Just In

11/13/2019 c7 drucifer000
Great work!
11/6/2019 c3 6258489
I've never really liked most of the characters in 'asoiaf' but Jon is up there with the ones I like the least, probably because people seem to like him for whatever reason.
11/3/2019 c4 Guest
Hm...I want to like it, but there is a lot that I don’t like.

Your pacing is entirely way too quick. No one can get invested because before you give them a reason to, you just keep on moving. You went from Harry meeting the Starks to Ned admitting secrets. Even if you say that Harry has magic and can read minds, there’s no reason for Ned to admit anything. And, as strong as Harry’s magic is, he is only ONE person.

That’s another thing. How can Harry use such a blatant display of magic and there be so little consequence. It doesn’t necessarily have to be bad, but you had every react like conjugation is the same as the stereotypical pulling a rabbit from a hat. It had almost zero, if not ZERO impact.

Your characterizations are also...mediocre at best. Not only do your character lack flair, they lack canon characteristics. I understand that it’s supposed to be a crossover and there will be changes, but you have canon GOT characters acting wildly OOC without giving them a reason to. Especially Catelyn. I’m not a fan of a character at all, but you turned the stupidity meter to 11 straight outta the gate.

Then there’s Harry. He’s also OP outta the gate. It would have been one thing to show us how he became so strong or survived the in new world, even as a mini-arc. Just 3 or 4 chapters of him being himself would’ve been nice. But so far, it looks like he adapted within the span of a few months or a couple of years? I guess you can just Deus Ex Machina and day ‘oh...magic’ but it’s lazy and sloppy.

Actually, I think that’s it. The plot is lazy and sloppy, which is why I can’t get into it. That’s not a flame.

It doesn’t read like you put any thought into the plot so far. It reads as if you are intentionally making things easy for your Mc rather than making the progression logical. Kinda like:

Harry reveals his magic.:

1. What would the Starks reaction logically be? People who don’t see magic or at least such blatant magic?

2. Why would Harry reveal magic in the first place? To send a message? Was that message received? Etc...

Also, you put that by the time Jon was 12 he could beat Robb and Theon...but most knights didn’t even start marital training until 14 or there about. So...that doesn’t really make sense.

I don’t know. I’ll continue reading hoping it gets better. You might want to do more research. Not only on the subject matter, but the characterization. Because they all read cookie-cutter Gary-Stus and Mary-Sues.
10/29/2019 c7 1malinkody
Love the story so far. Can't wait to see how you handle the kings visit.
10/28/2019 c1 ReadLikeHermione
Oh I haven't read that story yet but I just know I'm gonna like it! 33333
10/27/2019 c4 TianYi
Damn the structure of how yountell this story is good. The pacing is good too
10/26/2019 c7 Dreous44
Good update.
10/25/2019 c7 2mwinter1
Awaiting more. Waiting to see how Lord Stark turns the king down.
10/25/2019 c7 3AceZ-Shadow
I don't mind were the story is heading but the delayed update is discouraging..
10/24/2019 c7 6JAIMOL
A very interesting story. I am looking forward to reading the next chapter.
10/23/2019 c7 smokeapound
well that was short as fuck
10/22/2019 c7 anarion87
nice chapter
10/22/2019 c7 4SimFlyer
Great chapter, I am really enjoying this. Can't wait for more.
10/22/2019 c7 Separ
Reading this chapter the North feels a lot smaller than it is.
Moat Cailin isn't quite a close enough to Winterfell to pickup the king there...
10/22/2019 c4 Mr.Heller
Oh, the fighting scene is pretty good, usually people draw it out, quite unnecessarily might I add, but fast paced approach tells much better.
135 « Prev Page 1 .. 2 3 4 5 6 .. Last Next »

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service