Just In
for The Double-Date

8/16/2020 c1 MagentaMusings
There really do need to be more Ichigo/Senna Fics. They absolutely have some of the best romantic chemistry potential in the series. Admittedly, I am a rampant shipper and can generally find something I like about any given pairing but Senna/Ichigo is probably my favourite, behind maybe Tatsuki/Ichigo (Tatsuki And Fans Of Tatsuki Were Done Some grievous Wrong by the way that canon just sorta. Forgot about her. There were So Many Ways She Coulda been bought back into focus as well. Tatsuki with a Fullbring, anyone?) and maybe perhaps Neliel (I honestly just like Neliel's personality and think it gels well with Ichigo)
6/18/2020 c1 5cg037
A great start, keep up the good work.
6/16/2020 c1 13MagpieTales
Hi SomethingAncient - over from WA to review the challenge entries. Fandom blind, but I watch anime so I'm roughly familiar with the genre. (Or should that be genres? Anime is so varied...)

I like what you did here with the challenge. It's a gentle story but I got so caught up in it I forgot to look out for the mistaken identity and when it came I was almost as confused as the characters for a moment. Which worked out rather well!

Wow, what a good opening line. In fact the whole opening paragraph is good, and I like that it jumps straight into the date after that. It's a common experience, turning up at a restaurant, a bit nervous, looking for the person you're meeting. Ichigo doesn't seem nervous, but Senna does. Ichigo is trying his best though, smiling not scowling, so maybe he is nervous and just hiding it.

I like that first interaction - Ichigo admitting it's his first date, Mizuki shocked and then teasing her friend, Senna all flustered (although I'm not sure how you hide behind a table in a restaurant), then Senna and Ichigo teaming up to ignore Mizuki. That's good.

The strawberry jibe threw me. (Thought it was a reference to his hair at first, not his name.) I like that when Mizuki says Senna is a black-belt, Ichigo just takes it in his stride and starts chatting about martial arts. He doesn't get ruffled or offended at the thought a girl can fight, which is great.

Then there's more teasing. The dialogue is good btw, here and throughout. They sound just like teenagers. Embarrassed and self-conscious at times, but also trying hard to be witty, and joking around a lot.

I liked the 'reveal' scene. It's nearly all dialogue, and you're juggling 5 characters, but it's all pretty clear. That's not easy, so good job there. I absolutely love the sentence about wolves, ice cream and autumn - that's so concise but it tells us a lot about how well they're getting on. I like that Senna has a personality. She's sometimes shy, sometimes bold, and you show that really well, through her speech and actions.

Her speech about heights was good too, hinting at the pressures in her life. (Hm, is some of that pressure from her father? I think that might be something else they have in common - difficult relationships with fathers.)

I liked that little sting in the tail - the oh-oh, is this girl old enough to date? - and then you round it off nicely and end on a positive note.

You handle the budding romance very nicely I think. They seem to 'click' right away, but because you have Mizuki notice that, it doesn't come over like the usual cliched 'their eyes locked and he couldn't look away' moment. In fact, Ichigo is quite casual about it all, which is quite refreshing. You also give us lots of things that they have in common beyond brightly coloured hair- martial arts, diifficult fathers etc - so it seems like there's some foundation there they can build on. But they're not gushing over each other, it's all very natural and low-key and easy. Like it should be :)

Well done, it's a lovely date.

Ok, now for some suggestions. (You can ignore them, they're just suggestions.)

So there's a couple of things that didn't quite make sense to me:
"It was nearing nine PM when the date had concluded, Mizuki needing to get home by eight-thirty" - so, she's 30 minutes late? Is that what you meant?

"Kira sat beside Mizuki and Satoshi beside him." -Kira's next to Mizuki, then Satoshi next to Kira? That's how that 'him' reads, but I think you mean Satoshi sits next to Ichigo. You might have to use Ichigo's name there to make it clear.

"You," she was thoroughly laughing, "showed up on the wrong," but Ichigo really liked the sound, "double-date."
- That's a nice way to show her laughing so much her words are coming in spurts, but I had to read it twice because the dialogue comes between the laughing and Ichigo liking the sound of the laughing... Maybe it needs a tweak to make it clear.

"knowing exactly how she delivered the line." - I'm glad she knows, because I don't have a clue. Was she being sarcastic or something? Maybe put some detail in there.

Second, there's a couple of word choices that might not be quite what you wanted:

"Kira wasn't around, and she didn't want them going off on a tangent without her" - Is Mizuki worried they'll leave without her? 'Going off on a tangent' usually refers to a rambling conversation.

'he ignored the grown adolescent' - That really confused me, is it a fandom phrase? I guess Ichigo means something like his dad is an adolescent when he's meant to be a grown-up. You could say something like 'he ignored that child in a man's body' maybe?

Lastly, I think FFnet mangled this line:
"He said this to Senna, now intent to ignore answering her friend directly for at least the next few minutes." (You probably meant either 'intending to ignore her', or 'intent on not answering her directly', not sure which.)

Hope that's somewhat helpful, and sorry if that seems a long list of nitpicking. None of that stopped me enjoying the story; I just like to be thorough.

Well done again on writing such a cute date. It was a fun read.
5/23/2020 c1 21W-FangMetal
This story seems interesting, and I'd like for you to continue the best Bleach pairing!
5/11/2020 c1 34Sam Worth
Hi SomethingAncient,

here from the W.A. Mistaken Identity Challenge.

I'm completely fandom blind, but this hasn't hampered the reading flow of this nice and innocent story. You succeeded in writing a unique take on the mistaken identity as both sides of the date didn't know the other one. Good job!

Thank you for writing and sharing this relaxing story.
5/9/2020 c1 34VST
Hi, SomethingAncient,

Here from the WA challenge. Congrats on completing your story. I’m fandom blind but that wasn’t an issue with this story beyond wondering about a couple of minor references to the past.

The interactions were cute and sweet, reminiscent of a real first date (and a blind one at that) where inexperience and shyness lead to a bit of embarrassment but also hope. That showed through nicely here.

The only disappointing part is that the summary led me to expect what happened, right from the first few paragraphs where Kira’s actions (or maybe, inactions?) don’t help and the hostess did her best to do so. I’m not sure how it might be done but you might consider tweaking the summary a bit to avoid the giveaway.

The ending was a pleasant reminder that we find our romantic interests and, ultimately, our mates, through what are often strange circumstances and blind luck. If it’s actually right, it doesn’t matter if it started as a “mishap.”

Nice job and best wishes in the competition.
5/7/2020 c1 136rebecca-in-blue
Hi there, here from the mistaken identity challenge and fandom blind. I found this story pretty slow at first, which made it hard for me to get into. The conversation between Ichigo, Mizuki, and Senna seemed to tell us a lot about how they reacted to each line, what they decided to say next, their actions, etc. ("Senna smiled at the compliment, Ichigo couldn't help but smile in response, Senna pulled her phone from a pocket") I think telling us all this hampered the flow of the conversation, and sometimes it hammered in information that could've been more subtly implied; "He said this to Senna, now intent to ignore..." could've just been "He addressed Senna." Kira's appearance was where it felt like the plot really got going to me. It's cute that this case of mistaken identity worked out so fortuitously for Ichigo and Senna. Good luck in the contest!
4/23/2020 c1 15Aurora Nightstar
Hello. I am just checking out the stories in the challenge. I think you used the mixed-up identity thing well. You used both a mix up roles and a mix up of a specific person, so well done. Even though I am fandom blind, this was easy to understand, and you made each character feel distinct. Good job overall.

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