend to care? This story was abandoned two years ago.
"Self-beta" is not a thing. Get an editor.
Also, changing Harry's name is a fucking dumb thing to do. He's less "Harry Potter" and more "self-insert OC that gets all the writer's favorite waifus, that has HP seasoning on top".
Identity is important for a character, especially when you're going off the rails of the original story and into a crossover. You're diluting the character identity in a really severe way before the story even picks up by straight up changing his name. You know what they say, names have power.
Why am I even bothering to pretend to care? This story was abandoned two years ago.
6/26/2024 c1 Guest
This... was bad. The start is just stupidly confusing. I know what the author wanted to go for, but I can't really be bothered to continue reading because it is just all over the place. There is nothing keeping my interest in this edgy fck fest.
This... was bad. The start is just stupidly confusing. I know what the author wanted to go for, but I can't really be bothered to continue reading because it is just all over the place. There is nothing keeping my interest in this edgy fck fest.
6/10/2024 c1 Guest
Why call himself EJ?
Why call himself EJ?
12/2/2022 c3 SHWAT
A nitpick,
She was calling for her onii-san, her big brother if you will.
Was this spoken in English. That would make sense.
But if it is supposed to be Japanese, how do you differentiate between the mention of onii-san and big brother?
What he is saying is basically this- Calling for her big brother, her big brother if you will.
A nitpick,
She was calling for her onii-san, her big brother if you will.
Was this spoken in English. That would make sense.
But if it is supposed to be Japanese, how do you differentiate between the mention of onii-san and big brother?
What he is saying is basically this- Calling for her big brother, her big brother if you will.
11/26/2022 c11 Ariadne Venegas
This pointless why Harry hadn’t even try to save Yume or Akitsu
What he will do about kazeHana and Homura? He must decide now. He really only have one sekirei
And he need all the help in the world because apparently Monarch and Astoria are looking to kill him, and Higa
This pointless why Harry hadn’t even try to save Yume or Akitsu
What he will do about kazeHana and Homura? He must decide now. He really only have one sekirei
And he need all the help in the world because apparently Monarch and Astoria are looking to kill him, and Higa
10/24/2022 c11 Darkepyon
OK man you know I’m trying to enjoy the story but it’s so bloody confusing that it makes absolutely no sense first off at the beginning of the story when he meets most of them at the inn he has his little memory episode and they say OK we’re gonna do a ritual so that he can remember and that is never brought up again all we hear after that point is I wish I could remember I wish I could remember it doesn’t make sense no explanation for why he doesn’t do the ritual.
Then we specifically know that his friend who they’ve had relations with Hana is out there alone all by herself with everyone trying to deal capture all the other Sekirei and what does he do nothing absolutely nothing doesn’t contact her doesn’t say anything to her all Harry Potter has done since the beginning of this story is nothing he doesn’t do anything he just sits around and floats
In this chapter a person who he has a relationship with just walks by acts like she has no recollection of who he is whatsoever and he just ignores it and let her walk off for two other people he has no relationship whatsoever with
OK man you know I’m trying to enjoy the story but it’s so bloody confusing that it makes absolutely no sense first off at the beginning of the story when he meets most of them at the inn he has his little memory episode and they say OK we’re gonna do a ritual so that he can remember and that is never brought up again all we hear after that point is I wish I could remember I wish I could remember it doesn’t make sense no explanation for why he doesn’t do the ritual.
Then we specifically know that his friend who they’ve had relations with Hana is out there alone all by herself with everyone trying to deal capture all the other Sekirei and what does he do nothing absolutely nothing doesn’t contact her doesn’t say anything to her all Harry Potter has done since the beginning of this story is nothing he doesn’t do anything he just sits around and floats
In this chapter a person who he has a relationship with just walks by acts like she has no recollection of who he is whatsoever and he just ignores it and let her walk off for two other people he has no relationship whatsoever with
10/14/2022 c2 Guest
Harry running from someone who clearly knows him and feels she needs him and that he is interested in and to some degree aware he likely does have history with. Why, it’s seems grossly out of character for him to be so eager to abandon her to the mercy of a random guy that got all he knows might be coercing her in some way she’d afraid to get caught exposing
Harry running from someone who clearly knows him and feels she needs him and that he is interested in and to some degree aware he likely does have history with. Why, it’s seems grossly out of character for him to be so eager to abandon her to the mercy of a random guy that got all he knows might be coercing her in some way she’d afraid to get caught exposing
10/16/2022 c2 HughJasz
I've read smut that was less horny than this fic. You have a weird obsession with Lesbian relationships. You mention all the time, seemingly at random, when they're completely unrelated and unnecessary.
Just bad.
I've read smut that was less horny than this fic. You have a weird obsession with Lesbian relationships. You mention all the time, seemingly at random, when they're completely unrelated and unnecessary.
Just bad.
10/13/2022 c11 
3WhiteElfElder
There are more things monitoring the borders than the choppers and armored cars...there are satellites and the DS.
3WhiteElfElderThere are more things monitoring the borders than the choppers and armored cars...there are satellites and the DS.