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for Hunger games: district 3 boy(book one)

8/5 c1 3Ellie Madison Graham
Oh! Well, I didn’t mean for the topics to sound like a joke. I HATE it when people joke about things like that. I will start fixing it, so if you’re not angry, you can check for updates. See, I don’t get to look up things like that, so I can’t do research. I have very strict parents, so I’m still unsure on how to write about things like this. I am going to start fixing today, but the updates won’t be ready for a while.
8/3 c1 Amanda Richards
Hello Ellie!
This is what I'd call "a great plan but a failed execution." aka. You had a good idea, but the way you wrote this story just made it plummet (apologies if I sound astonishing!)

First of all, this fanfiction would be fantastic if it was put into chapters! You could easily see where one thing ends and the next one begins. And the sentences need to be longer, not all just short and choppy. You need to use a variety of sentence types.

Secondly, you need to use synonyms. Instead of just "begin to cry" what about "I feel the hot stream of tears running down my red cheeks". It's not repetitive and it really makes the story more appealing.

Thirdly, Ivy looks like a psychopath, not a girl who is suffering from mental illnesses. It appears as if you are changing her character from a timid, young girl to a vicious, killing machine with no development between.

And why does she suddenly get PTSD from seeing her sister die? And why would her parents die too? You could get PTSD from seeing a close-ones death, but not like how Ivy gets it. It's easy to see that you are using Katniss' PTSD as an inspiration, but Katniss went through ALOT.

Fourthly, you are using mental illnesses, violence, gore and upsetting themes. This fanfictions' rating should not be put as K (9), but instead T (13). A nine-year-old should not be reading about this stuff!
On the topic of mental illnesses, you need to tone down with it. Noah should not have depression and anxiety out of nowhere just because he got reaped. You don't see Katniss getting depression. And you are treating the topics as if they are a joke! They are not EVER to be mistreated this much because someone can take it very personally or a kid (which actually could stray upon this as the rating is K) could see Noah as a cry-baby and think of using depression as an insult.

Fifthly, your grammar and sense of past/present tense. Your grammar needs to be rechecked as it has many mistakes. Please use a grammar site to make sure you don't make your story atrocious to the eye.
And your past/present tense; you need to recheck it. It's very confusing.

Please take ALL of my advice. I am very experienced with writing (if I do say myself) and this looks very unpleasant and if it were a draft. I hope to see your author skills excelling,

A.R
7/18 c1 Teamleo638
That was so good! I loved it!
6/21 c1 2IIJamesII
Wow I love it! I am new think you can enter my SYOT the form is on my profile! If you can I would be so happy!
6/18 c1 3Ellie Madison Graham
Yea. I’m going to be fixing it up after I’m finished. I’m going to add a few more things, delete a few things, fix spelling/grammar, etc.
6/18 c1 12MangoSmoothie6
It's good, but you should separate it into different chapters.

And you aren't really displaying PTSD. And depression isn't something you get instantly. It develops over time. Trust me, I know from family experiences. You should research more about the mental illnesses you are writing about.

Please take the advice from the wiki. It's from a person (tries hard not to brag) that gets A's for story writing.

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