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for KuroHana

4/27/2020 c4 Guest
Kurohana? First I read "korona" lol. XD
4/27/2020 c4 47Yours The Author
Some interesting concepts were introduced, but a lot of them were left unexplained. Why can China hear people's thoughts? I don't remember that being a thing in either the manga or anime. If you're going to introduce a brand new mechanic, it's usually best to have an explanation, even if it's literally all tell and no show. Still, I'm curious to see where you take this. Keep it up!
4/24/2020 c1 Yours The Author
See? Like I said: something to provoke thought. Japan alone (as far as we know) can communicate with the second players, and must keep them at bay. Now The Reader is left seeking more information: why Japan? Why'd the mirror break? What border was Kiku referring to? Is Kuro taking over Kiku's body during Kiku's sleep? So many questions to answer!
Of course, it's not to say it's flawless; no story is. The main thing that comes to mind is that five day time skip. A time skip should only be used when either we're skipping information we already know, or when literally nothing of note happens. It shouldn't be more than a few hours, and certainly not five days. You should make sure every day leading up to the next plot point features something that connects it to the first plot point. Even if it's something simple, like a two or three sentence recap of each day.
Ex: Kiku couldn't sleep that night. There was a knife in the wall. His head hurt.
Something like that, that shows his "condition" or whatever you want to call it getting worse. It could really add to the tone of the story.
I'll be keeping an eye out for this story's updates. Looking forward to what you come up with!
4/24/2020 c2 Yours The Author
Hey, uh, Hetaku? I hate to be a downer, but the text on both chapters is very... code-y. Like, the lines all start with something like "p style"box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24 px; font-sizw: 18 px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; etc. It kind of makes each chapter very hard to read, which is a shame, since I /am/ a little interested in what this story could be about (from the title, I think it has something to do with 1p and 2p Japan, and Japan is one of my favorite characters.)
Also, just a tip: unless you think it's a spoiler (which here, I don't think it is), you should probably include the name of the character in the information about the story; there's a whole section for it in the story creation section. Of course, maybe one of those weird things happened where it didn't accept the "I'm-not-a-robot" code and it erased the character names you chose. Believe me, it's happened to me before.
Also, regarding the code-y problem with these chapters; it might have something to do with how you put it on the doc manager. Did you upload a file or copy-and-paste the text? Try copy-and-pasting, that's how I usually upload each chapter of my stories. Then I can go to the edit screen and make sure it's all readable and the bold, underline, and italics are where they're supposed to be.
Anyway, do let me know when you get a chance to fix the text in these chapters; I am a bit curious to see if you put an interesting twist on the concept of 2p's.

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