for Song of A Northern Sorcerer5/7 c5 Guest
Nox still talks so much, it really is detrimental to the quality of scenes tbh. The line between ‘cool’ and ‘cringe’ is whether the actions are necessary or are furthering a goal beyond just seeming cool. Nox talking and commenting on the enemies’ lack of proper fighting ability is completely unnecessary, considering he’s likely going to kill them all.
In one scene he said he wouldn’t waste his breath on dead men, then proceeds to fill multiple paragraphs in monologues as he fights, then attacks the keep while talking some more in this chapter. If Nox is the pov, most of what he says could (and in my opinion, should) be in the author’s voice. That way we understand his thoughts and reasoning for what he’s doing without him having to explain it to some random people.
I mean, imagine that iconic scene of Darth Vader entering the hallway full of Rebels and slaughtering them all, his mechanical breathing the only identifying sound. Now imagine Vader’s robotic voice lecturing the rebels on their lackluster tactical formation as he cuts through them all. Doesn’t seem as cool, does it?
A good rule of thumb is that, if you catch your characters in a conversation and they’re speaking uninterrupted (by either another character or the author’s voice informing us about inner thoughts or the surroundings/positioning of the scene) for more than one paragraph maximum, it’s too much to be natural.
In short: A person speaks the summary of their thoughts, not the whole thoughts themselves. To voice every logical and reasoned line of thought for everything you think wouldn’t be sustainable in a real conversation.
Nox still talks so much, it really is detrimental to the quality of scenes tbh. The line between ‘cool’ and ‘cringe’ is whether the actions are necessary or are furthering a goal beyond just seeming cool. Nox talking and commenting on the enemies’ lack of proper fighting ability is completely unnecessary, considering he’s likely going to kill them all.
In one scene he said he wouldn’t waste his breath on dead men, then proceeds to fill multiple paragraphs in monologues as he fights, then attacks the keep while talking some more in this chapter. If Nox is the pov, most of what he says could (and in my opinion, should) be in the author’s voice. That way we understand his thoughts and reasoning for what he’s doing without him having to explain it to some random people.
I mean, imagine that iconic scene of Darth Vader entering the hallway full of Rebels and slaughtering them all, his mechanical breathing the only identifying sound. Now imagine Vader’s robotic voice lecturing the rebels on their lackluster tactical formation as he cuts through them all. Doesn’t seem as cool, does it?
A good rule of thumb is that, if you catch your characters in a conversation and they’re speaking uninterrupted (by either another character or the author’s voice informing us about inner thoughts or the surroundings/positioning of the scene) for more than one paragraph maximum, it’s too much to be natural.
In short: A person speaks the summary of their thoughts, not the whole thoughts themselves. To voice every logical and reasoned line of thought for everything you think wouldn’t be sustainable in a real conversation.
5/5 c46 kitain9
First I love this story and alway am looking forward to the next chapter. But one problem i noticed at the end of this chapter. Wouldnt the explosion from the black power also have destroyed the bridge it was on leaving Robb's army no way to cross to enter the destoryed portcullis?
First I love this story and alway am looking forward to the next chapter. But one problem i noticed at the end of this chapter. Wouldnt the explosion from the black power also have destroyed the bridge it was on leaving Robb's army no way to cross to enter the destoryed portcullis?
5/5 c4 Guest
Nox talks waaaaaaay too much in a battle. It just isn’t cool for a Darth to run his mouth; keeping his words more sparse would be a lot more intimidating.
That goes for most interactions too. People talk way too much for what they’re actually saying. The way they talk isn’t how a human would talk, but how they’d write. They say ‘my lord’ or each others’ titles a bit more than would be appropriate or normal, especially in the North where there is less emphasis on court culture, unlike the South.
Also, sometimes it feels like what could’ve been thought is said, and what is thought could’ve been conferred in the third person/narrator’s voice. These things make the interactions seem more artificial than they should, though the intended meaning and set-up of the scenes are great.
I imagine these issues will be more reduced or even resolved the further along this story goes, so perhaps a minor rewrite is in order for the earlier chapters? Not the plot per se, but I imagine the story would benefit a lot from a more streamlined introduction, rather than its current form.
Nox talks waaaaaaay too much in a battle. It just isn’t cool for a Darth to run his mouth; keeping his words more sparse would be a lot more intimidating.
That goes for most interactions too. People talk way too much for what they’re actually saying. The way they talk isn’t how a human would talk, but how they’d write. They say ‘my lord’ or each others’ titles a bit more than would be appropriate or normal, especially in the North where there is less emphasis on court culture, unlike the South.
Also, sometimes it feels like what could’ve been thought is said, and what is thought could’ve been conferred in the third person/narrator’s voice. These things make the interactions seem more artificial than they should, though the intended meaning and set-up of the scenes are great.
I imagine these issues will be more reduced or even resolved the further along this story goes, so perhaps a minor rewrite is in order for the earlier chapters? Not the plot per se, but I imagine the story would benefit a lot from a more streamlined introduction, rather than its current form.
5/5 c3 Guest
Why is it that people have their protagonist OC-inserts romantically engaged with other OC-inserts instead of, y’know, characters from the setting itself? Those are the characters we know; they are who we’re interested in when it comes to the protagonist interacting with them.
With an OC romantic interest you have to build our image of them from the ground up, which takes a lot of time and work. Time and work that’s not spent letting the protagonist interact with the setting we’re here for. That’s not even mentioning that an OC romantic love interest is a gamble, because if such a character isn’t written in greater quality to the setting’s characters, it’ll make them a net-negative in narrative worth to the overall story (why invest time in introducing another new character if they are only equal or even worse than their canon counterparts?).
I feel like this move is so commonly made by fanfiction writers because they’re uncertain of their ability to write a convincing romantic sub-plot between their OC-protagonist and an already established character. I find that to be… counterproductive, when true. After all, if they’re uncertain in their ability to faithfully portray canon characters as themselves in new (emotionally charged and complex) situations, then seeking refuge in the introduction of a blank slate only opens the way to more problems later on when they have to factor in that new character’s relationships into the plot too. It’s a way to grant more literary freedom for the author short-term, but doesn’t solve the underlying issue.
It’s generally also a bit of a bait’n’switch to just make your protagonist not romantically interact with a canon character in favor of an entirely new one. That’s not what the reader initially came for, since it’d be expected that if there ever was a romantic sub-plot it’d involve at least one character of the canon cast.
Also, wouldn’t Nyra already be married if she’d flowered several years before? Perhaps for common folk the need to marry seems less pressing than for the nobility, but it should still very much be expected in such a society, especially for a woman. A maid would probably be married to another person that works at the castle or locally, no?
Finally, as a funny aside, Darth Nox being willing to kill for that library, as any Sith, doesn’t say much tbh. The average Sith would be willing to kill if it’d meant you’d pass them the table salt, so to speak lol.
Why is it that people have their protagonist OC-inserts romantically engaged with other OC-inserts instead of, y’know, characters from the setting itself? Those are the characters we know; they are who we’re interested in when it comes to the protagonist interacting with them.
With an OC romantic interest you have to build our image of them from the ground up, which takes a lot of time and work. Time and work that’s not spent letting the protagonist interact with the setting we’re here for. That’s not even mentioning that an OC romantic love interest is a gamble, because if such a character isn’t written in greater quality to the setting’s characters, it’ll make them a net-negative in narrative worth to the overall story (why invest time in introducing another new character if they are only equal or even worse than their canon counterparts?).
I feel like this move is so commonly made by fanfiction writers because they’re uncertain of their ability to write a convincing romantic sub-plot between their OC-protagonist and an already established character. I find that to be… counterproductive, when true. After all, if they’re uncertain in their ability to faithfully portray canon characters as themselves in new (emotionally charged and complex) situations, then seeking refuge in the introduction of a blank slate only opens the way to more problems later on when they have to factor in that new character’s relationships into the plot too. It’s a way to grant more literary freedom for the author short-term, but doesn’t solve the underlying issue.
It’s generally also a bit of a bait’n’switch to just make your protagonist not romantically interact with a canon character in favor of an entirely new one. That’s not what the reader initially came for, since it’d be expected that if there ever was a romantic sub-plot it’d involve at least one character of the canon cast.
Also, wouldn’t Nyra already be married if she’d flowered several years before? Perhaps for common folk the need to marry seems less pressing than for the nobility, but it should still very much be expected in such a society, especially for a woman. A maid would probably be married to another person that works at the castle or locally, no?
Finally, as a funny aside, Darth Nox being willing to kill for that library, as any Sith, doesn’t say much tbh. The average Sith would be willing to kill if it’d meant you’d pass them the table salt, so to speak lol.
5/5 c2 Guest
It’s laughable to assume a Darth would be ‘amazed’ by a medieval defensive structure, even one such as Winterfell. The Force aspect of it, sure, that’s believable. But amazement at the strategic way it’s constructed? For a man from space, who has witnessed countless civilizations more advanced, and visited structures built for the purpose of withstanding the brutality of galactic warfare? Please, even Casterly Rock would merely be a curiosity for such a man. Amazing only relative to the technologically inferior world it stands upon.
It’s laughable to assume a Darth would be ‘amazed’ by a medieval defensive structure, even one such as Winterfell. The Force aspect of it, sure, that’s believable. But amazement at the strategic way it’s constructed? For a man from space, who has witnessed countless civilizations more advanced, and visited structures built for the purpose of withstanding the brutality of galactic warfare? Please, even Casterly Rock would merely be a curiosity for such a man. Amazing only relative to the technologically inferior world it stands upon.
5/4 c46 Guest
Oh, come on it’s May 4. Can’t we get an update puppy dog eyes?
Oh, come on it’s May 4. Can’t we get an update puppy dog eyes?
5/3 c46 Stephanus Mattheus
Pleasant surprise to find this new chapter, thanks for this next installment.
Pleasant surprise to find this new chapter, thanks for this next installment.
5/2 c46 a.michael.hughes
I have been reading this for the last few days but I got the whole thing now. See you again in a few months. Thank you for writing and take care.
I have been reading this for the last few days but I got the whole thing now. See you again in a few months. Thank you for writing and take care.
5/1 c1 alero6159
I'm dying to know what you're planning to do with Griff. Looking back, I noticed Nyra only mentioned Rhaeynis as the only deceased, so I want to see how you're going to handle the story. I also want to remind you that Jon being Rhaegar's son should be important to Jaime's arc, as he always blamed himself for Elia and her children. Great chapter, my friend.
I'm dying to know what you're planning to do with Griff. Looking back, I noticed Nyra only mentioned Rhaeynis as the only deceased, so I want to see how you're going to handle the story. I also want to remind you that Jon being Rhaegar's son should be important to Jaime's arc, as he always blamed himself for Elia and her children. Great chapter, my friend.
5/1 c46 
1Jambers81
Amazing chapter as always so good10/10 cant wait for tywin to realize he has bitten off far more than he can chew
1Jambers81Amazing chapter as always so good10/10 cant wait for tywin to realize he has bitten off far more than he can chew
4/30 c46 4Trado
Another chapter, another good day! And it is good to see Nox and the Starks ready to start ripping the south apart.
Tywin and Nox are about to go head-to-head at last and, if Tywin has any brains at all, he'll take his best men and flee before or right as the battle begins while Nox deals with the rest of his army. I'm certain Tywin would leave behind the Septons and all the others he considers expendable in order to buy himself time to get away. He knows, even if he'll never admit it to anyone, that he can't beat Nox on the battlefield and that if the war continues then it will likely mean the end for House Lannister, something Tywin will never allow, which means he needs to live long enough to find another way because it's painfully clear to him now that his children and grandchildren can't do anything right. And if he actually stays, which I don't see happening, I can't imagine how he thinks he's going to win against Nox. If it were anyone else, he might have some sort of plan but Nox? Escape is the only possible hope of survival, and he must know it. All he can hope to do is use what he has to slow Nox and his forces down.
Jaime, on the other hand, probably believes he can actually stop Jon, Robb, and their forces from getting past him since Nox isn't with them, ignoring the fact that the two have been training under Nox for most of their lives. Edmure's probably just hoping for a quick death at this point and is planning to go down fighting because he must know that capture will mean a fate worse than death for his betrayal. I also really like that Jon's working so hard to make sure his true identity stays hidden for as long as possible and I'm really hoping that Jaime finds out when he's captured and is confronted by the King with not only a Direwolf, but a dragon as well.
Although, at the rate things are going in King's Landing, Joffrey might get killed by his own people before Nox and the Starks can even arrive. He's literally butchering them for fun; there's no other reason. Even if the people are terrified now, it won't be long before that fear is replaced by hatred and history has shown that when the people are angry enough, they can bring down dragons. Joffrey is many things, but he is definitely not a dragon.
Loved seeing how everything is going, and I can't wait to see what happens in the upcoming battles. Keep up the awesome work and see you next time!
4TradoAnother chapter, another good day! And it is good to see Nox and the Starks ready to start ripping the south apart.
Tywin and Nox are about to go head-to-head at last and, if Tywin has any brains at all, he'll take his best men and flee before or right as the battle begins while Nox deals with the rest of his army. I'm certain Tywin would leave behind the Septons and all the others he considers expendable in order to buy himself time to get away. He knows, even if he'll never admit it to anyone, that he can't beat Nox on the battlefield and that if the war continues then it will likely mean the end for House Lannister, something Tywin will never allow, which means he needs to live long enough to find another way because it's painfully clear to him now that his children and grandchildren can't do anything right. And if he actually stays, which I don't see happening, I can't imagine how he thinks he's going to win against Nox. If it were anyone else, he might have some sort of plan but Nox? Escape is the only possible hope of survival, and he must know it. All he can hope to do is use what he has to slow Nox and his forces down.
Jaime, on the other hand, probably believes he can actually stop Jon, Robb, and their forces from getting past him since Nox isn't with them, ignoring the fact that the two have been training under Nox for most of their lives. Edmure's probably just hoping for a quick death at this point and is planning to go down fighting because he must know that capture will mean a fate worse than death for his betrayal. I also really like that Jon's working so hard to make sure his true identity stays hidden for as long as possible and I'm really hoping that Jaime finds out when he's captured and is confronted by the King with not only a Direwolf, but a dragon as well.
Although, at the rate things are going in King's Landing, Joffrey might get killed by his own people before Nox and the Starks can even arrive. He's literally butchering them for fun; there's no other reason. Even if the people are terrified now, it won't be long before that fear is replaced by hatred and history has shown that when the people are angry enough, they can bring down dragons. Joffrey is many things, but he is definitely not a dragon.
Loved seeing how everything is going, and I can't wait to see what happens in the upcoming battles. Keep up the awesome work and see you next time!
4/30 c46 RandoMando47
I do like the look of beheaded Lannisters. I’m optimistic the next chapter may provide a hat trick. TFTC!
I do like the look of beheaded Lannisters. I’m optimistic the next chapter may provide a hat trick. TFTC!
4/29 c45 Lecteurcompulsifbis
je verrais bien arya continuée à monter ver le nord jusqu'à arriver dans les clans des montagne et là les recruter sous des condition similaire à celle du peuple libre tandis que sansa monterai une confrérie similaire à la confrérie sans bannière pour défendre les pauvre gens des crowland ou elle serait rejointe par garlant tyrell
je verrais bien arya continuée à monter ver le nord jusqu'à arriver dans les clans des montagne et là les recruter sous des condition similaire à celle du peuple libre tandis que sansa monterai une confrérie similaire à la confrérie sans bannière pour défendre les pauvre gens des crowland ou elle serait rejointe par garlant tyrell
4/29 c46 ReadyPlayerFour
Beautiful chapter, mate, once again thoroughly engaging. I can't wait to see what you come up with next.
Beautiful chapter, mate, once again thoroughly engaging. I can't wait to see what you come up with next.