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for Hell Hath No Fury

10/28/2019 c1 15Halfcent
I sort of like the open ending, leaving the readers to decide who found Face first. I'm thinking it was probably the team since it was 'rescuers'...not only plural (as the team would likely come together) but even if it was Decker and his men Face might have been less glad to see them.

I can't find too much sympathy for Face in this one lol. It would have been mortifying for a man to do that to any woman. Given that he wasn't being hurt, I fully feel that the consequences fit the crime. At least she gave him a chance of being found by his friends instead of the MP (although that might have been the worse scenario, humiliation-wise).

Plus, how dumb do you have to be to go back to the SAME PLACE more than once to find a one night stand or a quick fling? He's bound to bump into some of the same women he'd encountered and deserted before. Not all of them would be okay with his love 'em and leave 'em mentality, I think.

Great story. I look forward to reading the others as soon as I can.
8/8/2019 c1 ZadArchie
I found this story to be rather humorous, and that was indeed, the point of the story. Face is a very clear character that fits the typical womanizer archetype, who has found himself the mouse caught in the trap. While I never watched the show this story is from, I do at least have a general working knowledge of it, so I was surprised when the mysterious enemy turned out to not be after him for any kind of reason that typically fits the bill for this show. Rather it was a woman scorned, and truly, some may even consider that worse. Even more impressive was how Face didn’t let this setback get him down. He seems to be quite the cool customer regarding any situation. Overall, this was a thoroughly enjoyable story. Great work!

Best,
Zad
7/4/2019 c1 4CrystalRei
Hi Ruger; here from the challenge. :) I'm typing commentary up as I go, so sorry if this review feels disjointed. Everything came out as bullet points and I'm not sure how to get it into paragraph form. :P

First, commentary from the general reading experience:

/Threatening to blow someone's head off with a .357 Magnum never is,/ - Not if you want an actual conversation at least lol.
/even if the whereabouts of said gun are currently unknown./ - Arguably that's even worse. Exactly how did the POV character think that was going to work?

You got my attention though, so that was an effective opening. :)

Your first reference to the POV character is "He" (end of the first paragraph) and it comes off really strange to me. It doesn't feel intentional - like I know some stories clearly keep the identity of the narrator/POV hidden throughout the fic, but this clearly isn't one of those stories. I'm wondering less who 'he' is and more "why didn't the author just use his name?"

The thought regarding being tied up and blindfolded being enough seems unecessary. Maybe it's the repetition? I think it would read better if, for instance, "tied up and blindfolded" was replaced with "the first two".

/His escape instinct activated/ - makes Face sound like a robot. If it were me I would at least ditch "activated" and possibly change the reference to "fight or flight" rather than "escape instinct". Something like "Fight or flight finally kicked in". Rewording around a change like "instinctively tried to escape" would work too. Also, I think there either needs to be an "and" after the comma, or the comma needs to be changed out for a semicolon. I'm not 100% sure on that though so take it with a grain of salt.

/An ice cube dropped down his back would have been less jarring/ - I like this comparison. :)

/Face tried to downplay that event./ - Feels like you're over-explaining here, because I read this and basically thought 'well duh'. I suggest moving the sentence about him worrying about plan B down to the paragraph with his dialogue and delete the sentence I quoted since it's completely unnecessary.

Good ending; I really like the full circle nature, although I think there could have been a more direct tie to the opening. Something referencing the .357 Magnum threat, for instance. I find myself curious as to who it was that rescued him. Since Face isn't freaking out I'm going to assume it wasn't Decker or any of the team members that would give him hell for the whole scenario. It was still a satisfying resolution in any case.

Overall a pretty good read. You conveyed it as an amusing scenario in an almost sitcom-esque way (I just know there's a better word for that, but basically it's not funny in the moment for the characters but it is to the audience, and suggests it would be amusing in hindsight in-universe), and I think that was exactly the right tone for the story.

-

More technical SPaG stuff that jumped out at me:

/Face began to understand; Hell hath no fury/ - I can't decide if 'Hell' should be capitalized like that. My first instinct is 'no' but since the phrase uses it as an actual place with a proper name I can see why you'd do it. But because it's a colloquial phrase it reads really oddly when put in the middle of the sentence, like there should be quotes around it (and even then I don't think you'd capitalize any other phrase that way).

Could always cut the knot and split it into two sentences. ;)

/a Sheriff and three Deputies/ - 90% sure 'sheriff' and 'deputies' don't need to be capitalized, since the titles are used in the generic sense and not in reference to specific people. I always get tripped up on this one so this is something else you'll want to double-check with Google.

I also noticed around this point you're using two different forms of emphasis when someone is shouting and/or really stressing the word. You seem mostly consistent between characters (bold for Face and all caps for Madeline), but personally I would pick one and stick with it.

-

On a closing note: I'm fandom-blind but it didn't take much to get the hang of what was going on. Face has a very recognizable character type and I think that helped a lot, so good choice there. Best of luck with the competition!
6/30/2019 c1 133rebecca-in-blue
Hi there, here from the Random Opener Challenge and fandom-blind, although I don't think that was a hindrance here. This is such a fun, accessible read, and it almost felt like original fiction to me. I think you make great use of the opening line in how you use the next sentences (threatening to blow someone's head off, cursing) to tell us what it was. The ending of that paragraph reveals Face in a pretty dangerous situation, but it still has a lot of humor to it, and you do a good job at maintaining that mix of humor and suspense throughout the story.

I love the way his smelling the perfume leads Face back to last night with Vanessa; you've written the progression of his thoughts there in a very natural, sleuthy way. And the reveal of Madeleine getting her revenge is pretty fun. "Hell hath no fury," indeed. It seems like Face has gotten a good taste of his own medicine in this fic, and I enjoyed having some laughs at his expense. Best of luck in the contest!
6/29/2019 c1 45Igenlode Wordsmith
Igenlode here from Writers Anonymous; thanks to Bella I'm not so fandom-blind as I might be!

No, threatening to blow someone's head off probably isn't a good start to a conversation... but the .45 calibre seems oddly specific here. I mean, is Face literally saying "I'm going to blow your head off with this particular gun" as opposed to just "I'm going to blow your head off as soon as I get my hands free" or similar?
(In fact we later discover that he is naked, so he evidently doesn't have a .45 to hand to threaten anyone with - is that his trademark weapon?)

I didn't get "God's country in the morning" either (especially as the heading says that he still is in fact somewhere near L.A.) but I'm assuming that's a colloquial expression I don't know: "out of doors" perhaps?

I wonder if the fact that he can't see anything possibly ought to come slightly nearer the start, since that's presumably the first thing he notices - and the reason why he describes himself as being "in a rocking conveyance" rather than in an identifiable vehicle, for instance. (No, because a few sentences later we learn that he apparently knows that he's on a boat; it seems a bit awkward to obfuscate information from the reader when it's something the viewpoint character is already aware of.)

"naked, tied up *and* blindfolded?!" I mean, wouldn't tied up and blindfolded be enough? - in that case, wouldn't Face be putting the emphasis on the 'naked' rather than on the 'blindfolded', e.g. "tied up, blindfolded, *and* naked?"

"Whoever you are, you tell Colonel Decker this is completely inappropriate!" - hah, yes, definitely not in the military rulebook ;-p

"He struggled to no avail, trying to twist his double-jointed hands and wrists out of his bonds. /My reputation is going to be toast if the guys find me defeated by some amateur's ropes/" - a neat way of conveying information about Face's talents here without seeming like an info-dump for the fandom-blind.
(Although the reference to an 'amateur' seems at odds with his previous assumption that it was Decker who'd ordered this to be done to him?)

So Face stakes out expensive wine shops looking for classy dates; good tactics ;-p
And I'm amused at his sense of priorities; high-quality dinner is important while the conversation merely has to be good enough...

/Not Vanessa but Vanessa's friend? So maybe Decker isn't involved/ - I didn't follow this. Does he have reason to think that Vanessa *is* working for Decker? (Other than, well, his being tied up etc...) And if so, how can he be so confident that her friend isn't?

This boat is clearly a bit bigger than I was visualising if there is room for the unknown woman to come up beside him without touching any part other than his ear-lobe; I was picturing a sort of rowing-dinghy arrangement, but she'd be practically crawling over him if that were the case. (Also, the boat would be rocking wildly!)

Face shuddered, unsure if from fear or desire - I'm not sure about the 'if' here. I don't think it's grammatically wrong, but it looks awkward; at first glance it made me assume a few words were missing. Maybe 'unsure whether', in this context?

I don't know if the spectacle of Face receiving the attentions of an attractive female who won't take No for an answer is the sort of thing that happens all the time in canon or a case of role-reversal, but it's entertaining anyway, as is the concept "If you're going to be doing that, I should at least have a name" ;-p
And I like the idea of his mentally christening her Gertrude in an attempt to reduce her appeal...

"An ice cube dropped down his back would be less jarring" - I'm not sure about the tense here. My mind wants to make it "would have been less jarring" because the event was sudden and is now over - "would be less" sounds inappropriately 'present-tense' to me (in the context of a surrounding past-tense narrative).

Of course, he remembered - I don't *think* you want a comma in here (unless he is literally verbalising 'Of course', which is how it reads at present). If it's in the sense of "Naturally he remembered" then it doesn't need one.

Aha, Face has been repeating the same routine with all his conquests. Careless to let them get wind of each other... and, as he points out, it's a very bad idea for a man who is supposed to be on the run to get too predictable!

When a 'business associate' mentioned the cabin would be vacant-well, waste not, want not - punctuation note: you do need to differentiate somehow between asterisks and dashes (otherwise we end up talking about a vacant-well).

I don't know what the Los Angeles climate is like, but isn't Face starting to get a bit *cold* by this point out on the water with no clothes on? Or is he completely distracted by more immediate concerns...?

"Only his infamous charm could save him. Before Face made a sound, she ripped off the blindfold" - this transition felt a bit strange, I think because of the sudden change from deep immersion in the reported thoughts of the protagonist to action taken by an unnamed other. Obviously there is only one 'she' in the scene so it must be Madeline, but somehow the eye expects the subject of that sentence to be the one who was thinking the previous part of the paragraph (i.e. Face), and the switch is jarring.
Maybe something like "But before Face could make a sound [i.e. he is about to deploy his 'infamous charm'], she had ripped off his blindfold"?

"Propped against some life preservers, he saw the lake" - this sounds to me as if the *lake* is propped up against the lifebelts :-(

"Not everything YOU hoped it would be?" She hissed incredulously - typo (it shouldn't be a capital on 'She')

Ah. So apparently when he said the weekend didn't go swimmingly, there was a little more than a failed personal relationship involved :-D
I assumed this was about resentment when two of his interchangeable pick-ups happen to know each other, but evidently Madeline has some very specific grievances... (And yes, that would explain the 'naked in a boat' scenario.)

I like the way Face is busy admiring the shade of purple on the girl's complexion as she gets angry ;-p

"And," she continued, "I am also going to leave a message for your friend Murdock at the VA hospital. I certainly hope he's in his room," Madeline said mischievously. "I wonder who will find you first?" she chortled - it looks really odd to me to have *three* dialogue tags in the same paragraph :-( I feel it needs to be rearranged a bit - I'd probably split it into two paragraphs simply for formatting purposes.

"And," she continued, "I am also going to leave a message for your friend Murdock at the VA hospital. I certainly hope he's in his room."

Madeline chortled mischievously. "I wonder who will find you first?"

"Face had pulled the sympathy card, that his poor friend was in the psych ward at the VA hospital" - a neat explanation of how Madeline knows to get in touch with the rest of the team. The 'on the run' bit she presumably worked out from the attentions of the Sheriff and three deputies ;-D
(Either that, or Face has been really careless about what he tells his girlfriends...)

He's so completely confident about escape that he regards being captured by Decker just as a way to get some spare clothes before his friends turn up ;-p
Let's hope for the Faceman's sake that Madeline didn't take any compromising photos earlier on before he woke up :-D

"She flipped over on her back, waved to him, then began doing the breaststroke
towards the shore" - breaststroke on her *back*?

I take it Madeline is in a bikini, since she is swimming and Face is admiring her body - I was a bit surprised when she suddenly jumped into the water fully clad! Normally I find descriptions of characters' clothing obtrusive, but here I think it might be worth a mention...

It also occurs to me to wonder whether the boat is actually moored or if she has left it to drift around, but I'm guessing that the 'hook' (probably a ringbolt) in the bows of the boat probably has a rope attached to it with an anchor or a mudweight on the bottom of the lake.

I'm assuming it's intentional that we are not told at the end of the story who does come to the rescue (at a guess, I'd say it's probably the rest of the team, since Face seems happy to see them), but personally I always find that rather frustrating as an authorial device :-(
Looking at it, I think the story might actually be more effective if you used the peaceful conclusion of the previous paragraph as the ending ("The rocking of the boat lulled him to sleep"); the existing finale seems a bit awkward, whereas the twist into acceptance has a nice rhythm and structure to it and would make a good tail-piece to the story.

As for 'rules' about passive verbs, adverbs, etc, I think you can take those with a pinch of salt: there is no 'good' style that will get you approved of, and attempting to apply that sort of recommendation literally is pretty much guaranteed to ruin anyone's work. You just don't want to repeat the same writing tics too often, that's all (e.g. applying adverbs to *every* action, or constructing all your sentences backwards with the passive subject coming last).
6/26/2019 c1 80peppe1951
This was cute...it was bound to happen where Face would get his just rewards at the hands of a date. I hope the other chapters will be as good. I wonder if Face got a sunburn waiting for the Team to rescue him.
6/14/2019 c1 3ArthurSG
Opening: So the first paragraph didn't really catch much interest and almost seemed out of context. but the second paragraph made the first completely relevant, made me want to know HOW face got into that situation and was kind of funny too.

Ending: The ending was pretty good. Face seeing the glass half full and finding a way to take advantage of the situation was pretty funny.

Dialogue: The dialogue was pretty good you can easily tell when Face as angry, frustrated, and desperate. The same goes for Madeline and her Scorn was definitely present in how she spoke.

Characters: Face was very much in character the whole time, so good job there. As for Madeline you were able to develop a really good vengeful character.

Enjoyment: So this one was pretty good. earned a good laugh when it dawned on him that this was the doing of some woman he meant the night before. I kind of thought that Face would have tried to watch her shim away and admire her figure from affair.
6/12/2019 c1 32LAGC
Very entertaining and completely a situation that Face could work himself into.
Hannibal was always warning him.
6/11/2019 c1 18dtill359
Saw your post for the Random Opener Challenge, so I figured I’d stop by.
Okay, on to the review:

1. Filter words: Felt, heard, saw, etc. are called filter words. They pull the reader out of the character’s POV and put distance between the reader and the story. We’ve got some instances of that in the piece. Here are a few:

- Example: Finally, he heard a female snicker nearby.
- Adjustment to avoid filtering: A woman snickered nearby.

- Example: "Maddy," he started, then saw her sharp glare.
- Adjustment: “Maddy,” he started. She glared.

- Example: He was propped up slightly on some life preservers so he could see water.
- Adjustment: He was propped against some life preservers. Water surrounded them.

- Why this works: Think of your POV character as a camera. We, the readers, look at the story through him – our lens. If he describes something, we know he saw – or in the case of half of this piece, heard it. Most characters don’t describe things they can’t see (or hear), unless you’ve made it clear they’re imagining said thing or have an ability that lets them see via means other than natural eyesight – which I don’t think is a thing in A-Team.

2. SPAG: There were several grammatical and/or spelling errors in this chapter.

- Example: Fighting his brain's intermitted haze
- Should be: Fighting his brain’s intermittent haze

- Example: Face's combat -honed senses
- Should be: Face’s combat-honed senses

- Example: Vanessa!He was pulled out of his reverie and struggled to frantically to remember exactly what happened.
- Should be: Vanessa! He was pulled out of his reverie and struggled frantically to remember exactly what happened.

3. Adverbs: As with everything, there’s a time and place for adverbs, but be careful not to lean on them in place of solid verbs. Right now, there are fifty-two adverbs in this piece, forty-four of which are -ly adverbs. With some adjustment, that number could wane to less than twenty – or even lower than that.

- Example: The adverb “actually” appears twice. Both instances could be cut to streamline the sentence without affecting clarity. The same goes for the single instance of “finally.”

- Example: "Oh yeah, AND on a boat!" he added belatedly.
- Adjustment: “Oh yeah, AND on a boat!” he added.

- Example: He tried to make it sound like she was the most important woman in the world, and that the weekend had gone swimmingly.
- Adjustment: He tried to make it sound like she was the most important woman in the world, and that the weekend he spent with her was perfect.

- Why does this work? As writers, we can drift into “on-the-nose writing.” That’s when what’s written mirrors real life. While that’s great for instructional writing and technical manuals, it steals fiction’s ability to transport. Give the reader enough to lay the foundation. Tell them what’s important. The rest, they can fill in for themselves. Most people can read with decent comprehension. If the writer tells them the phone rang, and then starts into the conversation, most will understand that the character retrieved the phone, saw who was calling (in the case of caller ID), and answered it. No need to say all that.

4. Repetition:
- Forms of “was” appear forty-four times in this piece. Spice up those verbs; that’ll cut out quite a few of those instances. And avoid bloaty content, that will decrease instances of “was” too.

- Example: He had already determined escaping on his own was not possible, given the iron clad knots.
- Adjustment: He had already determined escape impossible, given the tight knots.
- Example: a card that was now paying off in spades
- Adjustment: a card now paying off in spades

- There’s another, subtler form of repetition. That’s when a character is shown doing something, and then an explanation of what they just did is afforded.

- Example: Okay, back on track. His mind was becoming more focused.
- Adjustment. Choose one sentence or the other. Show Face’s thought or state his determination to refocus. To keep both in unnecessary.

- Example: "Oh yeah, AND on a boat!" he added belatedly.
- Adjustment: “Oh yeah, AND on a boat!” he added.

5. “ing” Verbs: As with adverbs, use these sparingly. While they’re tempting, they can get clunky. Try not to use too many close together, or, if you can help it, try not to use them to start sentences.

- Example: Fighting his brain's intermitted haze,
- Adjustment: Face fought his brain’s intermittent haze.

6. Clichés: The familiar has a ring of comfort to it. Beware that sense of comfort. Clichés will suck the originality out of a piece. Instead of using a cliché, invent something new. Right now, there are (by my count) at least ten clichés in this piece.

- Example: Normally he loved a woman's smile, except when they looked like they ate the canary.
- “Ate the canary” is a cliché. Find another way to express Madeline’s smugness.

7. General thoughts:

- Oh goodness. Face sure did get himself into a doozy this time…

- When using all-capped words for emphasis, be careful not to overuse them. I felt like they could have been confined to one usage instead of the five or six instances in the piece.

- Be careful to paragraph correctly. Keep Face’s thoughts and Madeline’s actions separate so as to avoid confusion about who’s doing what.

- Those last two sentences… I just feel like there might be a better way to wrap it up. Can’t pinpoint the reason, but it just feels off.

- At first, I was worried Face was going to end swimmin’ with the fishes. The tone at the beginning of the story seems very heavy and serious, but it lightens up throughout the piece. By the end, it’s noticeably lighter.

Good luck in the contest, and happy writing.

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