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for Routine Occurrence

12/8/2019 c1 dulce
es terrible y si pasan cosas así
9/26/2019 c1 Guest
Maybe correct your own stuff before you go being mean to other people just because they don't want to give away parts of their story. You sound like you are so knit-picky because you can't write well.
9/21/2019 c1 24Anonymousnette
So, your sentences are a bit wordy, and you fail to explain actions inbetween dialogue. For example;
"That's a database error that's been fixed."
"That's what they tell you. I'm sure it will happen again."
9/3/2019 c1 Guest





9/2/2019 c1 Guest
8/24/2019 c1 Wildebunny
This book changed me as a person. Before my eyes ever had the privilege of viewing the masterful works of Wildebunny the Eternal, I was on the brink of homelessness. I relied on the generosity of passersby for food and I was HIV Positive. All of that changed when I read Routine Occurrence. The way the words flow on the page over the brilliantly designed characters gave me new sense of hope in the world. It was the first time I had ever thought that everything would be okay. From my parents dying in a tragic boating accident to battling my syphilis (in addition to HIV) I developed a very cynical view of the world. This changed my entire perspective. After reading the words of Wildebunny the Eternal, I completely turned my life around. After finishing the book, my syphilis and HIV instantly went away. I got promoted to CEO of my job and started making 6 figures. And most importantly, the lessons I learned from Routine Occurrence helped me meet a beautiful girl who I now call my wife, and raise a wonderful family. I named my first son after Wildebunny the Eternal. This book meant so much to me I had to. My first daughter is also named Wildebunny. It was a decision that my wife strongly fought me about, but I wouldn't have it any other way. After my first two children, we had two more (also both named Wildebunny) whom I read this book to every night before going to sleep. Wildebunny, (my second son) developed leukemia, but after reading this to him in the hospital, he was cured. My daughter (Wildebunny) was told she would never walk again, now she runs thanks to this brilliant and almost holy creation. I stopped going to bible study. This book is now my bible, it is my everything. I truly believe god spoke to Wildebunny the Eternal when he created this. I strongly advise everyone to read this book, in fact, I think everyone should be required by law to. If that were to be the case, I believe the world would be a better place. If everyone were required to read this magnificent tale, all of the injustices, hate, poverty, and diseases in the world would all cease to exist. Wildebunny the Eternal, you have changed my life. Thank you.
8/11/2019 c1 4CrystalRei
Hey Wildebunny; here from the challenge. :) I'm fandom-blind, and by extension have no idea how AU this is, just as a heads-up.

I like Judy as a character, and kudos to her for being willing to confront her prejudices. Her police work in the second half of the story was interesting, and I almost wish more focus was placed on that to see it played out. But unfortunately the circumstances in which Nick and Judy are stuck together feels, maybe not /forced/, but almost like a contrived coincidence.

For instance, I'm surprised Judy didn't pick up on how odd it was that Nick wanted privacy to call in theory just for a ride. I mean, I understand taking any excuse to get out of there when you feel uncomfortable or even unsafe, but it seems like something she would pick up on. Likewise, I'm surprised Nick left her out there unless he was on the phone the entire time until Finnick pulled up, which seems unlikely if only to prevent the whole 'why is there a child in the driver's seat' debacle. And overall, while I did say I was glad Judy was confronting her initial impressions, there's a line between that and welcoming someone /into your home/ for the forseeable future, when that person is not only someone you don't feel comfortable with, but that you've only met /once/ in circumstances that I assume didn't allow for much get-to-know-you talking.

[Don't you realize how uncomfortable she is? that and she's an actual cop."] - Capitalization typo. That said, kudos to Finnick here. Nick hiding things the way he does make sense, but the poor communication just hurts to read.

The scene at the restaurant did have some nice banter though, and Nick's love of stuffed animals makes me smile. Congratulations on completing the challenge and best of luck with your future writing. :)
8/9/2019 c1 1IceDragon07
Not bad if I'm being honest. Good story
8/8/2019 c1 1ZadArchie
Having finally seen the movie for myself, I feel like I’m able to have a better understanding of your stories and the premise. Much like a Halloween story you did, you are able to present for us the deeper issues regarding the predator/prey relationships and racism in Zootopia that could not be accomplished in the movie.

I like how you approached it with a slightly AU-ish take on Judy’s first day and how it puts her more directly into Nick’s world and the struggles he faces. Yet while his life does garner some sympathy, we do have to admire how he handles his situation in stride, and treats it like routine, while still remaining cynical and poignant when criticizing things in front of Judy. I think, if anything, this story develops his character so much more. Great work!

8/7/2019 c1 22ArkTaisch
Heya, here from the WA forum challenge. I've seen "Zootopia" before, so not completely fandom-blind.

Opening: The "random opener" mostly fit, with the rest of the paragraph flowing naturally and explaining what kind of conversation it was, and how Judy botched it, but I felt it was slightly forced. Maybe because the "random opener" suggests the person picked that way (whatever it is) on purpose and it turned out to be a bad idea, whereas here it wasn't what Judy intended to say at all, in that she meant to apologize and it came out wrong due to fear and inexperience.

["Let me live with you"] - Ha, well, that conversation took an interesting turn!

Heh heh, amusing back and forth there between Judy and Nick, with Judy about as naive as in canon and Nick as outrageous.

Ah, and here's Finnick added to the mix.

"No foxes" signs, huh? Well, that was an eye-opener for Judy... and more of the same the following day.

The ending paragraph felt a little abrupt, with a sudden summary of their future partnership. It seems more like this should be the first chapter of a multi-chapter story rather than a one-shot.

Overall, an interesting take on the Zootopia society.

Good luck with the challenge!
Nitpicks and SPaG:
[...gave her a tongue lashing with such clarity as well as...] - awkward phrasing, seems incomplete. "such clarity as" what? Maybe just "...gave her a tongue lashing as he got up from the floor."

[Especially, when you...] - No comma.

["..., be honest," Finnick chastised.] - I found the use of "chastised" as a tag distracting there. You can probably cut the tag completely, since we know who's talking.
7/29/2019 c1 13SpookOrSpectre
If you are looking to submit this for a competition, you'll have to look more carefully at your use of commas. There are places where too many different ideas are being stitched together and the sentence becomes unclear. Word choice and phrasing is also obscuring what you are trying to say in places.

The biggest issue is just general lack of clarity. It's easy to infer what you mean, but it's not fun to have to remove yourself from the story to understand it.

I'd look into the grammar of commas and some more general ideas about sentence structure.
7/29/2019 c1 11RememberYourDeath1347
Nice one shot, looking forward to more like this

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