for Harry Black Book 1: The Hero Returns1/14/2022 c1 Guest
Good start to the story. This is a keeper. I hope you finish it. And yes, you are dealing with the first big choice - does Sirius go after The rat or save Harry. Good work.
Melunid
Good start to the story. This is a keeper. I hope you finish it. And yes, you are dealing with the first big choice - does Sirius go after The rat or save Harry. Good work.
Melunid
11/20/2021 c3 Sheelahdog
I love this story. This chapter though,, as I read it for the second time, still bothers me. There is no reason for Andi to tell the secret to Dumbledore. If she felt he and Sirius needed to talk she could have set up something at a neutral location.
I love this story. This chapter though,, as I read it for the second time, still bothers me. There is no reason for Andi to tell the secret to Dumbledore. If she felt he and Sirius needed to talk she could have set up something at a neutral location.
11/14/2021 c10 Crest1
Kinda like your story and will definitely stay with it. Good character development so far. I am a bit worried about the "Haphne" tag, because out of all the characters you've been using up to this chapter, she is the least likeable, ranking even below Snape and Dumbledore in my virtual list, and that's pretty low. I hope you can turn her around in future chapters.
As for your writing, grammar, orthography and syntax: do not worry, you were already way above some authors I've found here on ffnet with your first chapter; you will only get better with every addidional chapter you write. You might want to watch out for homophones and Latin-based words (you tend to mix them up) and things like my all-time favorite: lie / lay / lain vs. lay / laid / laid. If you want to get some rest, you LIE down in a bed. LAY down something is used for objects, so you LAY down the book before you LIE down on the sofa. If someone is LAYING in a bed, he is probably a chicken and there will be eggs for breakfast.
Also - and this is really nit- or rather "brit"-picking: blue jays are native to North America. In Britain, you'd better use either a Eurasian jay (Garrulus glandarius) or any of the global species, e.g. the peregrine falcon. Can't believe nobody has commented on that as yet, especially since birdwatching is such a popular pastime in the UK.
Oh, and one last thing, and that is purely my opinion: I personally do not like the "(Harry P.O.V)", "(Astoria P.O.V)" viewpoint separators. Your writing makes absolutely clear who is providing the chapter focus. I think the "P.O.V. indicator" rips the reader out of the narration, it interrupts the flow. If you decide to continue using them, at least put them in proper genetive case: "(Harry's P.O.V.)", "(Astoria's P.O.V.)"
Thanks for writing, and ta-ta for now!
Kinda like your story and will definitely stay with it. Good character development so far. I am a bit worried about the "Haphne" tag, because out of all the characters you've been using up to this chapter, she is the least likeable, ranking even below Snape and Dumbledore in my virtual list, and that's pretty low. I hope you can turn her around in future chapters.
As for your writing, grammar, orthography and syntax: do not worry, you were already way above some authors I've found here on ffnet with your first chapter; you will only get better with every addidional chapter you write. You might want to watch out for homophones and Latin-based words (you tend to mix them up) and things like my all-time favorite: lie / lay / lain vs. lay / laid / laid. If you want to get some rest, you LIE down in a bed. LAY down something is used for objects, so you LAY down the book before you LIE down on the sofa. If someone is LAYING in a bed, he is probably a chicken and there will be eggs for breakfast.
Also - and this is really nit- or rather "brit"-picking: blue jays are native to North America. In Britain, you'd better use either a Eurasian jay (Garrulus glandarius) or any of the global species, e.g. the peregrine falcon. Can't believe nobody has commented on that as yet, especially since birdwatching is such a popular pastime in the UK.
Oh, and one last thing, and that is purely my opinion: I personally do not like the "(Harry P.O.V)", "(Astoria P.O.V)" viewpoint separators. Your writing makes absolutely clear who is providing the chapter focus. I think the "P.O.V. indicator" rips the reader out of the narration, it interrupts the flow. If you decide to continue using them, at least put them in proper genetive case: "(Harry's P.O.V.)", "(Astoria's P.O.V.)"
Thanks for writing, and ta-ta for now!
11/12/2021 c17 jimmy.oz
Wont lie not enjoying the whole thing with Dumbledore and how its happening but then again i never liked him anyway lol. curious what his Patronus is going to be since it had a beak.
Wont lie not enjoying the whole thing with Dumbledore and how its happening but then again i never liked him anyway lol. curious what his Patronus is going to be since it had a beak.
11/12/2021 c14 jimmy.oz
I feel like he should have more mistrust in Dumbledore but then again maybe the adults didn't say much bad things about him even though they mistrust him.
I feel like he should have more mistrust in Dumbledore but then again maybe the adults didn't say much bad things about him even though they mistrust him.
11/12/2021 c4 jimmy.oz
i honestly can't see harry being friends with ron this time around since he wasn't raised how he was originally and plus knowing ron even though they never met he would most likely try and blame Ginny's death on him evven though it was Dumbledore's fault.
i honestly can't see harry being friends with ron this time around since he wasn't raised how he was originally and plus knowing ron even though they never met he would most likely try and blame Ginny's death on him evven though it was Dumbledore's fault.
10/24/2021 c31 D0ntl00kback
Absolutely fantastic chapter! It read visually and understandable in a way that was amazing!
Absolutely fantastic chapter! It read visually and understandable in a way that was amazing!
10/24/2021 c29 D0ntl00kback
I love this story sooooo much ! I know that you are well into this series but is Luna going to be entering the boys group at Hogwarts? I am kind of fond of the character.
I love this story sooooo much ! I know that you are well into this series but is Luna going to be entering the boys group at Hogwarts? I am kind of fond of the character.
10/24/2021 c23 D0ntl00kback
Neville is an awesome addition to the group! I love how you have incorporated his importance in this chapter!
Neville is an awesome addition to the group! I love how you have incorporated his importance in this chapter!
10/23/2021 c16 D0ntl00kback
Neville and Luna are my 2 favorite characters that were not used enough in the books.
Neville and Luna are my 2 favorite characters that were not used enough in the books.