for The Reluctant Hero9/4/2019 c11 Guest
Goddamnit now when I think of Raven for this story it is some unholy mix of Anna from a world where dirty jokes don't exist e.t.c. But mainly that girl from a clip I saw don't remember what it was called but it was an anime and she was part of a clan that focused on being strong told the guy she was fighting she wants his babies with a massive blush and calls him husband everyone goes into shock and the guy she was fighting run she for his life.
Goddamnit now when I think of Raven for this story it is some unholy mix of Anna from a world where dirty jokes don't exist e.t.c. But mainly that girl from a clip I saw don't remember what it was called but it was an anime and she was part of a clan that focused on being strong told the guy she was fighting she wants his babies with a massive blush and calls him husband everyone goes into shock and the guy she was fighting run she for his life.
8/31/2019 c11 
12Captaindrake123
Okay, I've read through this story a few times, and I gotta say...its...not good. The premise is fine, going back in time and all, and I love the idea of raising Nora and Ren as kids and going to Menagerie...
But there is so many gaping plot holes. The first and foremost being Ozpin himself, how the FUCK is your character keeping him held back? It doesn't make sense, it doesn't matter if you know he's there and he can take over, he's a thousand year old wizard with experience and mental fortitude far beyond your character's comparatively little time living. Oscar had Ozpin in his head for months, and he barely held him back to let Ruby reveal his secret with Jinn-which, your character just blurting out on a whim makes it seem fucking annoying as hell, as if its just tea time and your talking shit about someone. There's no way Ozpin's not gonna do shit, and there's no way your character could resist him like he has unless you wanna add some sort of bullshit rule about his magic protecting him, but I'll get to 'that' later.
Then there's Raven...I thought you said in the summary there are no pairings? But clearly here your using a bullshit 'tradition' just to have Raven go after your character and suck face. Not to mention the utter let down of having the entire team see Raven for the first time in years. Seriously, at least let someone yell at her, or let Tai say 'I'm over you' or 'We'll talk later, there are kids here', at least something, anything! Instead their fucking TEASING her fuck's sake!
No one would do that, no one! Not to the woman who abandoned her child and husband! Not to someone who abandoned their team!
And then your character apparently has magic, but doesn't even really do anything with it at all. I was expecting you to build up some sort of testing chapter to have him go over just what kind of powers he has, figure out for himself how it works without Ozpin. But why? Why does your character have magic if he's not even gonna test it. Make sure he's not a ticking time bomb or something of magic juice.
If I had fucking magic, I'm not gonna wait and see if I don't blow myself up or accidentally shoot a fireball like he made his drink on a whim-seriously, if he didn't even realize it happened until it was in his hand already, what happens if he gets really mad at someone and thinks of blowing them up?
Your character doesn't seem to struggle very much, sure he almost got decapitated, which was interesting, but after that it got really easy for him. Going to Menagerie (place filled with faunus, him being the only human besides Nora and Ren), getting a job (he had one problem with a co-worker, yeah, but it was resolved in a few paragraphs...that's not conflict), and even having a decent relationship with a faunus who clearly hates humans. Why? Because he makes food for her? Because he has kids? At least write a direct conversation of her actually saying this stuff, or write more conversations in general with her. Why is it so easy for him to get around in Menagerie? Even if the White Fang isn't evil yet, there's no way there aren't more people who hate humans.
I'm sorry, I'm ranting aren't I? My point is that this story, to me, is not very good. It seems more suited to be a crack fic-which if that is what your going for, then alright. But I don't think that's what your aiming for, and that's what I'm saying all of this. I just can't read it anymore, too much stuff that just seem bland or doesn't make sense. When I read the 'no-pairing' part of the summary I guess I was expecting it to be more focused on actual plot and such and that's why I'm so annoyed, but that doesn't change that there is a lot to this story that could use improvement.
Sorry if I offended you in any way during this review, and I hope you have a good day.
12Captaindrake123Okay, I've read through this story a few times, and I gotta say...its...not good. The premise is fine, going back in time and all, and I love the idea of raising Nora and Ren as kids and going to Menagerie...
But there is so many gaping plot holes. The first and foremost being Ozpin himself, how the FUCK is your character keeping him held back? It doesn't make sense, it doesn't matter if you know he's there and he can take over, he's a thousand year old wizard with experience and mental fortitude far beyond your character's comparatively little time living. Oscar had Ozpin in his head for months, and he barely held him back to let Ruby reveal his secret with Jinn-which, your character just blurting out on a whim makes it seem fucking annoying as hell, as if its just tea time and your talking shit about someone. There's no way Ozpin's not gonna do shit, and there's no way your character could resist him like he has unless you wanna add some sort of bullshit rule about his magic protecting him, but I'll get to 'that' later.
Then there's Raven...I thought you said in the summary there are no pairings? But clearly here your using a bullshit 'tradition' just to have Raven go after your character and suck face. Not to mention the utter let down of having the entire team see Raven for the first time in years. Seriously, at least let someone yell at her, or let Tai say 'I'm over you' or 'We'll talk later, there are kids here', at least something, anything! Instead their fucking TEASING her fuck's sake!
No one would do that, no one! Not to the woman who abandoned her child and husband! Not to someone who abandoned their team!
And then your character apparently has magic, but doesn't even really do anything with it at all. I was expecting you to build up some sort of testing chapter to have him go over just what kind of powers he has, figure out for himself how it works without Ozpin. But why? Why does your character have magic if he's not even gonna test it. Make sure he's not a ticking time bomb or something of magic juice.
If I had fucking magic, I'm not gonna wait and see if I don't blow myself up or accidentally shoot a fireball like he made his drink on a whim-seriously, if he didn't even realize it happened until it was in his hand already, what happens if he gets really mad at someone and thinks of blowing them up?
Your character doesn't seem to struggle very much, sure he almost got decapitated, which was interesting, but after that it got really easy for him. Going to Menagerie (place filled with faunus, him being the only human besides Nora and Ren), getting a job (he had one problem with a co-worker, yeah, but it was resolved in a few paragraphs...that's not conflict), and even having a decent relationship with a faunus who clearly hates humans. Why? Because he makes food for her? Because he has kids? At least write a direct conversation of her actually saying this stuff, or write more conversations in general with her. Why is it so easy for him to get around in Menagerie? Even if the White Fang isn't evil yet, there's no way there aren't more people who hate humans.
I'm sorry, I'm ranting aren't I? My point is that this story, to me, is not very good. It seems more suited to be a crack fic-which if that is what your going for, then alright. But I don't think that's what your aiming for, and that's what I'm saying all of this. I just can't read it anymore, too much stuff that just seem bland or doesn't make sense. When I read the 'no-pairing' part of the summary I guess I was expecting it to be more focused on actual plot and such and that's why I'm so annoyed, but that doesn't change that there is a lot to this story that could use improvement.
Sorry if I offended you in any way during this review, and I hope you have a good day.
8/28/2019 c11 Guest
“So how did you and Mom meet?”
Oh, she jumped on the truck I was driving and tried to decapitate me. So I shot her in the face with a shotgun
“So how did you and Mom meet?”
Oh, she jumped on the truck I was driving and tried to decapitate me. So I shot her in the face with a shotgun
8/27/2019 c11 This Dude
Wait did Sienna just listen to the whole conversation and didn't give a flying fuck about how there is magic, 2 REAL gods, a secret war going on and all other MOAB truth bombs?
Wait did Sienna just listen to the whole conversation and didn't give a flying fuck about how there is magic, 2 REAL gods, a secret war going on and all other MOAB truth bombs?
8/27/2019 c11 2Thomas Knightshade
I think I understand Raven staking her claim, with the whole "the strong rule" sort of deal but more explanation would be nice. I wonder how STRQ would react if we said their world is fiction, poorly unless proof is presented. And the pairings would be interesting to see with a yandere Raven and tsundere Sienna after MC. And Ozma will be... intrigued with our arrival when Qrow inevitably reports back. Keep up the good work and I will see you in the next chapter.
2Thomas KnightshadeI think I understand Raven staking her claim, with the whole "the strong rule" sort of deal but more explanation would be nice. I wonder how STRQ would react if we said their world is fiction, poorly unless proof is presented. And the pairings would be interesting to see with a yandere Raven and tsundere Sienna after MC. And Ozma will be... intrigued with our arrival when Qrow inevitably reports back. Keep up the good work and I will see you in the next chapter.
8/15/2019 c10 Thomas Knightshade
So Ilia is a mini prodigy in the making. If she can get her parents out of the mines with the funds she makes, she can become one of the "good" guys. And Raven should have a chance to explain herself that Ozma wanted her as a useful pawn and have an internal conflict with Oz in our head.
So Ilia is a mini prodigy in the making. If she can get her parents out of the mines with the funds she makes, she can become one of the "good" guys. And Raven should have a chance to explain herself that Ozma wanted her as a useful pawn and have an internal conflict with Oz in our head.
8/13/2019 c10 2merendinoemiliano
Hilarious job. Trough i don't think Raven was meant to be humanized, not yet at least.
2merendinoemilianoHilarious job. Trough i don't think Raven was meant to be humanized, not yet at least.
8/4/2019 c9 Logist
Ok, it looks more or less well right now. Hard to tell anything more. SI-type fics are usually something hard to make descent but for now you seem to avoid most of cliches - which is good.
Ok, it looks more or less well right now. Hard to tell anything more. SI-type fics are usually something hard to make descent but for now you seem to avoid most of cliches - which is good.