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11/5/2020 c5 Commas
I'm going to quickly beta one fragment of your writing to show you what I mean.

First, I will post it unedited:

The six former operatives, couldn't believe who they were seeing. Although they knew Chad and Fanny, had been forgiven for their past 'crimes', due to the positions their parents held, they had not expected to run into them so soon. They were now considered traitors by all remaining operatives, as they had willingly went with their parents to Villains Capital, without a second thought. Despite this, Rachel couldn't deny, she was happy to see Fanny, as they had been best friends during their days in the Kids Next Door. She didn't know how she felt about seeing Chad however, because although he hadn't actually betrayed the Kids Next Door upon turning thirteen, he had not been at all hesitant to go with his parents, when things got bad. Sector V didn't have the same opinion regarding Fanny, but the feelings towards Chad were mutual.

Now here it is in its edited form:

The six former operatives couldn't believe who they were seeing. Although they knew Chad and Fanny had been forgiven for their past 'crimes' due to the positions their parents held, they had not expected to run into them so soon. They were now considered traitors by all remaining operatives, as they had willingly went with their parents to Villains Capital without a second thought. Despite this, Rachel couldn't deny (that) she was happy to see Fanny, as they had been best friends during their days in the Kids Next Door. She didn't know how she felt about seeing Chad(,) however, because although he hadn't actually betrayed the Kids Next Door upon turning thirteen, he had not been at all hesitant to go with his parents when things got bad. Sector V didn't have the same opinion regarding Fanny, but the feelings towards Chad were mutual.

Do you see what I mean? I overlooked any grammatical errors so as to focus only on excessive comma use (although I will say that, as a philosopher, I am highly skilled in the use of proper grammar as well, and can also offer those services). Not that you make many grammatical errors; your main problem is just those commas.

Anyway, hope this was helpful! I wouldn't have taken the time to write all this - from my phone, no less - if I didn't love your story.
11/5/2020 c4 Commas
This story is GREAT. I was insta-hooked. The only problem with it is how you over-use commas. For example, observe the following sentences:

I thought, that, he wouldn't ever have gone, to the store for me, but, he did.

I thought that he wouldn't ever have gone to the store for me, but he did.

Which one reads more smoothly? The one with correct punctuation. Throughout your story are lots of commas where there needn't be any, and it breaks up the fluidity. I'm terribly busy for the next few weeks, but afterwards, I'd be happy to make an account and beta for you. Let me know in a comment on your story if you would like that.

I will leave you with a general rule of thumb until then: if in speech you would pause, a comma (probably) belongs there. If you would not, it (probably) doesn't.
7/9/2020 c16 catspats31
This chapter is definitely worth the wait because it featured the reunion between Nigel and his cousin. I can't wait to see more of the 5th Annual Games Next Door to see the other contestants that are competing.
7/8/2020 c16 38zcross1997
Oh wow. Things are getting VERY interesting. I know Nigel is conflicted about fighting his cousin, but he could definitely take her down.
5/12/2020 c14 zcross1997
This was a great chapter, but a very depressing one at that. Though I was glad that Harvey could be put in his place.
4/29/2020 c10 Ddysrhjkojbdsfvjihvbkk
I knew it would happen. Now Rachel will confess her love to Nigel after all these years (for me 20 times). If you consider that it comes before the whole world. I put myself in the villains and I would be most likely to support Numbuh 2. I've been a fan of the Hunger Games for years and it would be very funny to see someone build a plane, fly through the arena and bomb everyone
4/29/2020 c9 Ddysrhjkojbdsfvjihvbkk
She will talk about her younger sister, like Katniss Everdeen did. I am curious to see, how the 3/4-thing will be. And all the others als, especially 1/362.
4/29/2020 c13 zcross1997
Wow, I’m curious to see how you write Rachel’s reaction when she finds out the truth. I’m glad to see Harvey out in his place, knowing what Abby eventually has done to him.
4/10/2020 c12 zcross1997
Glad that Rachel and Nigel can admit their feelings. This chapter was a lot more peaceful than I thought it would be.
4/1/2020 c11 zcross1997
Um, just wow. I honestly didn’t see that coming. Everything in this shocked me. That was probably one of the best chapters, next to the one with Chad and Fanny trying to get sponsors.
3/28/2020 c8 Ddysrhjkojbdsfvjihvbkk
Actually, I'm most looking forward to the show scene in which they are interviewed. I hope that the pairings with each other will be fun. I think it's a shame that it didn't happen that Nigel and Rachel are not a couple from the start and that they invent it later to get sponsors. And how they tell their story, from their collaboration in IT to the cake mission. That would have been the ideal satire towards the fandom. I think it's good that it is becoming increasingly independent of the Hunger Games. There are more and more places that have no parallels to the original.
3/26/2020 c7 Ddysrhjkojbdsfvjihvbkk
I continue to read. It becames a little bit better. Also the part with ProfessorXXXL.
3/19/2020 c10 IvanModzCrack
siguela porfavor
3/10/2020 c10 zcross1997
Oh shit! Now I’m nervous about how Nigel is gonna react and what Robin Food is gonna ask him. Great chapter, especially seeing Lydia still being ornery.
2/22/2020 c8 catspats31
I enjoyed reading the fight scenes of this chapter and I can't wait for the Games Next Door to finally arrive so that I can see the other contestants.
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