Just In
for A Tornado of Stories

10/14/2020 c10 146AmazingGraceless
How interesting! I like how every ghost has something different to encourage Sirius and how it subtly dives into his character. Well-done!
8/1/2020 c6 2k+Hawki
-“…walked into the Three Broomsticks…”

Minor point, but until now, you’ve always capitalized “the” when describing the name of the pub.

-“It’s probably nothing. But…let’s not say anything to the others just set. It’s probably nothing after all and we don’t want to be making paranoid accusations and breaking up the group over nothing.”

I’ve cut out some of the text, but you’ve used “probably nothing” twice in the same paragraph, and added “over nothing” as well. Really stands out.

-So, I admittedly had to re-read some of this, but I think that says more about me than the piece. It’s kind of funny, because not long before reading this I stumbled across a writing exercise, about telling a story entirely through dialogue. Course it isn’t the case here, but you do a good job with the dialogue, in as much that it gets the story to flow well.

I’m kind of mixed on the take on Peter. This isn’t really a flaw, and I could see it being a pro. Because on one hand, it’s clear that he plays Remus and Sirius like a fiddle. The last line hits with a lot of weight in this context. So on one hand, Peter’s playing the role of double agent perfectly. On the other, does that fit his character? Like, say the name “Peter Pettigrew,” and I’m going to start thinking of the snivelling wretch he is from PoA onward, not someone who can play his friends against each other. I’m kind of left to ask what changed between now and then.

Still, in of itself, it’s well written. Flows well, and there’s something to be said with the grim satisfaction as to how Peter works his magic (metaphorically speaking). So good job.
6/26/2020 c5 Hawki
-…well, chaos butterflies seem slightly less insane than other animals mentioned in the Quibbler, so hey, go for it. 0_0

-“Accio toy dragon.”

Not a plothole, but it did occur to me that if there was more than one toy dragon in the house, that might make things difficult. On the flipside, it’s a nice easter egg that it belonged to Charlie before being passed down.

-“All playing together with a toy dragon. (One of Charlie’s old toys.)

We already know it’s Charlie’s toy, unless this is deliberately being repeated.

-“McGonagol” should be spelt “McGonagall.”

-So, it’s around about the time when Ginny speaks about going into Percy’s suitcase rather than Bill’s that I kind of get a sense of what is happening, so the point about Charlie’s dragon is arguably erased. That said, interesting choice of butterfly, since butterfly effect doesn’t include time being repeated as far as I’m aware, but rather big changes multiplying into big ones.

-“Ron was aved from answering…”

Should be “saved.”

-Reads end quote…

FYI, there’s a teapot belonging to someone named Russel, Mr. Lovegood. I can’t prove it exists, but you can’t prove it doesn’t, so there. :P

-I can more or less fold the subsequent point at the end. I think you do a good job of capturing the ‘voice’ of the Quibbler, in that it corresponds to the Lovegoods’ philosophy of anything being possible unless it’s disproven. On the subject of immaturity…well, I think you captured the nature of the Weasleys well, I just wouldn’t call it immaturity. Like, especially towards the start, they’re kids acting like kids, Ginny being a kid, acting like a kid, isn’t what I’d call “immature.” Granted, semantics, but whatever the terminology, you do a good job with the characters. It’s actually nice to see the Weasleys in their own habitat outside Harry’s POV, especially before the books. It’s also nice to see the length being beyond just a few hundred words.

So, good job.
6/14/2020 c4 Hawki
-“Who’s demons were literally…”

Should be “whose.”

Aside from that, it’s decent.
5/25/2020 c3 Hawki
-I think you made a mistake with the chapter designation. This is the third chapter, but in the tab, you’ve designated it “Round 4.”

-I think the intro could be a bit longer. The idea of a “world turning black” is a classic ‘fade to black’ from a literary sense, but there’s barely any lead up to it. It might come to about a standard paragraph in length.

-Moving on a bit…well, it’s AU alright. It’s so AU that the alternate universe might as well be on the opposite side of the multiverse, because right now it’s simply HP characters being Muggles. Still, I’m not saying that’s inherently bad. The writing’s decent, and I think you do a good job of capturing Fleur’s manner of speech.

-She not speak English.

You’re missing the “ marks there before “she.”

-Um, cat charms are a thing?

-“She forgets that not all people speak French sometimes.”

Oh, don’t feel bad. I sometimes have to be reminded that not everyone speaks English.

-“Trust in God mesa mis. He has been with us so far, oui?”

Well, God allowed the Nazis to take your country, but sure, why not? 0_0

-Per your author’s note, I think the French worked fine. When they speak in English, it’s sufficiently ‘broken’ enough to feel authentic, and when they use French, it’s stuff that I can already piece together (e.g. mes amies) or is used in such a way that I can already guess the context (e.g. Gabrielle speaking). So I think the French/English ratio works out.

-So, yeah. As I said, it’s very much an AU piece. But it’s a solidly written one, and easily the best of the chapters you’ve written so far. A common comment of mine that I’m sure you’re aware of is that I often feel that your oneshots have a solid idea behind them, but at only a few hundred words, the idea isn’t given enough time to be fleshed out. This chapter has the benefit of the length that’s often missing, and is all the stronger for it. So, solid job.
5/13/2020 c2 Hawki
Decently written. I can't comment too much, since these are two characters that barely get any screentime (readtime? Pagetime?) in the books, so I can't comment on how their personalities sync or not, and there isn't too much provided. Still, what is provided is decently paced, and I can see the conversation happening, even if Daphne's arguably being a dick for bringing this up on the wedding day.
5/1/2020 c1 67VanillaAshes
I absolutely loved the summaries of what occurred over the years from a student. It is amusing that they don't know the whole story and very realistic of how many rumours went around.
The fact that they (or one of them) had doubts about what might occur. It is a scary experience and they are still young. I think you showed this well.
4/27/2020 c1 2k+Hawki
-“Then you just know how f…”

Oh come on, say it. We went seven novels without swearing, I say it’s overdue. Say it. SAY ITTTT! :P

-“Personally I thinkl that…”

Should be “think.”

-Anyway, I’m mixed on this. Dialogue is fine. The relationship between the sisters is fine. However, the issue is that the entirety of it is that it’s just the twins discussing Harry. Now, I’m sure some people could raise ire at how two girls are discussing how great a guy is, but even that aside, just from the writing itself, there’s a kind of ‘barrier’ to engagement. Like, imagine any other story, which has two characters discussing a third, unseen character. We’re more likely to want to know more about the two characters being present, rather than the third one. Obviously these are all pre-existing characters, but even structurally, the ‘barrier’ exists.

So, good writing, good character dynamic, but in the scope of the issue at hand (Battle of Hogwarts), I’d be far more interested in learning more about the characters then them just discussing Harry. Not saying this isn’t a conversation that they couldn’t conceivably have, but by itself? Doesn’t work as well.
4/16/2020 c1 32Dumbothepatronus
This is such an interesting concept that you’ve brought to life here! Reading the Harry Potter canon, we see everything through Harry’s eyes. But we don’t often stop to think about what Harry looks like through the eyes of other characters. Their concern makes so much sense, though, when you illustrate it like you did. Of course the others would be worried going into the battle. They are right—he’s no Merlin. I guess that makes it even more amazing that he managed to pull it off.

This story reminds me of a quote—“A prophet is never without glory but in his own country.” (Or something like that.) You definitely showed us that concept in this emotionally-charged moment. Wonderful job, and good luck with the rest of the season!
4/12/2020 c1 33Farbautidottir
Such a rational chat to have before the battle of Hogwarts! I do enjoy seeing the twins though, they don't get a ton of fics about them.

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service