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for A Hero's Journey

10/20/2020 c3 2k+Hawki
Again, decent. Both feel a bit too articulate for their age range, admittedly – like, both Calista and Alejandra have a better grasp on international politics (of a fictional setting, granted), then I probably would have when I was 14. But decent job.
10/20/2020 c2 Hawki
-So I can’t help but wonder at Alejandra’s luck that she twice experiences people threatening others with firearms within such a short timeframe. I mean, damn, girl…

Anyway, there’s not too much to say. Looking at the last review I left, I mentioned the Spanish words sticking out, but listing it as a net positive. Looking at it now, I’m more or less inclined to say the same thing, except they don’t stick out as much. As in, while the Spanish words are thrown into the English dialogue, they don’t stick out, but rather feel naturally (or at least more naturally) integrated.

So, decent. Feels short, but what’s conveyed is decent. Though if Alejandra is taking on an apprenticeship, does that mean she has to stop working at the bakery?
9/10/2019 c1 Hawki
-“Even if he did exist, he’s got a bow and arrow and some arm tattoos.”

This reads a bit awkwardly because “arm tattoos” was used in the previous sentence. Also, this isn’t technically an error, but I’m not sure if Hanzo can really be called a superhero. He’s an anti-hero at best.

-“…holes from the Omnic crisis.”

Should be “Omnic Crisis.”

-That aside, it’s a decent start. It’s ‘cute,’ but not so cute that it enters into nausea territory. Or, in other words, conveys children without being childish. Also, the Spanish words do stick out, but I’d say it’s a net positive. Gives it a flair of authenticity.
9/8/2019 c1 6The-Story-Man1
You have my attention. Keep going

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