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8/22 c1 Guest
I'm a baby killer
Baby killing makes me horny
Aliens inside me
Gonna squash it like Sigourney
Get dat fetus, kill dat fetus
Get dat fetus, kill dat fetus
Brrap brrap, pew pew
Brrap brrap, pew pew
Yo all I wanna do
Is brrap brrap, pew pew
A bang-bang, a boom-boom
From the womb to the tomb
I'm a dolphin doll face
Bitches in my crawl space
Have abortions sometimes?
No, I'ma have abortions always
Get dat fetus, kill dat fetus
Get dat fetus, kill dat fetus
Brrap brrap, pew pew
Brrap brrap, pew pew
And sometimes I do have doubts
And it's hard to sleep (Tell it!)
I think about my child's heartbeat
And oh it makes me weep (Tell it!)
I hope and pray to god
My little fetus has a soul
Because I want it to feel pain
When I eject it from my hole
Brrap brrap brrap brrap
Brrap brrap, pew pew
Brrap brrap, pew pew
7/27 c3 Getoveritmoveon
Re; SAD: Hi numbnuts! I still think it's interesting. I don't do this too often but wow it's amazing that you can get on here and bash someone using that same anonymity you're talking about to do the same thing to someone else isn't it? I'd love to talk to you and give you a real piece of my mind as myself because I'm not a - Coward. Afraid he's going to call you out? Oops I just did...Or just know what you are? Throw a name up here and we'll have a real nice conversation about people who act like who they are supposedly describing! Probably too shallow minded to handle your own. Stoop to anonymous insults and all you do is piss someone off to make yourself feel bigger without giving them the chance to defend themselves. So brave of you!
7/10 c6 Guest
4/28 c3 4Julyza
Hi, I am here from the Short review game at the WA form.
I was curious when I saw the words Zootopia and horror put together and was not disappointed when I read your fic.

Introductions: Lily the Rabbit Demon who eats emotions sounds very interesting. I like she had no idea she was eating poisonous foods. Usually demon characters are portrayed to having an excellent grasp on how their newly acquired bodies work and its nice to see Lily having no clue as to how to maintain her body.

Drama: Gabrielle just randomly finding out Lily is a demon and becoming a stable food source for Lily, is a heck of a way to start a friendship. I thought Lily was just going to straight up eat her at the end of chapter one.

Gabrielle’s curiosity and concern as to why Lily hasn’t gone to school is very believable and the mystery regarding Lily’s parents makes me hope you answer that in later chapters.

Gabrielle’s parents being snobs and overbearing was good trait to make all the alarms go off regarding the lusciousness of Lily’s homelife.

Ending: I am hooked and might read more once there is more to read. Is Lily being abused by her parent’s as hinted by lion dad throwing Gabrielle into a rose bush?

Other: Thanks for reminding me that female rabbits are called does, I was worried I had misread Gabrielle as a rabbit instead of a female deer and had to google it.
4/27 c3 14YoshiStarX
Wonderful fanfic! Having Lily and her family being secretive towards the main character greatly does show suspense. However, I do not recall seeing these characters, so I am assuming that this takes place in the same world as Zootopia. Anyways, keep it up!
4/20 c1 SAD
You're literally the type of person who needs no access to the internet or any type of interaction with anyone in general. I don't even bother to wish this type of stuff on anyone who's like you but you're a special exception. You're the only person who needs their ass beat severely to the point of unconsciousness to stop their nonense. You're nothing but a sad little cunt who hides behind internet anonymity but get confronted in RL and you cuck up and fold really quick.

The same shit you have the nerve to get your top keks about and harass other people about is the same shit you do you fucking hypocrite trolling fuck. Karma is a real bitch my man. Keep it up. I hardly doubt anyone is going to feel sorry for whatever happens to you and you'll whole heartedly deserve it.

I never understand the fucking fascination with certain writers to go out of their way and put people down for writing. Especially when it's not even helpful. There's a such thing as tough love, good criticism and that tough but helpful push. Being a cancerous, mom should have swallowed human being isn't one.

That's all, fuck you, hope you go fall in a ditch somewhere. You're trash. Feel free to delete this too o/
4/20 c2 2Khorsoro
Why do they have poisonous vegetables in their home?

I look forward to the continuation of the story, but I hope you describe things a little more and add more tags making it clear who is speaking, and their emotional tones.
4/18 c2 Guest
4/14 c1 1XXLXXL-009
Hey, I found you on WA Forum and I was supposed to review this piece as a part of the review game but all I had was an M-rated fic so, technically I’m not eligible. But what the hell, I was already ready to review this, so why not?

Disclaimer: It’s quite easy to spot errors in other work so I apologize in advance if you think I’m nitpicking.

Firstly, I thought you lacked any imagery in this story. Take the first paragraph for example. You could have written so much more. You haven’t even described much of the classroom. You could’ve showed the boisterous frolicking of the students on the playground visible through the window. The discreetly written answers of math formulas on the desk. So much more, but you hurried through. I strongly believe that apart from characters and eloquent prose, an author’s real talent is when he/she makes the reader visualize exactly how the author sees the image as. It’s so much fun to read when images are being created in our mind, isn’t that why we read?

Your second paragraph again felt weak. If Lily was sitting in an empty classroom, she had to be doing something right? Maybe you could’ve made her look outside the window and described the scene there. And then the sound of someone entering could’ve startled her—something like that.

You said pushed her to the wall. Perhaps try a stronger verb there? Like rammed her into the wall with a tight grip on her throat.

You started the dialogue and then immediately said tears feel down her eyes. If it were me. I’d have gone something like this:

"Tell me your secret! How can you be so perfect?” Her voice sounded enraged. There was a grotesque smell of carrots in her breath, and that made Lilly almost puke. Carrots were bad. No, disgusting.

Lilly fought for her breath, and through the tightening grip of the bunny around her through, she croaked: “Wh-what a-are y-you tal-talking?”

The bunny loosened her grip. Lilly took a breath in relief.

A tear trickled down the corner of the bunny’s eye. She wasn’t angry. She was… she was sad. “How can you be so perfect? Just how? How!.” There were now tear streaks on both her eyes. “I try so hard to make my parents happy but it’s never good enough. Never!” She slammed a fist at the wall. “Are you a fucking Demon?”

It’s quite rare that a writer gets the opportunity to use smell and taste in writing, but when you do have one, I think you should capitalize fully on it. Describing the smell of carrots as grotesque and disgusting can give the reader an instant clue that Lilly isn’t a real rabbit.

It seems that there is a pattern how Lilly feels depending on the emotion the person talking to her radiates. That is something I really liked. It’s a wonderful flaw which can be used quite creatively later. Kudos to you on that.

In you second scene, you could have showed Lilly’s anticipation by her restless feet or finger drumming on something. You should consider showing more often, I feel.

You didn’t even describe Lilly’s mansion or where she was at the time when she was waiting for Gabrielle. You just rushed towards Gabrielle saying Hi. Where was the doorbell ringing, the door opening, Lilly going to open the door? There was nothing.

Instead of saying she wore her finest outfit, it seemed. You should have described how the outfit was. Maybe a tear somewhere which Gabrielle was trying to hide, hinting the read that she’s poor.

The biggest problem I noticed with you writing is you don’t show enough, that’s something you need to fix, perhaps that is the key to you pacing problem (as you’ve mentioned in the constructive criticism thread). Your introspections are something that I liked. Had there been more descriptions to offset it, it’d have been a wonderful read.

That’s all I’ve got to say about this story. Hope I didn’t offend you with my nitpicks.

4/9 c1 23The ink stained poet
Hey, I found you through the Writers Anonymous forum and I have to say this seems like a very interesting story indeed. Its flows smoothly with actions that don't seem forced. Lily and Gabrielle's relationship seems very interesting and I would love to see it potentially flesh out more. Keep up the great work.
4/8 c1 D Rock
All hail God Emperor MrGoodyTwoShoes! God Emperor of Critics United! Bow down to your one true GOD mortal!

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