Just In
Community
Forum
V
More
for The Girl Next Door

9/15/2019 c1 Guest
awesome... you captured the characters personalities perfectly.
7/21/2019 c1 33Gemini Explorer
This is a really good story, although I doubt that John would have been so guilt-ridden, unless he
had actually consummated a full liaison with the girl. Even then, he might well try to hide it, if with small chance of succeeding

The village girl would press her advantage, trying to usurp Marguerite's role as John's woman. And neither Marg nor Borboleta wants to be a side girl, Roxton's spare chick. Nor would they agree to him having both, his harem. There would be a showdown.

Would B. wear a grass skirt? Zanga women wore cloth loincloths and sarongs. If she was in a grass skirt and probably topless except for a lei, she was probably prepping for some special ceremony

Where'd Marg. get her own grass skirt? A missing bit of info. And she should have gone bare above the waist. Fight B. with the same weapons she employed in her arsenal of seduction. I'd add med. to large ring/loop earrings, very sensual, a bit slutty.

I was ready for Marg. to have an outburst, a tantrum. But she handled this with wisdom and compassion.

I don't see Borborleta (sp?) as a very feminine name. I'd use Barbaretta, etc. Maybe Yanina?

This is one of your better stories but I'd avoid leaving M&R alone in the Treehouse. Too much maintenance, and Marg. and John would both yearn for civilization. Marguerite would crave shopping at Fortnum's!

And where is Finn? Why do most women authors ignore her? Jealousy? From a male view, she was a worthy addition! I loved her, and not for the costume alone.

Overall, good, clever story, but needs some clarification and deciding where Finn is. Malone should be back, with Veronica! You did handle the weather as an effective element of the fic. That was well done.

Desktop Mode . Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service