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for The Consequences of Logic

10/28/2019 c1 Guest
basic things such as being a decent person and not tearing down budding writers to make yourself feel better about your own mediocre at best writing is such a lofty standard for some people
10/28/2019 c1 Guest
do u rlly have nothing better to do with ur time than leave nasty reviews on kid's stories or are u rlly just that pathetic
10/9/2019 c1 Irosakura91
I really enjoyed your format of writing, easy to read. Not ugly because it isn't blocks of words. As for your writing, i think it's setting location was missing making me wonder how big the area was, what was the terrain like. "Tomorrows gladiatorial games" i assume would imply coliseum. But because of you said Tomorrow it could an entirely different location.
10/8/2019 c1 21CercandoUnaVoce
Alright, first thing, I don't think this is fandom-blind friendly at all, and that might be the first issue if you want to submit the story as a challenge entry.

I like the first line, I think you have quite a good hook there, but the second one made me feel like you're writing a list of actions and not really a story. Going on reading, the rest of the story doesn't give that impression, but the first two lines being, 'Xina did this, Pro did that' to me is not so appealing.

/Pro repeated Draycu's plans to use her own army for tomorrow's gladiatorial games./ Since I don't know/can't guess Pro and Draycu gender, I had to read several times to understand that 'her' refers to Xina.

I really liked the first few lines of the second drabble, but, /You. I can smell her scent all over you, it's unbearable/ and /Tomorrow might be our last day. Please/ reading this two lines I'm confused about Nyx character, it appears to me a too sudden change in attitude from cocky to begging.

/They headed off to the arena./ Once again, this sounds to me like a listing of actions. If I may dare to suggest, you may go with something on the line of 'Rules of the arena were clear. Thirty troops...' so you hint the battle is starting and that they are there already.

/Ulric shouted/ this abrupt way of introducing the character just confuses me. And then the rest of this fourth drabble truly challenges me. I have to admit I personally understood very little of what happened there and who the pronouns refers to.

/The blade had magical powers, but she didn't know how to use it./ I like the concept of this end, but not as much the execution. Written like this and separated from the rest, my brain imagined an external narrator saying that line out loud.

In short, I enjoyed the plot and the concepts here, but I had a really hard time actually understanding the story at the first read.

Wish you luck.
10/6/2019 c1 Welcome Back CU
Ahhhhhh I see you and your fellow children back again. You miss us? Or maybe you're upset that we kick your ass that hard. Looking at your "Professional" writing on the CU forum, including the others. It almost sounds like you guys are just targeting and taking people's freedom away. This is really funny to see yall acting like a police. Don't say no to that Lol. Believe me, you and your CU children do act like a police. Man, it amazes me to see you children to become a police website. Soooooo AWESOME! Anyway, this is payback for all the authors. I mean, if you really are helping people. Then why did they delete their own stories? Why did they leave fanfiction? Why did you and your fellow pests send threats such as telling the admins to ban them? Why you guys have a whole list of stories that should be deleted? And most important of all, why are you making people angry? All these questions are really simple. Because of you guys, and your actions. Your forum looks like a terrorist group. Don't believe me. LOOK AT THE LIST OF STORIES AND AUTHORS YOU GUYS PUT! If you never see a terrorist before, look at yourself. Do you realized you created thousands and maybe millions of enemies? You're really not helping people. You're just putting them on a list and giving them threats and you guys only rely on the admins to help your selfish actions. LMAO, you guys block people because you know you can't handle it. No balls, but only rely on stronger people. You think you have more power just by sending threats to authors? I hope you realized that you put yourself in a hateful position. I'm guessing you guys just want more attention, that's what I saw. Sending reviews to random authors or specifically "rulebreakers." Pffftt how come the system allowed us to do it anyways? Because it's already been there. Long before you exist. You guys want more attention because you like being hate on. That's amazing. Keep doing what you're doing to authors so you can make more enemies.
9/30/2019 c1 132rebecca-in-blue
Being fandom-blind, I didn't expect to understand every part of this story, but I really don't think that this is written in a very-blind accessible way. Between the people present in the story and the ones they talk about, it seems like there are a lot of characters, and it's hard to get a sense of their motivations or relationships with each other. For example, in the second scene, where Xina and Nyx mention "her," I couldn't tell who was lusting after who or whether one of them was supposed to be jealous.

I admire you for trying to write a story in drabbles (which was too hard for me), but I think the short, sparse style of drabbles works against this narrative. The second and fourth scenes, for example, are mostly dialogue, with little mention of where the characters are or what they're doing. Making things even trickier is that with several of the names in this fandom (Pro, Draycu, Nyx), you can't tell if they're male or female. I think using more qualifiers and less pronouns would help here, but you're probably trying to avoid them to get the word count right.

The ending feels very abrupt to me. Pro and Draycu's army seems to have been defeated, but there's still a lot of fighting going on - "civil war suddenly erupted," "made its way amidst the chaos." It reads like the ending comes right in the middle of all the action, especially since that final line seems to raise more questions than answers. Cliffhanger endings can be good hooks, but I think of a cliffhanger more as presenting a new, last-minute dilemma after solving an earlier one, and in this chapter, I don't really sense that anything has been resolved.

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