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12/8/2019 c1 6arianedartagnan
Oh, a Mage-Shadowrun crossover is so exciting! I love Mage: The Ascension and have always wanted to play Shadowrun, so finding a story that incorporates elements from both was perfect.

I love the progression of possible reasons Jacqueline might have for visiting Julia, ranging all the way from serious (gang trouble) down to, well, serious in a different way.

The "I'm sure you're awakened" and "Well, I am out of bed" exchange was hilarious.

The tense conversation between Julia and the shadowrunners at the bar does a great job at capturing the dangerous situation and the general shadiness of the setting.

The kids have an adorable mix of naivete and bravado. I love how Julia takes one look at them and orders them to take the guns out of their pants. The way the scene displays her skills and hints at her past is intriguing.

The fight scene was great! I love the witty banter at the beginning (well, Julia is witty, anyway, in a "Bond, James Bond" sort of way; the bad guys definitely act like villains). I really liked the way you blended Order of Hermes magic with cyberpunk hand-to-hand combat. Julia's complaint about liking to vary her escape routes was really funny.

You've inspired me to hunt down a copy of Shadowrun now!
12/6/2019 c1 Guest
wow
12/6/2019 c1 23Danny Barefoot
The first line clearly establish a WoD/Shadowrun crossover. I feel like the sense of place would be more Shadowrun, since WoD is a set of different 'maskerades' behind the scenes, while Shadowrun changes our world in ways that influence everyone in it. I think the toilet emergency comically shows a realistic world with everyday concerns, but sacrifices the chance to immediately establish a distinctive sense of place. There are a few shadowrun terms in the first few paragraphs, but maybe mention briefly where they are in Scotland and how the Awakening has changed the city, then the everyday toilet problem will have more impact. Though I don't know a lot of background for Shadowrun Scotland (I hadn't heard the of bampot before, but but it is a word), making it up in the absence of sources is classic RPG. Name dropping the police force would be good; Seattle has Lone Star, New York has NYPD inc. among others...though the brutal policing is well written, and the fight before that is excellent. Dramatic and convincingly violent action with a good distinctive description of the spells and good use of the environment. The part about the Technocracy was a very good combination of WoD with shadowrun.

The line in paragraph six 'bitterly ironic, given that they...' seems a bit of a formal and detached way of putting it. In the next paragraph Julia says a bit too much when she's comforting Jac; maybe cut the second half of her first speech? Is Jac an ork like Logan and Freya? Bringing up characters' metatype clearly and early is good for that sense of place and visualisation I think. The endings of the second and third sections were a bit flat; there could be something to end the second more directly reacting to the Runners not caring about the lives of the trog kids who'll get killed for their distraction. You did certainly suggest with the lines about their dead chummers and 'eating in better places' that there's more to the Runners' story than we hear, though not enough for us to feel sympathy, which is a perfect balance. Logan and Freya are both convincingly whiny and understandably motivated to get some money, with their squat being developed. The lines about gun safety, the guns being linked to something nasty, and all that Julia says to them in that scene, were very good (one last thing, maybe 'I think you never ran and slept your way to your house' could be two sentences?). Julia protected the kids very artfully, though in classic grey-morality fashion, the dead shadowrunners lose out. Julia's earlier line about Aztechnology owning Stuffer Shack was very well done. The ending fits well with the tone of the story. Sorry to suggest all these things, I'm not brilliant at critiquing so take it all with a pinch of salt. The core of the story is a great down-to-earth, gutterpunk tale with excellent lines, action and ideas.

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