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7/30/2019 c1 Bill Clinton
:Abortion
7/19/2019 c1 Nameless
Here's constructive criticism: pleeeese don't kill Moon!
6/21/2019 c1 4VillageIdi0t
Since you requested constructive criticism, I'll try my best. However, due to my lack of confidence in my own writing, I can't say any of this will be of use to you. I should also start by stating that I have not read the 3rd Arc yet, so I don't plan on commenting on the lore or story itself muchjust the writing.

Firstly, I think some more detail about Moon's mentality would've been helpful. Specifically, I think this would've been effective when Moon was in front of Queen Wasp. The absence of some sort of debate or apprehension makes it seem like Moon readily agrees to help Queen Wasp. In my opinion, something simply like "Moon was horror-struck by the thought of Queen Wasp using her. She couldn't let this happen. She tried to quickly think of an escape, any escape, but she couldn't." Something like that could've shown desperation and better painted Moon's decision as a last resort instead of an impulsive decision

Secondly, some sentences felt pretty awkward. For instance, the sentence "Moon wanting to be around Nightwings again, tell the truth of what she though happened to her, agreed" feels clunky. While this is quiet nitpicky, I believe rewording or reformating the sentence would be a good choice. Awkward wording can cause readers to pause and stumble on certain parts, which could shake their emersion. I also saw some sentences that felt like they were lacking something, such as "Unable to close her eyes or to act." It feels like a dependent clause that needs either a "She was" before it or a comma and independent clause after it. These issues weren't very prevalent as your writing seems to be pretty precise.

Thirdly, I feel the story ended a little fast. By this I mean I feel it would've been more interesting to have a few scenes where Moon tries to find Queen Wasp by using Wasp's power against her. Without this, it feels like Queen Glory pulled the trigger a little too fast. Not only did she quickly dismiss an opportunity to find Queen Wasp, even though it may have had only a small chance of working, she also quickly kills someone she appears to care about in the 2nd Arc. It feels a little out of character and makes the ending of the story appear a little rushed.

Ultimately, I felt the execution of the idea was very well done. The transitions felt jarring and confusing at first, which is a great thing for a story like this, until the reader realized that this event is still connected to a previous one. Basically, the transitions weren't confusing because they were random or made no sense; they were confusing because the situation itself was a jarring and confusing experience. Additionally, swapping between the actions of the characters being dictated by both Moon and Queen Wasp allowed for the reader the question whether Moon was actually taking over or whether Queen Wasp allowed Moon to think she was. This is a very wise and creative move that makes the reader wonder how much of the story is actually influenced by Moon. All in all, great job! Feel free to PM me for any complains, comments, or clarifications on this.
6/4/2019 c1 27Hippothestrowl
Intriguing idea. Because I don't know this fandom it lacked clarity for me but then it is meant to be mysterious. Maybe more description would help clue in readers to visualise what appears to be happening without spelling it out. In any event, it's fairly obvious there is some mind and body swapping - either real or imaginary. For instance, just after she is stung (and I've made some assumptions here):

Moon heard a thousand voices in her head that weren't her own. It wasn't so strange for her since she always sensed the thoughts of others, but never this many at once. And she was free! She had no idea how - yet she had to seize the opportunity to escape. She struggled into the air, limbs balancing her torso strangely, wings feeling quite alien, and her vision utterly different.

A HiveWing spotted her. "Queen Wasp, what are your orders?"

Astonished, Moon hesitated only for a moment she demanded with as much authority as she could muster.

Also, avoid close repetition of distinctive words and phrases like 'in her head'. It always strengthens fiction by varying those, even if it's just to 'in her mind.'

Hope that helps.

- Hip

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