for Harry Potter and the Friend with Benefits9/6 c110 
1bleachorange
Posting this here as I already posted for 111.
A review of the story so far:
The tendency of this story to temporally displace scenes with no warning kind of threw me off at times (things like starting a scene at one point in time, and then going to a flashback or forward with no formatting or prose cues).That, in conjunction with some run-on sentences (that I have to read several times and break up into individual sentences to properly absorb) has caused me no small amount of hassle in running back and making sure I am understanding what is happening.
I will say in general that while the author here does a good job of describing most scenes well, I do prefer a less detail oriented prose - something a bit more efficient in communicating the same thing with less words. Just a personal preference.
There are not a small number of points in the story where it looks like events were revised or forgotten in between chapters (sometimes within a chapter) and this has created continuity errors. A couple of examples would be the pregnancy that wasnt, and then was again but later and the DMLE head that died and then was silently unkilled, both off-screen, so to speak (as she continued to show up after her death). These are some of the major examples, but small issues like this persist in the whole story.
The lemon scenes are overall good, but not always of a consistent quality.
The timeline in the story is a bit fungible as it does progress time, but not consistently - there can be thousands and thousands of words written across a few weeks and then a jump to a much later date. Or there can be no mention of dates at all, but just sort of talking about the next thing and all of a sudden what was a couple weeks after xmas break is now getting on the train in may/june.
Overall, I would rate the story positively, but almost all the issues coupd be cleaned up with another draft/revision for consistency and approach. It definitely has a few times that things were introduced into the story only to be dropped unceremoniously. Anyway, I hope the feedback helps for future writing.
1bleachorangePosting this here as I already posted for 111.
A review of the story so far:
The tendency of this story to temporally displace scenes with no warning kind of threw me off at times (things like starting a scene at one point in time, and then going to a flashback or forward with no formatting or prose cues).That, in conjunction with some run-on sentences (that I have to read several times and break up into individual sentences to properly absorb) has caused me no small amount of hassle in running back and making sure I am understanding what is happening.
I will say in general that while the author here does a good job of describing most scenes well, I do prefer a less detail oriented prose - something a bit more efficient in communicating the same thing with less words. Just a personal preference.
There are not a small number of points in the story where it looks like events were revised or forgotten in between chapters (sometimes within a chapter) and this has created continuity errors. A couple of examples would be the pregnancy that wasnt, and then was again but later and the DMLE head that died and then was silently unkilled, both off-screen, so to speak (as she continued to show up after her death). These are some of the major examples, but small issues like this persist in the whole story.
The lemon scenes are overall good, but not always of a consistent quality.
The timeline in the story is a bit fungible as it does progress time, but not consistently - there can be thousands and thousands of words written across a few weeks and then a jump to a much later date. Or there can be no mention of dates at all, but just sort of talking about the next thing and all of a sudden what was a couple weeks after xmas break is now getting on the train in may/june.
Overall, I would rate the story positively, but almost all the issues coupd be cleaned up with another draft/revision for consistency and approach. It definitely has a few times that things were introduced into the story only to be dropped unceremoniously. Anyway, I hope the feedback helps for future writing.
9/6 c111 bleachorange
Out of all the strange ways this story has gone, alternate timelines and realities is the one that might make me drop it. Ive read stories with those before, but usually they are intrinsic to the tale, introduced early on. I just dont give a damn about characters popping in from other realities - and in my opinion it cheapens the storytelling thats already happened.
So I will either skip those parts of the story, or if I cannot follow the story without it, I will end up dropping it. This is kind of a red line for me in storytelling, along with time fuckery. Once you start introducing things that fuck with causality, all drama and tension is gone for me, just replaced with a sense of cheap plot armor or railroading.
Out of all the strange ways this story has gone, alternate timelines and realities is the one that might make me drop it. Ive read stories with those before, but usually they are intrinsic to the tale, introduced early on. I just dont give a damn about characters popping in from other realities - and in my opinion it cheapens the storytelling thats already happened.
So I will either skip those parts of the story, or if I cannot follow the story without it, I will end up dropping it. This is kind of a red line for me in storytelling, along with time fuckery. Once you start introducing things that fuck with causality, all drama and tension is gone for me, just replaced with a sense of cheap plot armor or railroading.
9/6 c98 bleachorange
I want to point out emma was supposed to be pregnant when she and harry did the deed in the summer after his fifth year. Its been at least 10 months since then. So you probably want to go back and retcon that so she wasnt with child at that time.l
I want to point out emma was supposed to be pregnant when she and harry did the deed in the summer after his fifth year. Its been at least 10 months since then. So you probably want to go back and retcon that so she wasnt with child at that time.l
9/5 c88 bleachorange
Ch 87 definitely acts like Madam Bones is alive, when in earlier chapters she is dead. Deffo a continuity error, and needs some kind of change to fix, one way or the other.
Ch 87 definitely acts like Madam Bones is alive, when in earlier chapters she is dead. Deffo a continuity error, and needs some kind of change to fix, one way or the other.
9/5 c87 bleachorange
Im only partway through the chapter, but last we saw our dashing hero harry (end of last chapter), he was taking lilith along with ron to his rooms to get started on fixing her up. Was there a time jump? It doesnt seem like that much timr went by, judging from lavender and the patils just getting to the (great hall?) spot where everyone is meeting up. Harry is just chillin there with sirius and gang and answering questions and whatnot.
Im just getting another sense of temporal ? going on here, is all.
Im only partway through the chapter, but last we saw our dashing hero harry (end of last chapter), he was taking lilith along with ron to his rooms to get started on fixing her up. Was there a time jump? It doesnt seem like that much timr went by, judging from lavender and the patils just getting to the (great hall?) spot where everyone is meeting up. Harry is just chillin there with sirius and gang and answering questions and whatnot.
Im just getting another sense of temporal ? going on here, is all.
9/5 c86 bleachorange
Why are Luna and Hermione checking the room of requirement for the diadem when Luna saw the Vampire leave with it? She even recognized it. I guess I just dont understand.
Why are Luna and Hermione checking the room of requirement for the diadem when Luna saw the Vampire leave with it? She even recognized it. I guess I just dont understand.
9/5 c81 bleachorange
Hmm. I guess I just have a personal dislike of long slow motion segments, even if theyre used appropriately to allow for more detailed exposition in high speed events or to simulate the effects of adrenaline. Especially as the action picks up, I feel like like the efficiency of the prose to pick up as well. I want to know what happens next, and the slow pace of the exposition (even when detailing events) causes me to speed read to get to the next bit and then I sometimes have to go back and fully absorb a detail.
Its a me problem, but there you go.
Hmm. I guess I just have a personal dislike of long slow motion segments, even if theyre used appropriately to allow for more detailed exposition in high speed events or to simulate the effects of adrenaline. Especially as the action picks up, I feel like like the efficiency of the prose to pick up as well. I want to know what happens next, and the slow pace of the exposition (even when detailing events) causes me to speed read to get to the next bit and then I sometimes have to go back and fully absorb a detail.
Its a me problem, but there you go.
9/5 c80 bleachorange
I do have to say the chamber reveal here is a bit odd. Dumbledore strongly suspected the chamber since early in xmas vacation and seemingly completely forgot all about it when the life of a girl was potentially at stake. Not like him at all. I half expected him to summon harry that same day.
Instead, here we are well into the second term and he is acting all surprised and shit. I can understand a 16 year old getting distracted by a bunch of sex and other things going on and not checking the chamber despite planning to use it himself, but this all feels rather contrived at this point. Insofar as the chamber plotline went.
I do have to say the chamber reveal here is a bit odd. Dumbledore strongly suspected the chamber since early in xmas vacation and seemingly completely forgot all about it when the life of a girl was potentially at stake. Not like him at all. I half expected him to summon harry that same day.
Instead, here we are well into the second term and he is acting all surprised and shit. I can understand a 16 year old getting distracted by a bunch of sex and other things going on and not checking the chamber despite planning to use it himself, but this all feels rather contrived at this point. Insofar as the chamber plotline went.
9/5 c72 bleachorange
"Harry led the way since he was already standing to address the group. So far, everyone except Tracey had actually seen the room already, but the petite Slytherin didn't so much as raise an eyebrow as she glanced around dispassionately."
Tracy has seen the room already. - just a note for revision.
"Harry led the way since he was already standing to address the group. So far, everyone except Tracey had actually seen the room already, but the petite Slytherin didn't so much as raise an eyebrow as she glanced around dispassionately."
Tracy has seen the room already. - just a note for revision.
9/4 c59 bleachorange
I have to say, I find it quite annoying how very often in this fic the author writes dialogue, or rules, or events, and then immediately forgets about that and does or says the opposite as if it always was that way. I literally just got done with a few paragraphs where harry agrees to take pansy to one of slughorns parties, and then turns around and acts like he needs a date and then asks luna - a few paragraphs later!
Ultimately, I just end up going with the retcon but I just had to call it out when its this egregious, especially after all the other times. It feels like a story edit was made, but no proofreading happened. I would ask that it does, but Im very out of date on the story so I will just suck it up after my griping is done.
I have to say, I find it quite annoying how very often in this fic the author writes dialogue, or rules, or events, and then immediately forgets about that and does or says the opposite as if it always was that way. I literally just got done with a few paragraphs where harry agrees to take pansy to one of slughorns parties, and then turns around and acts like he needs a date and then asks luna - a few paragraphs later!
Ultimately, I just end up going with the retcon but I just had to call it out when its this egregious, especially after all the other times. It feels like a story edit was made, but no proofreading happened. I would ask that it does, but Im very out of date on the story so I will just suck it up after my griping is done.
7/9 c83 winniesm
For all your minute descriptions during the sex parts, you're horrible writing action scenes.
For all your minute descriptions during the sex parts, you're horrible writing action scenes.
6/15 c111 red demon161
Nice. I liked Harry's introspection here. I like the part when Harry spit out his tea when he opened his paper. I'm looking forward to the start of the next series. Hopefully it'll be more debauchery. :)
Nice. I liked Harry's introspection here. I like the part when Harry spit out his tea when he opened his paper. I'm looking forward to the start of the next series. Hopefully it'll be more debauchery. :)
6/15 c111 iiiNeo
Harry was rather blaise about that. Sure he said he was terrified but that's about it. Nothing else. Literally nothing. Some random came with the power to usurp his bond and destroy everything's he's built and he's just speculates about it and shrugs?
I understand this is mainly a horny story but I expected a bit more than that for the finale... Actual emotion...
Seems to be something you focus more than 500 words on.
Harry was rather blaise about that. Sure he said he was terrified but that's about it. Nothing else. Literally nothing. Some random came with the power to usurp his bond and destroy everything's he's built and he's just speculates about it and shrugs?
I understand this is mainly a horny story but I expected a bit more than that for the finale... Actual emotion...
Seems to be something you focus more than 500 words on.
6/8 c110 red demon161
I'm assuming Harry and Iris changed places. On a another note mating press for the win. :)
I'm assuming Harry and Iris changed places. On a another note mating press for the win. :)